Would you recommend this to a friend? (MC-related)

RedPhoenix625

Have you guys seen this free e-book, When Your Friend's Baby Dies ?  (Here is a link for kindle, and here is a link for a pdf.)

It's very short - 22 pages, written by the woman behind the blog Cora's Story.  I've only skimmed it so far, but it looks excellent.

I have a couple friends to whom I would recommend this book with no qualms because I know they would appreciate it.  Those are the same friends who don't need to read a book about how to support me, because they've been doing it right all along.

I also have a couple friends, one in particular, who DO need to read this book.  But I'm not sure how they would take it.  Like, "Hey, you're being a douchy friend, so read this book about how to be less douchetastic."  IDK.  It just seems like a weird thing to suggest.  And, I have to say, maybe a little selfish?  "Please spend your free time downloading and reading this book about how to help me, because everybody should be concerned about poor pathetic me."

Would you guys recommend or send this to anybody?  Share your thoughts, please.  I struggle finding a balance between when I should advocate for myself (and all of us), and when I am unreasonably expecting the world to revolve around my grief. 

Thanks for your input!

misternmiss

If I had bigger balls, I might send it to some of my family members, only because I believe it's their duty or obligation to lift my spirits and help me through tough times. Friends, on the other hand, I've mostly written them off.
Thanks for the book recommendation! Wouldn't it be nice if we could just run around like fairies and magically deposit the knowledge of books like this directly into the brains of people who most need this info?

LSzwaya

I don't know. I am not sure I am ballsy enough. Your balls, on the other hand, are huge and hairy so I say go for it.

RedPhoenix625

LSzwaya:

I don't know. I am not sure I am ballsy enough. Your balls, on the other hand, are huge and hairy so I say go for it.

LMAO!  I think that's a compliment?????

Are my balls huge enough to spill entire bags of sugar?   Sugarballs?

katharine25

I don't see anything wrong with sharing literature and getting friends to see it from your side a bit. I shared this article on my Facebook page on oct 15th because it expressed how I feel about what I want out of other people https://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/21/health/views/21case.html

I haven't read the story yet, nor do I know who Cora is, but first instinct is its kinda long to send to people who haven't made an effort yet. From the first page it seems she lost an outside baby? Your friends who aren't being supportive might initially "over reacting" to your plight, because that's what shittttty fiends do. I'm Off to read the article now. I wanted to give you my gut reaction first....

LSzwaya

RedPhoenix625:

LSzwaya:

I don't know. I am not sure I am ballsy enough. Your balls, on the other hand, are huge and hairy so I say go for it.

LMAO!  I think that's a compliment?????

Are my balls huge enough to spill entire bags of sugar?   Sugarballs?

Only if you can lift those suckers up on to my counter. They might be too heavy.

emilysmommy2010

I probably wouldn't because I am not a very forward person but if you feel comfortable with and you think it will improve your relationship with your friends then I think it could be beneficial. 

RedPhoenix625

katharine25:

I don't see anything wrong with sharing literature and getting friends to see it from your side a bit. I shared this article on my Facebook page on oct 15th because it expressed how I feel about what I want out of other people https://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/21/health/views/21case.html

I haven't read the story yet, nor do I know who Cora is, but first instinct is its kinda long to send to people who haven't made an effort yet. From the first page it seems she lost an outside baby? Your friends who aren't being supportive might initially "over reacting" to your plight, because that's what shittttty fiends do. I'm Off to read the article now. I wanted to give you my gut reaction first....

It is kind of long... It's not that this one friend I have in mind hasn't made an effort, it's that she made the wrong kind of effort and then basically gave up when I got all butt-hurt about it, and sort of fell off the face of the earth except for an occasional FB message to say she misses how we used to be.  I don't know if she wants to actually help, or just wants me to go back to being "normal" so that we can have the friendship we used to have.  I don't know if she would read it, or if she would learn anything from it, but at least it might alleviate some of this guilt I'm feeling about basically letting our friendship disintegrate.  I will have tried to make her understand.  (Not that I haven't already, but maybe coming from somebody else it might sink in?)

I definitely see your point about the outside baby vs MC, and how people might think my response is an overreaction.  I wish the book didn't start off with the tips specific to losing an infant, even though it's personal to the author, because I feel like it nurtures the inclination for some people to judge my grief more harshly than if I had given birth.  But there are still lots of good points made.  IDK.

