Help:( Husband doesn't agree with attachment parenting

flutist12

So, I am an advocate for attachment parenting. In my heart, I know this is the best way of parenting my daughter who is 6 months old. She was a month premature and has always been high need baby. She does quite well as I wear her in sling often, bedshare and breast feed. didn't go back to work until she tyrned 5 months and only work 12 hours a week. My friends who take care of her do an awesome job. Initially first couple days were rough but now shes all smiles when Im away *approximately 3 hours. When my daughter was born, my husband says. " oh we will have to let her cry it out" I told him absolutely not! At that point, I hadn't done much research I just knew I was not comfortable with cry it out..sooo I started to research info to validate what my instincts tell me is right. I have read everything I can find on subject and now very strongly believe this is best for us. Around 2 months old, we had huge fight about it. Husband told me not to hold the baby so much! Then, after fight, next day alll was fine didnt say a word about my methods untill 3 months later- again huge fight- and each of theses ocassions refusedto listen to my point of view at all but I am not backing down. Today for only the second time ever-he watched her while i worked...I came home him watching tv and my baby screaming while lying on the floor:( told me she was being naughty and just trying to get attentionnand all her needs were met! I don't know what to do:( And after all the research I have read I'm so worried if he treats her like that its going to damage her developing brain/sabotage all the bonding we have done. He doesn't watch her normally like I said this was 2nd time ever. Any advice would be appreciated...

Meemaleema

Not all men are natural born parents. They don't always have the nurturing abilities some woman do. I remarried when my son was 2. My 2nd husband didn't have a parenting bone in his body. His father was not nurturing so why should he. 16 years down the road we "adopted" an infant that's teen parents were killed days between each other in violence. 2 years later, I'm pregnant and my husband cried that God made us wait until I learned patience and practice with this baby that we foster. In the meantime we raised a now almost 18 year old together. Little bumps along the road. But ya know what? I filled in the blanks where he couldn't and he filled in the blanks for me. It's his baby too ad even if you disagree on areas make sure he knows that his opinion counts too. He is trying. Even if it doesn't feel that way.

ncbelle

I think you need to have a heart to heart with your DH in a calm manner - why is it that he feels the way he does?  Would he be willing to read any resources that you might offer?

Just guessing but if he's like many men he hasn't had much hands on experience with infants prior to becoming a dad.  So he may be basing his parenting point of view on what he hears around him in society.  Asking him where his point of view is coming from - and trying to understand that - might him see your point of view in turn.

I think the biggest issue is that y'all are not on the same page about parenting - and you need to be.  I don't think any parents see eye-to-eye all of the time, but you should be in agreement on the big stuff.  I also think that dads need to be able to care for their babies as well as mamas - it sounds like he hasn't had much one on one time with your LO - I think that one on one time is important.  It's also worth noting that sometimes dads aren't quite sure what to do with infants or aren't confident in their abilities to care for an infant (that may or may not be the case here) - that's another reason that one on one time is so important.

In any case, I think it's very important for the two of you to really work on getting on the same parenting page - and that may mean getting on the same relationship page first.  A date night would be a good way to start the conversation as you need to reconnect with each other before you can reach an agreement on raising your child. 

MagPie 1986

flutist12:

So, I am an advocate for attachment parenting. In my heart, I know this is the best way of parenting my daughter who is 6 months old. She was a month premature and has always been high need baby. She does quite well as I wear her in sling often, bedshare and breast feed. didn't go back to work until she tyrned 5 months and only work 12 hours a week. My friends who take care of her do an awesome job. Initially first couple days were rough but now shes all smiles when Im away *approximately 3 hours. When my daughter was born, my husband says. " oh we will have to let her cry it out" I told him absolutely not! At that point, I hadn't done much research I just knew I was not comfortable with cry it out..sooo I started to research info to validate what my instincts tell me is right. I have read everything I can find on subject and now very strongly believe this is best for us. Around 2 months old, we had huge fight about it. Husband told me not to hold the baby so much! Then, after fight, next day alll was fine didnt say a word about my methods untill 3 months later- again huge fight- and each of theses ocassions refusedto listen to my point of view at all but I am not backing down. Today for only the second time ever-he watched her while i worked...I came home him watching tv and my baby screaming while lying on the floor:( told me she was being naughty and just trying to get attentionnand all her needs were met! I don't know what to do:( And after all the research I have read I'm so worried if he treats her like that its going to damage her developing brain/sabotage all the bonding we have done. He doesn't watch her normally like I said this was 2nd time ever. Any advice would be appreciated...

it sounds like you're not doing much "listening to his point of view" either.  maybe you both need to sit down and really talk about AP.  you should tell him what aspects of AP are the most important to you and let him tell you what aspects of parenting are most important to him.  you may not get to AP 100% all the time because, like it or not, your child has two parents who are equally as important in their development.  maybe you can reach an agreement about CIO and find some middle ground

also, another comment/question: your DH has only watched your child twice in 6 mos???? 

