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Late Term and Child Loss
Mrs Nice
member
***Loss Check-In***
Mrs Nice
member
Hello Ladies,Welcome to our Thursday Check-In! I am sorry to have to welcome new loss moms this week but am so glad that you have found us. I hope we can bring each other some much needed comfort and support. Please feel free to join in when you are ready and share as much or as little as you wish. Also, if you have any questions you would like answered, just ask! Any lurkers out there please don't be shy, we would like to be able to support you too.Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?QOTW: What has been the most helpful thing someone else has done for you?Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?
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Re: ***Loss Check-In***
Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?
Kind of...I go back to work on Monday (today is technically my 8 wks.) and yesterday I went to Target to buy new work clothes because I can't fit into any of mine that I wore last year. I spent over 2 hours there. It seems like everything these days takes me so long. I had to fight back tears the entire time because I don't know how to buy clothes for the shape that my body currently is and I get frustrated. I really hate shopping anyways, and that is one thing I can use the word hate for. I lost the emotional war as I inevitably walked over to the baby section, like I always do, and looked at all the baby clothes and prettiest holiday dresses. I find myself wondering how Lillian would've looked in them and wondering how many she would have had. I've also cut my pumping?s down to 1 every 24 hours, in the morning when I get up, in an effort to be pump free when I go back to work next week, but I think I may still continue to pump and store my milk. While I know that donating my milk is really nice to do, I wish frozen breast milk stayed good for more than a year. I look at all I have in my deep freeze and wish I could keep it for my next baby, (if we have one now, more on that later).
What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?
QOTW: What has been the most helpful thing someone else has done for you?
What helps me the most is when Lillian's Dad cries. These days I am hiding my grief and when he cries, I feel safe to let go and it's a big relief.
Also, my company is amazing. I just started there last Nov. and found out I was pregnant super bowl weekend, so I've pretty much been pregnant the entire time I've been there! They gave my boyfriend and I a HUGE shower and got us all our big ticket items and they haven't known me that long. When they found out Lillian died, they all took it really hard. Most of the people from my department came to her funeral, work overnighted a big check for us to use however we needed, they didn't use my vacation week that I have left as part of my leave and are letting me come back in whatever capacity I wish and take any other time off that I need. And as stupid as this sounds, even with all their generosity and outpouring of love...I'm still scared and nervous as hell to go back. I know I am going to cry, that will be inevitable with all these great people, but I also am afraid of how I will handle the month-end stress. Thankfully, we are coming into our slow time.
Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?
Lillian. Always Lillian. Also, when I asked my boyfriend the other day if he wanted to have another baby, he said he really doesn't know....and he couldn't even look at me. I felt like he punched me in the gut. I spent the rest of Tuesday and Wednesday feeling very down about everything, more so than I had and I couldn't cry about it or talk about it because we had his son with us. I read some things online from The Grieving Dad's Project yesterday and it helped to squash the suffocating feeling I had due to keeping everything inside. I know it's only been 8 wks. and I am having testing done in one month and he wants to wait for that, but his birthday was 3 days before Lillian was born and he just turned 36. While I am 31 and I know I have time, he has told me that he doesn't want to be much older with a young child so I'm really stressed out.
Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? This past Monday we had my son's memorial service. It was very hard but I was able to be strong for my girls, of course I was crying a lot but I prepped my ODD for that. At the cemetery I have always felt this great feeling of calm, for some reason I feel so at peace there. He was burried in baby land and I did not shed a tear during the cemetery, I felt good about being able to finally lay him down to rest and that he has a place where I can go visit him!!! We already visited him yesterday and are going back today.
What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? Still don't have much of a goal. Maybe be able to see people I know and not freak out. We've been out of the house a lot and I like that but everytime I run into someone I start sweating, my stomach drops and I feel like puking, and I just want to literally run away. I don't know how to get over this though.
QOTW: What has been the most helpful thing someone else has done for you? Well, financially...we had one of our best friends start a fund raiser for our son's funeral services and she was able to raise over $2000 and we have received another $2000 from friends that just rather give us the money personally. That covered all our funeral arrangements completely and we are so greatful!!!
Emotionally...my boss bought me a bracelet with 3 heart charms on it, 2 pink and 1 blue for all my babies. It touched my heart so deeply and I just cried when I saw it. I love it so much and it just made me happy!
Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? This week is very difficult because it's Thanksgiving day and also my EDD will be on Sun. I was supposed to be holding my baby boy today because I was scheduled to be induced on the 16th, instead I'm celebrating Thanksgiving without my sweet baby and that's just heartbreaking.
Last night I coldn't stop crying and this morning I just feel sad and I've been very out of it. We're going to go visit his grave soon, so that's giving me something to look forward to.
Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? Not really. I do feel like I'm more stable right now than I have been since Halloween...which is a good thing. I don't feel as depressed and sad as I did back in August when we first lost Devon.
What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? I want to make it through our first TTC window without breaking down - and with being OK that, more likely than not, we won't be successful. Once I get over that hump, I'll feel better.
QOTW: What has been the most helpful thing someone else has done for you? One of my coworkers has had lunch with me almost every day since I came back to work six weeks ago. That has been an absolute blessing. She's also come over to hang out and make sure I'm OK - I don't have a lot of friends left in my current town, so to have her support has meant the world.
Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? I think it's because of stress, but AF came to visit three days early, which totally jacks up our TTC window. I was really upset about it at first - and I kinda still am - but maybe it's a blessing in disguise. My husband is stationed out of town and won't be back until the tail end of my TTC window, so I've accepted that it'll probably be a bust. Still kinda sucks, but oh well. It does kinda take the pressure off.
Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week? - no new steps this week. I actually feel I took a giant step backwards. My DH and I received Sophia's autopsy results and there were no answers that we could be given. I hadn't prepared myself for the possibility of not knowing so the loss feels so fresh again.
What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal? - just to continue to make it through the holidays one day at a time.
QOTW: What has been the most helpful thing someone else has done for you? - my parents have been amazing from my dad making all of Sophia's funeral arrangements to my mom coming over to make sure I get sleep and helping take care of Eva.
Open Topic. What is on your mind this week? - Sophia and not having answers for why she was taken from us.
Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?
I don't think so. My due date was 5 days ago and I've been in a sad, dark place since then.
What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?
My goal is to make it through the holidays. Aria should have been here for Thanksgiving, my birthday, and Christmas. I don't want to celebrate without her. I have a countdown on my phone to help me get through the days.
QOTW: What has been the most helpful thing someone else has done for you?
On Friday, a teacher whose classroom is across the hall from mine invited me to her church. I haven't been to church in weeks (months?) b/c I've just been too angry but decided to accept her offer. I enjoyed the service and I know it was a step in the right direction.
Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?
Getting my relationship back on track: My fiance and I have been struggling a lot lately. We argue constantly. It hasn't been good. I know we're still grieving and I know we do it differently. We need to sit down and talk about things. :-(
My Blog www.jdsrainbow.blogspot.com
Have you taken any new steps towards healing this week?
Just the usual little progress everyday.
What is the next goal you have set for yourself? Do you have a plan to help achieve that goal?
Continue living a healthier lifestyle and hopefully drop 5 pounds by Christmas to get me closer to my pre-baby weight (assuming my TTC efforts don't work),
QOTW: What has been the most helpful thing someone else has done for you?
People who aren't regularly in my life anymore reaching out to me. It's amazing how many people truly care. I just found out that an old coworker of mine (who I wasn't that close with) donated to one of the charities listed in Bradley's obituary. That makes me feel really good.
Open Topic. What is on your mind this week?
Bradley and all the traditions we should be starting this year.