Does this seem rude?

msditz00

I sent an email to a group that works with DCF to ensure that foster and adoptive parents get the support they need.  The lady I contacted help a DCF social worker to run our PRIDE classes.  I am kind of offended by the email I got back, but I'm not sure if I'm just being sensitive.  Thankfully, at the same time I emailed this lady, I sent a seperate email to our social worker.  Our social worker looked into the case, and advised me what to do to get a new case opened.  She feels it would be in M's best interest to have DCF documenting what is going on.

This is the email I sent -

Hi there, my husband and I were in PRIDE classes with you last year. We are now licensed and waiting to adopt.

A couple weeks ago a situation came up in the family and we had to take in a relative's 2 year old. DCF was initially involved with the case a couple months ago, but never took custody of M. DCF closed the case, but M's mom has proved she is not fit to parent right now. So now DCF is telling M's grandmother they can't reopen the case, because she is safe with us. But the problem is M's mom can come take her from us at any time. We are hoping you can point us in the direction of an organization that will help us with the legal aspect of getting custody/guardianship. And also, do you know of anyone except Cares 4 Kids that helps with daycare? M's mom has been taking all of her child support money, which had been used to pay for her day care. Cares 4 Kids said they can't help us unless she is in DCF custody, and we make too much to qualify.

Thanks for any tips you can give us. We are trying so hard to make sure M is safe, but need guidance.

This is the reply I got:

If the case was closed, then maybe you should have called the DCF Careline to report that Mom either gave M to you or you took M because she had no where to go. The DCF Careline can accept or not accept your report. Do you really want to be involved with DCF? Your other alternative is to go to probate court and get legal guardianship. If Mom is really bad, than her parental rights should be terminated and DCF should get involved but if not, and it would be a hard case, try for legal guardianship. You said, "Mom cannot parent right now." What does that mean that she will be able to parent later? As for child care assistance, there are no organizations that can help. You really just need to contact probate court. No one else helps with daycare except Care4Kids. DSS also helps with money per month for children like this. I think it is about $364 a month. That is something you'll need to check into.  

herray

I think the first few lines are rude, and they set the tone for the entire message. I would be pissed if I got this email.

What a helpful individual. 

I'm sorry you were treated this way.

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

msditz00

Thanks for your replies, both of you.  This board has really given me a lot of great advice and encouragement in the last couple weeks, and I appreciate it.

We have discussed the pros and cons of DCF involvement, and are leaning towards there being more pros than cons at this point.  When we first agreed to take M, her mom was heading in a good direction.  That quickly turned around, and are not heading in a good direction at all.  We feel that we need DCF documenting M's mom involvement (or lack of involvement).  We know that there will be a huge commitment on our part in terms of meetings, but we will do what it takes to make sure M is protected now and in the future.

DaisyZH

I am wondering if maybe she shot this e-mail off without really reading it for tone.  It doesn't come off very nice, but since the actual information seems factual rather than angry I would look for the best in this situation and just figure she was trying to get a response out quickly and didn't think it through.  Or as a PP said she just may be a more abrupt person.

I hope this all gets sorted out for you, I'm so glad that M has a safe and loving place but I know this is hard for you and I hope you get the assistance you need.

msditz00

I wanted to have people read this and reply first without backstory, but since I have had a couple replies I will give a bit more info -

This lady works very closely with the social worker who does the PRIDE classes.  As I have mentioned before, it took a year and a half to get licensed.  A big reason for that was we were sending in our paperwork, and trying to get contact with the social worker but would never hear back from him.  So after a few months I gave up on him and called his supervisor, who knew who our social worker must have been before I even offered up his name (and did not seem pleased with him).  Within a week this lady and our social worker came to our house, but didn't do any part of the home study.  It was almost like they came out just to say they did something (they were here and gone in a few mintues).  The next week we got a call saying we were reassigned to a new social worker, and our homestudy was completed within a few weeks.

So I think this lady may have hard feelings that we got her friend's supervisor involved with our case.

msditz00

Sahara78:

Lurker here - not sure if you realized, but you included M's full name in your copied email. DCF involvement would be a gamble. Since M's drug addicted mom could reclaim her at any time and leave her with anyone, it may be safer for her to have them involved. Good luck!

Thanks for pointing that out.  I edited it out of my email, forgot about the other email.

Thanks!

IRR

A little rude, but after reading others' comments it does seem like a frustrating situation you are facing.  I wish you the best of luck and inspired that you are trying to do what is best for M.  Keep up the good work.

MayDayGirl

My immediate reaction was the first few lines were rude. Though I would assume that she was in a hurry and wrote it poorly, because the rest of the email seems fine. I got the impression she was trying to help as well as get some answers, though did word poorly.

lizlemon2

I think she was rude in the e-mail.  Maybe she is just one of the abrupt people.

I work for DCF, and see her point about if you want DCF involved.  We are very invasive and take over your life, but at times can be helpful. I don't know what state you are in, and am certainly not a lawyer.  But as a SW I do think that if you got guardianship through Probate Court, if M's M showed up to take her you could call the police. You would be her guardian.

For the day care, is there a child care office in your town? Many people in MA can get subsidized slots if they qualify based on income, even if they do not have DCF.  You could also check with your local welfare office.  You may qualify for what is known as grantee relative payments, or get child support from one or both parents. You may be able to call the Dept of Revenue, and see if she is getting Child support payments.  If she is, those should go to you. And she is committing fraud.   You are caring for M right now.

Another option you have is to file an abuse/neglect report yourself to the local DCF office.  So M's mom left her with you and she is safe now, but you do not have anything legal saying you have custody or guardianship? What if you needed to take her to the doctor, sign her up for school, etc? Someone needs to be legally responsible. That itself could be grounds for neglect (by her parents, not you).

 

Good luck with everything. Please take everything I say with a grain of salt, as I know services and rules vary by state. Just trying to give you ideas of where to start. And I think it was very kind of you to take in a family member. I hear everyday family members who say no.  It sure is no easy feat, and you have had to deal with a lot of stress because of it.

msditz00

fredalina:

I think you should contact a family law attorney and get legal custody, which will allow you to have support payments routed to you and afford you some legal recourse if she turns up.

I have one that is now advising us what to do.  This week the decision will be made if we will end up going through him or DCF.  The more information I am finding out about M's mom, the more concerned I am getting and the more I think DCF needs to be involved.  Which is a complete 180 from where I started - just two weeks ago I was dead set to keep DCF out of this.  But that was when I didn't know all the facts about what has gone on the last few months.