Emerald27

I would be very upset if I came home to DS lying on the floor crying while DH was watching TV.

That said, I agree with PP that it is important for daddys to find their own rhythm in caring for their children. DH's and LO's relationship will be very different from yours and LO's, even if you agree on parenting styles.

Sit down with DH away from LO, either while LO is napping or when you are out alone, and discuss carefully what is MOST important to both of you so that you can compromise. Agree not to let LO CIO in exchange for something important to him. Take the time to really listen not just to what his preferences are but to his reasoning behind them. Also explain your reasoning.

Together you can be great parents for your baby, but marriage and parenting requires careful communication, sincerity, and compromise.

Maybe your DH is a bit jealous of the baby and needs more affection/ attention. It could be being expressed as frustration directed at LO. Whatever the underlying issue, talking things through and compromising will be the way to go.

cecilyandgautam

It sounds like a few things are going on here. First, there's an issue with communication between you & husband. PPs have given you some good recommendations on listening to your husband's point of view and giving him room to develop his own parenting style. If you're more supportive of him coming into his role as a father, he'll probably be less inclined to blow up at you for your mothering approach.

Second, I think it's worth reflecting on the fact that mothers & fathers do often times differ in their parenting styles and that's ok. It sounds like he kinda gave up by watching TV when your daughter was crying, but he'll get better with practice and with your confidence in him. 

I found this article interesting and it might help you appreciate how important a father's role is, even if it's not quite as nurturing as yours: https://www.crisismagazine.com/2012/men-dont-mother 

dreadiemama

Meemaleema:

Not all men are natural born parents.

This and though it's by no means an excuse it just might be something that you need to consider. 

My suggestion would be sitting down and talking to your DH in logical manner. Maybe try not to talk about LO specifically at all just generalizations of parenting styles. Then after you understand each other (not trying to make one way right or wrong) segway into how that applies to you guys. 

It could possibly be that he is intimidated by  the baby and doesn't really know what to do. My brother was this way with my neice.. he didn't really change a diaper, or do much with her until she was about 2 or 3 years old. She's 8 years old now and they have a wonderful relationship but until she could talk and tell him what she wanted he was pretty much clueless.

Hyaline

First, to the idea that men are less naturally inclined to parenting than women:  I not only think that this is utter crapola, I think it's a dangerous attitude for the OP to have going into a conversation with her husband.  Sure, *some* men are less nurturing.  Some women are, too.  Some men are more nurturing. On average, men might display fewer"nurture" traits or some such, but: Averages aren't going to help the situation at hand, and neither will an attitude of "well, I'm the better parent, so listen to me."  

OP, I wouldn't be happy about the TV incident, either, but I'm reading some red flags in your post that speak to a bigger issue.  DH has only watched DD twice in six months?  No wonder he doesn't know what to do with her!  She has two parents--he needs to be involved, and that means that you have to step back a bit and let him find his own style with her.  I might suggest letting him take charge while you're home more often--that way, if he gets overwhelmed he can ask for help, and if he's taking a serious wrong turn (like the TV thing) you can step in before it escalates and calmly work out what to do instead.

Like PP said--you're going to have to have calm, even discussions with DH to settle on the parenting approach you're going to have as a team, and that doesn't mean that you both have to do things the same way. "I am not backing down" is not going to help.  You may have to compromise, because parents who are a team are, IMO, more important that adhering strictly to any particular parenting philosophy.

 Finally--I appreciate you not wanting to damage DD, but keep in mind that most research discussing developmental disorders stemming from neglectful parenting are talking about chronic neglect and lack of nurturing, not a couple isolated incidents.  I seriously doubt that the incident thus far has done any damage to the months of bonding you and DD have.  Now it's time to get DH to learn to bond in his own way. 

rubber_chicken

Meemaleema:

Not all men are natural born parents. They don't always have the nurturing abilities some woman do.

 

This is the most sexist piece of gibberish I've read this week.  Stereotypes like this are insulting to men and detrimental to women.