Attachment Parenting

What age is too old for inviting your own friends to your child's birthday parties?

What age is too old for inviting your own friends to your child's birthday parties and expecting gifts?

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Re: What age is too old for inviting your own friends to your child's birthday parties?

  • Any age is too old to be expecting gifts... but, in my group of friends, we use it as an excuse to get together... The kids go and play and the adults chat in the living room for the most part...

    The kids range from newborns to 8 years old.  But there are enough of each age group that they play together.

    ETA:  There are about 7 of us adults, and we always include our friend who chose not to have kids too.  Usually if we have kids of our own, we send along a gift.




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  • We get together as friends too, however, at some point it is selfish.  When integrating a child's birthday party with an excuse to get together, many feel obligated to bring a gift regardless.  Furthermore, those without children are that way for a reason - either they cannot conceive or they choose not to have children.  Why make it more painful to those friends by using the base to get together be your children? 

    What ever happened to getting a babysitter?

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  • You asked for an opinion.  I gave it. I personally think that your response is quite rude.

    ETA: you obviously have some issue in your life and my response wasn't what you had wanted to hear.  But it works for us and we are quite happy with it.




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  • Thank you for your opinion. No issues here, just open reponses.
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  • I don't know what age to quit inviting your friends to come by. But the response on you shouldn't invite people who don't have kids is weird in my opinion.  I have a couple of neighbors that have chosen to not have children of thier own but love mine.  I am going to invite them to the first birthday cause they watch him grow up.  They like seeing children but liked thier life with no children of thier own.  Just because they choose not to reproduce does not mean it it painful for them to be around other people's baby. Also, my SIL is trying to have one but hasn't been successful yet but she would never miss a chance to see my baby or her friends.

     

    And i think it is weird to expect gifts from anyone at any time.

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  • Thank you for your thoughts.  It is easy to be in a position when we already have kids to say that others want to be around our kids if they do not have their own, which is many times true.  However, we need to truly respect how they feel when asked to come to birthday parties each year for 8 years.  It is silly to be without a gift when one of the festivities include the gift opening.  Of course they will feel obligated to bring gifts regardless of whether you expect it or not.   

    Try reading the posts in Communities: Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss, Infertility, or Child Free: Not by choice......

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  • I guess my answer is: when the kids are old enough not to need 1:1 supervision.  Obviously 1 year olds need a lot of supervision; I would be pretty peeved if a parent just dropped off a  1 yo and left.  However, by 5 years old, kids are pretty self-sufficient, so I wouldn't be surprised to have no parents at the party.

    I also operate under the assumption that the kid's party is for the kids... even if it's a nice time to socialize as parents.  Even for DD's first birthday we plan to invite family and her "friends" (kids she interacts with - obviously because they're the kids of our friends) with their parents.

     

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  • Michelle,

    I get it. It gets better. Hang in there girl, and don't let the pain cause you to throw away good friendships. If you could see through that dark cloud, you would probably see that your friends are just trying to not cause you more pain by leaving you out. An invitation is not always an expectation. You will be a mommy some day soon, and will be throwing a party for your own LO. Then all of this will just be a memory of that part of your journey. I'm sure that you would want your closest pals celebrating right along side with you on your LO's special days, and I am sure that is how they feel about you. Don't go if you feel that it is awkward, but I am 99.9% sure that your friends are not trying to make this more painful for you than it already is, and they probably genuinely want to see YOU, and not your gifts. ((hugs))

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  • hocus and phd, thank you also for your thoughts!
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  • Rachel, smiles to you! Smile  It is good to hear different opinions from both sides.
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  • We have a large group of friends that includes other married couples with kids, childless couples, and singles.  Two of the childless couples were childless not by choice. One has since adopted a baby.

    Here's how I've looked at this one:

    When my kids were too young to understand "birthday parties," we did a little celebration with family and adult friends.  This basically covered birthdays 1 through 3.  It just so happens that my kids' and DH's birthdays are all right around Labor Day.  We would usually just have everyone over for a Labor Day cookout to celebrate the collective birthdays.  Presents were very optional.

    As my oldest grew old enough to have her own friends, I did traditional kid parties for her where her friends were the only guests.  None of my friends have kids her age, so I did not invite adults to these parties at all.

    However, in the friend group, there are MANY couples who have boys who are just a little younger than my son.  My son considers some of these children to be HIS friends, not merely Mom and Dad's friends' kids.  Since these families are coming from further away than the school friends, and since the parents are usually friends of mine or DH's from college, the parents usually stick around instead of dropping off.  Since the kid is the party guest, the parents don't bring an additional gift for my kid.