I appreciate you taking the time to read it and give me your thoughts.  You are the awesomest.  But you already know I'm kind of in love with you

hungryhippo

I don't know, Red. I think it could come across different than intended. At best it might be a confusing message to the recipient, at worst it could be seen as passive aggressive. I think a better strategy would be to tell them directly what you need from them and why. If it feels right or if they show interest by asking questions, perhaps mention that you found a great book that explains it better and let them seek it out. I think you have to have dialogue about it so they know they can talk to you, bring it up, ask questions. The book is only as helpful as the open natured dialogue it comes with.

RedPhoenix625

hungryhippo:

I don't know, Red. I think it could come across different than intended. At best it might be a confusing message to the recipient, at worst it could be seen as passive aggressive. I think a better strategy would be to tell them directly what you need from them and why. If it feels right or if they show interest by asking questions, perhaps mention that you found a great book that explains it better and let them seek it out. I think you have to have dialogue about it so they know they can talk to you , bring it up, ask questions. The book is only as helpful as the open natured dialogue it comes with.

This makes a lot of sense.  I've tried the dialogue (see my response to Katharine for a little more info about the friend I have in mind), and she doesn't get it.  I guess I was hoping hearing it from somebody else might make a difference?  But if she hasn't gotten it yet, it's probably wishful thinking to think the book would have any effect.

Thanks for your input, HH!

ravenclaw1

I'll take a look later and share my two cents!

Rachaeleigh

I like how you phrased the whole balance between advocating and having unreasonable expectations. What a sh!tty battle. I have some friends that I would suggest it to, simply bc they've expressed wanting to know how to be supportive and helpful. I'd probably say it in a casual way, like "oh hey, I read this article, made me think of when you asked about being helpful...". My other IRL friends that are douchey...yeah I just quit going to them for support. I didn't end the relationship but I just see it as they're incapable of supporting me, and that's ok. Just like I'm incapable of supporting my whiney pregnant friends...which are usually the douchey ones to me. Go figure.

hungryhippo

RedPhoenix625:

hungryhippo:

I don't know, Red. I think it could come across different than intended. At best it might be a confusing message to the recipient, at worst it could be seen as passive aggressive. I think a better strategy would be to tell them directly what you need from them and why. If it feels right or if they show interest by asking questions, perhaps mention that you found a great book that explains it better and let them seek it out. I think you have to have dialogue about it so they know they can talk to you , bring it up, ask questions. The book is only as helpful as the open natured dialogue it comes with.

This makes a lot of sense.  I've tried the dialogue (see my response to Katharine for a little more info about the friend I have in mind), and she doesn't get it.  I guess I was hoping hearing it from somebody else might make a difference?  But if she hasn't gotten it yet, it's probably wishful thinking to think the book would have any effect.

Thanks for your input, HH!

Ah, ok I understand a little better now. I'm sorry you are in such a tough situation. It does sound like this friend is wishing the old you back, maybe even rushing your grieving process so she can have her "normal" Red back. Have you had a chance to directly tell her that "normal" for you is forever changed? Is that part of what she's just not listening to? Maybe you are right that hearing it from another source might be helpful.

I was just talking to another loss mom about this recently. She's letting a friendship go because of this. She's pissed off that her friend is putting her in this position, like she needs another emotionally draining thing taking up her brain space right now. She also expressed some guilt about deciding to let the friend drift, but it is still the best thing for her right now. The friend wants the impossible, everything to go back to normal and it will never be back to the old normal for this loss mom.

It sounds like it is important to you to try to get through to this person. I do think that using whatever tool you can is good. There are so many resources out there. Glow in the Woods and Knocked Up, Knocked Down are two of my favorites. I'm having trouble pinpointing the most helpful article for friends on mobile. Sorry. I'll keep trying.

brihall003

hungryhippo:

RedPhoenix625:

hungryhippo:

I don't know, Red. I think it could come across different than intended. At best it might be a confusing message to the recipient, at worst it could be seen as passive aggressive. I think a better strategy would be to tell them directly what you need from them and why. If it feels right or if they show interest by asking questions, perhaps mention that you found a great book that explains it better and let them seek it out. I think you have to have dialogue about it so they know they can talk to you , bring it up, ask questions. The book is only as helpful as the open natured dialogue it comes with.

