How do I reply to an EM who thinks shes worthless?

klandry80

I have been a lurker on this board for quite awhile now. And I love hearing all of your stories and seeing the little blessings that each of you have. Here is a little of our situation. We have been working with an EM since she was 13 wks. She is having a little girl. She has told us that she is sure that this is our child to the point of we have named her. The EM has a myriad of mental health issues as well as substance abuse, which has not deterred us from raising her child. However the last couple of weeks has been a roller coaster of emotions for me. EM has severe OCD and constantly breaks phones, so her contact with us is spradic to say the least. The dr that we set her up with has dropped her because she was canceling appointments and not showing up for others. Long story short with that she had a "friend" take her so we would just meet her there, but she would call me and say she rescheduled. She is now 27 weeks and told me last night that her husband has left her, taken her 3 year old daughter with him until EM gets herself together. I am scared to death that this is going to be the breaking point for her and she is going to try and parent this child. I know that I should try and be there to support her (she has absolutely no support system other than me and my husband) and its worse now that her husband has left. I woke up to a text message this morning telling me that she is starting to resent the baby because she has caused her to lose everything that is important to her. and that she feels worthless and hopeless. that she should have aborted the baby before it was too late. How am I supposed to respond to this? I try to be there for her but its soooo hard when she is constantly talking like this. She has a psychologist who is working with her on the adoption issues because EM doesnt feel comfortable with anyone else, therefore has refused my offer of more counseling. I just dont know what to say or what to do at this point. Im scared to death that she is going to want to parent this baby, even tho she says she doesnt and wont. Thanks for letting me vent a little.

raecheleblue1

Welcome, and I'm sorry you have been going through all of this.  It sounds like she needs more counseling to help her sort out all of the feelings she is having.  I'd call het psychologist asap because it sounds like she is not in a good place and that's not something you or your DH should take on, let the medical professionals do that. 

IRR

Sorry that sounds awful.  How did you get connected with this EM?  Do you know her husband is in agreement with the adoption plan?  Have you spoken to him?  Sounds like she is in a really bad place and only a trained counselor can help, but as words of encouragement I may say things like we are going to tell your daughter how brave and strong you are for making this adoption plan.  Also that she needs to get better for not only the baby's health but for her 3 year old that probably misses her a ton since she left with her husband.  GL.

klandry80

We met her through a mutual friend of facebook actually. And we clicked instantly. I think Im going to give her psychologist a call because I cant mentally do this. I always tell her how much we are going to love her daughter and always tell her that her birth mom did what was best to give her an amazing life. Ive talked to her husband a few times, he agrees that adoption is the best plan for the baby. His reason for leaving is that he just cant handle EM's mental health issues anymore. She has gotten worse over the years and since she got pregnant its gettting worse. Bad place is not the word for how she is right now. I want to be there for her to lean on, but I cant when all I can seem to think about is if she is going to change her mind. 

IRR

klandry80:

I want to be there for her to lean on, but I cant when all I can seem to think about is if she is going to change her mind. 

This is definitely the hardest part of the journey.  Our EM is due in two weeks and it is always at the back of my mind that this can happen, but I keep telling myself I don't think it will because of their situation.   You have to try to not think about her changing her mind when you speak with her because it sounds like she really needs a friend to lean on. You also don't want to alienate her so that she decides someone else may be a better couple to go with.  I hate to say this but she is in the driver seat until that TPR is signed and right now my biggest worry would be the health of the baby she is carrying.   Is this mutual friend still in contact with her?  Does she have any insight for you since it sounds like she may have known her longer?  Perhaps her Dr. can get her into a program that she either stays at for a few months or attends daily.  Although based on her missing Dr. appts, not sure she would agree to the help.  

Did you complete your home study?  Does your SW worker have any advice? Best of luck, this sounds like such a crappy situation.  

raecheleblue1

klandry80:

We met her through a mutual friend of facebook actually. And we clicked instantly. I think Im going to give her psychologist a call because I cant mentally do this. I always tell her how much we are going to love her daughter and always tell her that her birth mom did what was best to give her an amazing life. Ive talked to her husband a few times, he agrees that adoption is the best plan for the baby. His reason for leaving is that he just cant handle EM's mental health issues anymore. She has gotten worse over the years and since she got pregnant its gettting worse. Bad place is not the word for how she is right now. I want to be there for her to lean on, but I cant when all I can seem to think about is if she is going to change her mind. 

I understand your concern about her changing her mind, I'd be worried too.  But, based on what you've posted about her DH leaving, past mental health concerns and what she's texted you recently, I'm more concerned with getting her to a doctor soon, really soon.  I know you want to be there to help her and support her, but she needs an impartial party with mental health experience to help her sort out her feelings and watch her closely so she doesn't hurt herself or the baby.  I have family with mental health challenges, and while they often make desperate comments (like resenting the baby) that most times are just a cry out for help or attention, you have to take them seriously because, god forbid, they may just be in a place that its serious enough for them to act on.  

Thoughts and prayers for all of you! 

RondackHiker

I'm just a lurker, but hope to join you guys one day, but I can't stay away from this.

I would be far, far more worried about suicide, or her harming herself or the baby in some way than in her wanting to parent.

 Mental health issues plus lack of support plus blaming herself plus feeling worthless and hopeless? She could be in real trouble.

She needs help. She needs a doctor, and support. It may be more than you can do, but since you know about this, you are the best person to try and connect her with people who CAN support her.

 Many suicide hotlines are happy to talk to people concerned about someone else. You could call one in your area and find out what services they might offer her. Many could be free.

The worthless and hopeless comment scares me.  

klandry80

That comment scares me too. I didnt mean it to sound like Im only worried about her wanting to parent. Im concerned for her. I have tried giving her a coupld of phone numbers but she just avoids telling me she will call. She lives over an hour away so I cant really just jump in my car and head over. I am going to try and go over there tonight. I have been on the phone with her pretty much all day today. Shes highly upset, she told me that I dont have to worry about her hurting herself or the baby, she just needs a friend to lean on. She told me that she feels like its not fair that our familly is going to be complete and she has lost everything. I told her that yes she is completing our family but thats a decision that only she can make. I also told her that yes I am there for her but she really needs to talk to someone who can truly help her. She has an appointment with her psychologist on monday so hopefully she will make that. Im sure she will because she is out of her medicines, which also makes me think thats the reason she is talking the way she is. I just hope that she finds the strength to get through this.