At my wits end

Nineoceans

SS is grounded right now for punching the dog in the face. This is a recurrent thing and regardless of our punishment for him he continues to act like an sshole to the only animal in the world that lives and breathes for him.

Bm gets rid of animals on an annual basis and SS has said in the past that her boyfriend killed a cat in front of him this was brought up in court no one cared

When we told SS that his actions could cause us to have to rehome the dog he said that was because the dog was bad and next time we can get a good dog. We explained there will never be a next time and no more animals ever in our home until he can be kind to the ones he has. We also explained our animals are as precious as siblings and need to be treated with respect and love no impact.

He has no remorse or empathy for living things. I'm seriously at a loss. Also he said he punched the dog because the dog tried to jump on him so it was the dogs fault not his. He is almost 8.

Thoughts? Rehoming the dog is mostly a bluff he is a pitbull mix and those dogs are put immediately to sleep. I've called around to various rescues already. It's also not a dog problem but a SS problem so I'm sure I could not bring myself to go down that route any ways.

I'm seriously about to just keep the dog on the leash with me so he is never around SS alone for any reason. So awesome to deal with this and a newborn right now.

Any advice or suggestions would be appreciated

xmaryrickx

The dog should never be allowed near SS at this point. But the bigger picture here, is that your SS needs major help. He is showing seriously disturbing signs, and needs professional intervention. Now. Not later.
I am sorry you are dealing with this.

Holly_1007

xmaryrickx:

The dog should never be allowed near SS at this point. But the bigger picture here, is that your SS needs major help. He is showing seriously disturbing signs, and needs professional intervention. Now. Not later. I am sorry you are dealing with this.

yep. this. 

seriously, keep the dog with you at all times.  and get SS some therapy ASAP.  and why did no one press charges against the BF for killing a cat in front of a child!??

unhdncr21

I agree with PP... you might want to see if it is at all possible for someone to talk the dog.... for the dog's safety .... GL

lookame3639

This child needs some serious help, even if it's just a cousulling visit every other week. Today it's punching the dog in the face, tomorrow who knows what. It also sounds like the child is holding a lot of anger

Why did BM and BF think it was ok to kill a cat...and in front of the child? If BM wasn't around for it then where was she?

Nineoceans

The cat thing apparently happened like three years ago but SS still talks about it so its upsetting to him still clearly. I guess the cat was meowing loudly and the boyfriend picked it up and dropped it out their apartment window like four stories that is what SS told us originally

When we went to court SS lied to the home investigator and said the cat got hit by a car and that's how it died.

As for last night we had the elf on the shelf make an emergency trip to our house and he is watching SS and the dog at all times and Christmas will be cancelled if there is one more incident. We will also try to make sure they are never alone together although that is almost impossible. SS believes completely in Santa Claus so this did motivate him at least.

We have had him in counseling for wetting the bed and other behaviors but most therapists say he's pretty young to do much more than work on behavior modification and Bm also opposed counseling. I will talk to dh about resuming that though.

Anyone had experiences with kids like this that turned out positively? Any suggestions on exercises to build empathy.

SS does show empathy towards his friends and his siblings but he is so flat about things. For example this morning we were talking and he said "I miss my teddy bear but it's gone because my mom didn't pay the storage bill" I was like who told you that she didn't pay her storage and he said "well it was in storage and the bear is gone she must not have paid" just so matter of fact about things. He also said his brother on her side is having trouble at preschool because, this is a quote, "he doesn't play well with other children."

I will also look more into rehoming the dog but because of his breed and the fact that he's 90 pounds he is a really tough sell, plus obviously we love him and would rather teach SS to be kind.

Littlejen22

He is lucky the dog did not mailing you and we would all think you we're lying when we saw you crying on TV a criticism of him and not you. I agree to never let the dog be alone with him. And is he is therapy? I cannot remember your family dynamics, do you have other kids? I would never let him be alone with another kid older or younger than him, if he is not in therapy and something major does not change he very likely will eventually harm a small child my hitting or molesting or both. I am seriously concerned as this is the first sign a psychopath/antisocial.

Littlejen22

I would strongly suggest you see a therapist that works with antisocial people and get their advice on what you could do. Many people are born with no empathy and while I hope that is not the case here I would guess if it is then all you will be doing is teaching him how to hide it better, sociopaths are very charming and they have the ability to feign empathy.

As for court, how do you know he lied in court and not to you? Is it possible that one time the Boyfriend threatened to hurt the cat but the cat eventually was hit by a car or that SS totally made it up, a kid that could punch his beloved dog in the face could certainly make up the cat story.

And hopefully the elf on the shelf will work but even if it does you cannot assume the behavior will not return after he gets his gifts.

ETA: I agree that the elf is a bandaid. And until you get to the bottom of it I would not let him have any access to the baby alone including when you are sleeping, someone thy can hurt a dog can hurt a baby, and a baby is taking away from him so there could be more reason.

xmaryrickx

Personally, I think rehomimg the dog should be the absolute last resort. It's teaching SS that if he doesn't like something to be mean or nasty and it will go away. I know you need to keep the dog safe but seeing as you don't have full custody correct? how is keeping them separated 100 of the time near impossible? Leash the dog and keep it with you. If you have to be out then lock the dog in a room, if your H can't be trusted to keep them separated.

I feel for you in this situation. I can't imagine how hard this must be. Pushing for more therapy is important. I would also try to expose him to lots of feel good stories about animals. Try to show him that they, like him, have feelings and that he doesn't need to like them but he needs to respect them and be kind to them.

Cheerilee

My brother used to hurt our dog. He was abused and acting out what happened to him. When my sister was old enough, he began hurting her. As an adult, he hit his girlfriends, got into bar fights, and had several restraining orders against him. He got therapy and is better, but he's afraid to be alone with his son.