This makes a lot of sense.  I've tried the dialogue (see my response to Katharine for a little more info about the friend I have in mind), and she doesn't get it.  I guess I was hoping hearing it from somebody else might make a difference?  But if she hasn't gotten it yet, it's probably wishful thinking to think the book would have any effect.

Thanks for your input, HH!

Ah, ok I understand a little better now. I'm sorry you are in such a tough situation. It does sound like this friend is wishing the old you back, maybe even rushing your grieving process so she can have her "normal" Red back. Have you had a chance to directly tell her that "normal" for you is forever changed? Is that part of what she's just not listening to? Maybe you are right that hearing it from another source might be helpful.

I was just talking to another loss mom about this recently. She's letting a friendship go because of this. She's pissed off that her friend is putting her in this position, like she needs another emotionally draining thing taking up her brain space right now. She also expressed some guilt about deciding to let the friend drift, but it is still the best thing for her right now. The friend wants the impossible, everything to go back to normal and it will never be back to the old normal for this loss mom.

It sounds like it is important to you to try to get through to this person. I do think that using whatever tool you can is good. There are so many resources out there. Glow in the Woods and Knocked Up, Knocked Down are two of my favorites. I'm having trouble pinpointing the most helpful article for friends on mobile. Sorry. I'll keep trying.

This! I think that if the relationship with your friend is already rocky than trying to get through to her in a genuine way by definition cannot be bad. I always think of The Serenity Prayer in situations like this...you have control over how you try to communicate your feelings to your friend, but can't change her reaction. I tend to be a forward person so my gut says to share the article and see what discussion it spawns with your friend. GL!

RedPhoenix625

hungryhippo:

Ah, ok I understand a little better now. I'm sorry you are in such a tough situation. It does sound like this friend is wishing the old you back, maybe even rushing your grieving process so she can have her "normal" Red back. Have you had a chance to directly tell her that "normal" for you is forever changed? Is that part of what she's just not listening to? Maybe you are right that hearing it from another source might be helpful. I was just talking to another loss mom about this recently. She's letting a friendship go because of this. She's pissed off that her friend is putting her in this position, like she needs another emotionally draining thing taking up her brain space right now. She also expressed some guilt about deciding to let the friend drift, but it is still the best thing for her right now. The friend wants the impossible, everything to go back to normal and it will never be back to the old normal for this loss mom. It sounds like it is important to you to try to get through to this person. I do think that using whatever tool you can is good. There are so many resources out there. Glow in the Woods and Knocked Up, Knocked Down are two of my favorites. I'm having trouble pinpointing the most helpful article for friends on mobile. Sorry. I'll keep trying.

You are spot on.  Thanks for the suggestions.  I'm at the point now where I don't really think any of this will truly make a difference, but I'd like to at least try.  Thanks so much for helping me talk through this and figuring out the best way to reach her.  I vary between thinking, "Good riddens", and wanting to save our friendship.  We used to be very close.  It's hard to lose a good and old friend on top of everything else that I've lost, but it's also very hard to feel like I'm the only one taking responsibility for saving the friendship when goodness knows I already enough on my plate to deal with.

Thanks again, HH.  And everyone.  You've all been super helpful!

LunaBug924

katharine25:

I don't see anything wrong with sharing literature and getting friends to see it from your side a bit. I shared this article on my Facebook page on oct 15th because it expressed how I feel about what I want out of other people https://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/21/health/views/21case.html

I haven't read the story yet, nor do I know who Cora is, but first instinct is its kinda long to send to people who haven't made an effort yet. From the first page it seems she lost an outside baby? Your friends who aren't being supportive might initially "over reacting" to your plight, because that's what shittttty fiends do. I'm Off to read the article now. I wanted to give you my gut reaction first....

Katherine, I love this article! Thank you for sharing, I am definitely keeping a copy for quick reference.

Red, I agree with PP. I think the book is a bit long and might be misunderstood if you present it without being asked for it. I agree, though, that people in general are extrememly ill-equipped when it comes to dealing with and offering support for someone going through this. I've been saying for a long time that people need to be educated about this. I just wish there were a more tactful way to do it. Sorry this advice isn't really helpful, just wanted to validate how you feel. I hope you can find a way to talk about it and get the support you need from your friends.