    Once my kids had their own friends to invite, I didn't invite single or childless friends to the party at all.  However, if it came up in conversation prior to the party, I always let single or childless friends know that they were welcome to come and hang out.  Most understand that it's a kid party and are at the very least not offended, and possibly even relieved to be let off the hook. 

    High School English teacher and mom of 2 kids:

    DD, born 9/06/00 -- 12th grade
    DS, born 8/25/04 -- 7th grade
  • I don't think I would ever do this; my child-free friends would rather have a root canal without anaesthetic. For us birthdays (esp. Early ones) will probably be family events. 
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  • From the point of view of a parent who is friends with a couple dealing with infertility, this could be a tough problem.

    Am I being offensive if I invite the childless couple to my child's milestone birthday?  Or am I being offensive if other parents will be there and I DON'T invite the childless couple, thereby excluding them from what becomes a de facto chance for the rest of us adults to get together?

    Very close friends of DH's and mine struggled for over 5 years with IF.  I just talked to her one-on-one about this issue and told her that she should call the shots when it came to stuff like this -- that I would always extend an invite, but that she should never feel obligated to come if it was a) painful or b) just a pain in the butt.

    She understood that I could no more orchestrate my child's birthday celebrations around her IF than I could expect her to put aside her IF and slap on a happy face at my kid's birthday parties.  We took it one event at a time.  There were times when she really wanted to be involved in my kids' stuff.  At other times -- especially after a failed treatment or major disappointment -- she would decline. 

    You should never feel like you HAVE to attend any birthday party.  If you're not close enough to the parents to have a talk about it like my friend and I did, then just RSVP your regrets and move on.  But don't take offense at BEING invited by them.  They're no more in the wrong to extend an invite than you are to decline.

    High School English teacher and mom of 2 kids:

    DD, born 9/06/00 -- 12th grade
    DS, born 8/25/04 -- 7th grade
  • I think it depends entirely on the type of party.  A bunch of kids at gymboree from preschool, then, I'd say you don't invite your own friends at all.  A lunch at your house for the kiddo's close friends, then I say invite any of your friends who are also their friends.  Yeah, they're adult friends, but they may still be important in that person's life.

    As for expecting gifts, I also say never.  I really wish that birthday's didn't have gift opening at them (and I won't do it), because it makes it about GETTING STUFF!!  And that's not what the event should be about at all.

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  • imageMichelle3081:

    We get together as friends too, however, at some point it is selfish.  When integrating a child's birthday party with an excuse to get together, many feel obligated to bring a gift regardless.  Furthermore, those without children are that way for a reason - either they cannot conceive or they choose not to have children.  Why make it more painful to those friends by using the base to get together be your children? 

    What ever happened to getting a babysitter?

    I'm not understanding this post. Why can't you invite your friends out, and have it be specifically sans children?

    DS1 - Feb 2008

    DS2 - Oct 2010 (my VBAC baby!)

  • DD is two and the only people that were at her party that didnt have children were her godparents. I have one other friend that doesnt have kids that is very involved in her life and he and his wife came but they also asked to be invited. If you are talking about friends like these I dont see a problem. If you want to get together to get together then have a BBQ. KWIM :)

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  • We always did BIG parties every other year. The opposite ones were for just our family. I know it doesn't answer an age but when a child is old enough to really know what they want, why not start suggesting they ask all their friends to bring a donation for a needy fund. Parents should not give parties just to get gifts! I have always spent more on the party than te cost of the gifts received.
  • I would think about Kindergarten when your child is old enough to have an opinion about who is at their party (assuming we are talking bday, I don't know any other type of party where you get gifts.)  At that point they are in school and have made their own friends.  It's pretty tacky to "expect" gifts at any time, but of course, most birthdays involve people bringing gifts, so I assume that's what you mean.  I would think when your child is old enough to pick out a few friends they want to come over, then you stop inviting over other random people and save them for playdates.

     

     

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  • This is an interesting post...

    I think that our plan is to do a "family-only" party at 1 year, and perhaps a friend-party (i.e. friends with children around our child's age) at 2. Maybe for 3 and up, we will ask our daughter who she wants invited to her party- and the rule will be one child per year of age. (For example, when you are 8, you get 8 friends, etc.). That was the rule when I was growing up, and it worked to keep the parties manageable.

    Honestly, before I had kids, and even now when I have a child (she's only 4 months, though), I would rather poke myself in the eye than go to a child's birthday party.  

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