A neighbor of ours used to kill and nail squirrels to trees. He was being molested. He later molested his little brother.

You never know the road your SS is on. If he's 8, he should know better. You can't put the Elf on a Shelf bandaid on the problem. If you don't take care of it, it will escalate. You need to find out the WHY of the problem which can only be done in therapy. It's BS to use the excuse that BM won't let you. Fight for it. Either with her or in court. You have a major problem that isn't taken care of, you won't be able to handle it later. You have a baby to think of. It's "just" the dog, now. He may move onto hurting your LO next when he grows bored of the dog. Could you live with that? No, and you'd blame yourself for not doing something while you could.

Sigir

I would just start bringing him to therapy, let bm take you to court to try to stop it if she disagrees. This is way too serious to wait to try to get her buy in or go to court over. I would be on the phone TODAY to get an apt.

Like others have said, cruelty to animals is a marker for some pretty serious problems. Is bm still w that boyfriend? I would be concerned that he might be abusing ss, if he truly killed that cat. But, as others have said, if ss has a serious problem he may have made that up all together. I saw a tv program on children who are sociopaths and they all share the characteristics of cruelty to animals and flat affect about things, which you have described as seeing in him. So these are all such complicated issues, and so many unknowns, you need a good professional therapist to help you sort this all out.

In the meantime I would be v concerned about your baby being left alone w him. Be super conservative, because you know you'd never forgive yourself if something happened.

Best of luck and sorry you are dealing with all of this!

CFjo2010

You need to get SS in therapy RIGHT NOW.  This type of behavior is not acceptable and as PPs have said, is a marker for more serious issues later on.  If BM has a problem with the therapy, let her take you to Court.  Violence against animals is never ok, especially when it's a deliberate action.  I say "deliberate" action because there is a difference between getting startled and reacting, and willfully and wantonly hurting an animal.  It sounds like what SS did was deliberate and he has no remorse for hurting the dog.

Keep your dog with you and away from SS as much as possible.  I know it's hard with a newborn, but your dog needs to be protected for right now.  You should also avoid leaving SS alone with your newborn for awhile.  He's clearly acting out and there's no way to know what is causing it or who he'll lash out at next.  Please don't try and rehome your dog.  Pitbulls are so sweet and loving, but they get a bad reputation and are hard to find good homes for.

Good luck to you, and I'll be keeping you and your family in my prayers.

Nineoceans

She is still dating the jerk. We also know that he disciplines SS through spanking which Dh went berzerk over but again it's none of our business what goes on in her home unless it rises to the level of abuse...and I've made three separate reports to CPS on similar things (coming home with a bruised face- said he fell off a bike to us, the hospital social worker- we took him to the hospital as soon as we saw him, came home with a black eye- said he fell off a razor scooter and coming home saying his brother hit him with a stick) none at all have been followed up on. In our court report for custody 6 months ago it was reported that CPS never even contacted the other parties- just closed the cases.

I posted this last night when I was truly exasperated so thank you guys for not flaming. SS really is a truly sweet kid. I do not think he's a sociopath. I think he has experienced a lot of truly horrible things that he has not or will not talk about to us and shuts down so as not to get hurt. He would never be unkind to us- just the dog and this started about 4 or 5 months ago.

We don't even have problems really with him talking back, he is generally a very good kid, but terribly mean to the dog. I am ALWAYS telling him, don't pull his ears, don't lay on him etc. Even when he is affectionate with the dog he will try to kiss him on the mouth which we repeatedly tell him not to put his face in the dog's face.

We will put him back in counseling. We pulled him out bc Bm spent the whole session saying he never has any problems at her house and he's only acting out because he hates us- completely unproductive bull---t. She said she wouldnt work on ANY of the homework exercises ANY of the counselors gave us (we went to two different ones.) Both counselors also thought SS was normal and it kind of made us feel like we were crazy for thinking there was an underlying issue (at the time he was wetting the bed) 

Also some background on our situation, the first time he punched the dog,  about 5 months ago, we cancelled his trip to Disney world. We take this incredibly seriously. Well the IL's and Bm thought that was far too harsh of a punishment and that's how we fell out with them. So I think a lot of the problem is SS will do something wrong and will not get the immediate correction. Instead he has Bm and my dumb@ss in laws saying that he is an angel and everyone else is wrong. The dog must have been wrong, it's no big deal etc. 

That is also why I think this is more a learned behavior than being born a sociopath. We literally have not spoken with my ILs since that occurred and they are now taking us to court for custody because we caused my SS to become "suicidal" when we cancelled his Disney trip. They are such morons. Truly. I digress though, but you can see why I am at the complete end of my rope.

Littlejen22

I hope your assumptions are right, just remember your love can cloud things. When my SD was acting out as an older teen we no longer let her be with my DS and she was no where near punching dogs in the face, we just worried that she was jealous and acting out could escalate. I really really hope it never escalates but remember that just because he has not hurt a person does not mean he will not, especially since it sounds pretty certain he is being beaten at his other home. I would still do therapy, I cannot imagine a therapist saying punching a dog is normal.

Nineoceans

I totally agree he will not be left alone with baby or dog

hopecounts

Remember sociopaths can be very sweet and pleasent, when it benefits them.

The fact that he is cruel to the dog is a HUGE red flag add in the flat affect and I would have him in therapy yesterday and for the forseeable future. It can be a sign of abuse, a sign of sociopathic tendencies, etc and needs to be dealt with.

It may mean going through a few therapists until you find one that takes you seriously but it's very important that you deal with this appropriately.

As others said the elf is a temporary fix that may be teaching him to hide his behavior more than adressing any real issues.