Worst Thanksgiving ever. (super long)
Ginlyn0
member
So I saw that Jen updated. (Thanks Jen).
Let me back up to how this all came about. Tuesday afternoon, his FI came home to him sitting in his own vomit on the couch, he couldn't move because the vomiting was so bad and he was having trouble walking. Her phone had been disconnected so she had his cell on her so he had no ability to call anyone and he was home alone with the 3 youngest kids. She immediately called the ambulance once she realized she couldn't get him to the car and he was rushed to their local hospital. They believed he had a brain bleed after the CT scan so they careflighted him to a bigger hospital where another CT confirmed a stroke. The cause was most likely his not remembering his blood pressure meds regularly.
As I mentioned before, I went and saw my brother Wednesday during the day at the hospital. He was really tired and still had a bad headache. He was having trouble talking and needed rest so I he was sleeping most of the time I was there. He tried to say 2 sentences to me that day and while both were difficult to understand I got the gist of them. He said "it's her fault" meaning his FI for calling the ambulance and forcing him to go to the hospital and then he said "I'm sorry" (he meant for me having to come visit him at the hospital). It sucks that those are the last words he said to me. I told him don't worry about it and to get some rest and he went back to sleep.
They had said he would need rehab but he would recover. Wednesday despite his slurred speech and inability to walk due to balance issues, we were under the impression we had nothing else to worry about. They were monitoring him for some slight swelling he had at the stroke site which was on the right side of his cerebellum. His FI said they went to sleep about 11:30 Wed night after they gave him something to help him sleep. Early Thurs morning, they tried to wake him and he did not wake. They went to rush him to another CT and as they were taking him his FI heard them call Code Blue. We would later find out that his heart had failed but they were able to restart it. He never woke up. By this time we had gotten the call and dropped our kids of at my ILs (who happen to be my brother's god parents). So when we got there his FI was in shock and so they went over the CT results with us showing us that his stroke had swelled into the brain stem area and then he had what they call and extension of the stroke and then more swelling and then hydrocephalus. There was too much pressure this is what caused his heart to fail. They told us there was no hope and that everything that could have gone wrong with a stroke went wrong. They told us that later neurologist would come in to determine if brain death had occurred and if it had that meant they would declare him legally dead.
When the time came to test his brain activity and a test off the respirator, the hospital staff made everyone leave the room except me and DH because we were the only ones not super emotional at the time. To be honest, I know I still have not grieved yet. Don't get me wrong, I have cried but I think I'm still somewhat in shock and too worried about everyone else. It was horrible watching these tests but I didn't cry during them. I was determined to make sure I noticed any sign of life in my brother and didn't want tears to get in the way. At that point, he was declared dead but they kept him on life-support so we could determine if he would be a donor or not. It was decided he would be so he was kept in his room until they did the surgery (which happened earlier today). DH left to go relieve his parents so they could go say goodbye to their godson and tell our kids. He let the kids decide if they wanted to come say goodbye. The oldest 3 decided to come. So my ILs brought them up. I had to explain why he looked alive but just sleeping because he was going to be giving a gift of life to someone else. I let them lead what they wanted to do, when they wanted to leave the room. They each said their goodbyes and gave him a goodbye kiss. My DD said "Uncle XXXX always loved superheroes. Now he gets to be a real superhero by saving other peoples lives."
Later that evening after the rest of the family was away from the hospital. I met my oldest sister that is estranged from the rest of the family up there so she could say her goodbyes to him privately. It sucks. I feel horrible for his BM, whose other daughter has terminal cancer. For his other sister who has to fit in another chemo treatment before she comes down for the funeral that will be most likely later this next week after we get together the money for the costs.
The legalities of his marriage to my SIL yet being with his FI for 7 years meant that his wife needed to sign all the paperwork. She let his FI make all the decisions and the organ donation lady told her she was a saint. My SIL said "I may be his wife on paper, but she's his real wife." My 7 year old nephew that his FI has raised as her own and has only had 3 overnight visits with SIL ever (because of SIL's choosing), is now with her. The 15 yo hasn't been home to either home yet, as he's staying with his uncle right now. My brother's FI has been staying with my sister because she can't be at their house right now. SIL actually mentioned to my brother's FI that she wouldn't mind if they became roommates for the kids sake since they already get along really well. If not, the kids not only loose their father but the siblings they are so used to having with them 24/7.
My brother had no life insurance, no health insurance...nothing...and five kids. All I can think about is the kids. How will the nearly 3 yo understand her daddy is gone and that the 7 month old will never remember him. I hate that I didn't force my brother to let me take his family pics especially since the baby was born because there are no pics of my brother with all five kids. I'm sorry for the wall of text. Just so much has occurred. I feel like I need to write it somewhere. Someday, I might want to remember some details I forgot and at least this way, its here.
Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers and please continue for his kids, they will need it.
Re: Worst Thanksgiving ever. (super long)
again, im so sorry for your loss gin. i know were just internet strangers but i wish there was something else we could do for you and your family. big hugs
eta im pretty sure your sil and bm can file for social security on behalf of the kids. not trying to be insensitive but you seem really worried about the financial aspect, wasnt sure if you all had thought of it
Wow. I am so sorry you are going thru this, but most especially his entire family is having to go thrus this.
Lots of warm thoughts and prayers are going all of your way today.
I am sorry for your loss.
As the daughter of an organ transplant recipient, I also wanted to thank you for thinking beyond your own pain, and your own grief, and allowing your loved one to be a "superhero" (in your family's words). My mom's donor is a superhero in our eyes, and we are forever grateful to that family. I know that words cannot take away your pain right now, but please know that there are families right now that are so very grateful for you and your family demonstrating the kind of strength and bravery you have shown.
I will keep you all in my prayers.
I am so sorry for your loss! I am sure it was a total shock. Please allow yourself as much time to grieve as you need.
I can help with your Soc Sec issues as I am currently receiving them. It will be a tangled mess that is for sure. First, yes there is a family Max and it will be divided between all the recipients equally. That is how it was done for myself and my 2 children. SIL: Are the children over age 16 yet? If they are under 16, SIL could receive caregiver benefits since she is still technically married to him. BUT if she is working they will reduce her portion based on her pay. They reduce the amount $1 for every $2 over $12XX a month she makes (they just upped the limit and I am not sure what that amount it). The FI's children with him will receive benefits but she will not receive caregiver benefits since they were not married.
So if the family max is $3000, there are 5 people receiving it, each person would receive benefits of $600/mo.
They will need copies of birth certificates, marriage certificate, and death certificate. Also bank acct info since it will be direct deposit.
TTC 10/11. IUI 2/12. BFP 3/8/12. 4/26/12 missed mc. RE consult 5/17/12. IVF #1 ER 7/13/12 53R, 41M ICSIed, 32F, 8 5d, 6 6d blasts - all PGD/frozen. PGD results 1 normal M and 1 normal F, 1 maybe M. FET 9/6, transferred 1 F embie. Beta 9/15 BFN. FET#2 planned for 11/2012 put off until 2013. Surprise BFP 11/21/12!! My son was born on 7/24/13!