Twins Update - Suggestions on dealing?

amh04

Sorry I never responded to the inital arrival post - things have been flat out insane with them being in the NICU.

Here are a few pictures to apologize tho

Hayden at Birth - He had some swelling, weighed 3 lbs 5 oz, 15 inches long (recipenant of TTTS) Baby A.

Hayden, yesterday at 33 weeks 6 days. Weighing 3 lbs 11 oz.


Liam at Birth - weighing in at 3 lbs 4 oz, 16 1/4 inches long. (Donor of TTTS)

Liam yesterday at 33 weeks 6 days. Weighing in at 3 lbs 12 oz.

I wish I could say that they are doing fantastic and will be home soon, but truthfully we have a long road ahead of us. Hayden, our A baby, has a Grade 3 Brain Bleed (IVH) - and while we are optimistic that it'll clear up, they have involved a neurosurgeon at this point so he is aware of his case, as his ventricles have in fact gotten larger since last week. We're hoping thats just because his body is going to start reabsorbing it soon, but we won't know more until next Monday. They aren't sure if its a result of the TTTS or the lack of oxygen at birth, he wasn't breathing. He is doing fantastic otherwise and I refuse to let anyone tell me that he could have a disability long term, while I'm aware of it, it won't make me treat him or love him any differently. He is starting to take partial feedings on the bottle now! Took 12.5 mL last night! Whoo Hoo! I've been able to do kangaroo care with him the past few days which is my favorite.

Our Liam, baby B, has developed NEC and after finally getting them in the same room, he is now seperated again and in isolation which is heartbreaking. It's so hard to not be able to bounce back and forth between the two. He is on bowel rest for another 6 days and antibotics for another 4. Thankfully they caught it really fast and they think that the worst is behind him. It's just going to be a slow start when he does start feeding again, he'll recieve only breastmilk, while Hayden will recieve formula if neccessary. We were lucky enough to be able to have donor milk for the first week and a half, but now there is a huge shortage sadly. My supply is coming in though, slowly, and they are freezing what extra I bring in for him. He also won't be recieving fortifier either. Hopefully my poor baby is feeling better soon, I hate seeing him sick and having to get another PICC line

So that's where we are at. We're hopeful they'll both be home by Christmas (39 weeks) but.. we also know there is a good chance they won't be.

I can't help but feel guilty that I couldn't keep them in longer, and that they are having to go through everything that they are having to go through. I also feel seperated from them emotionally, even with kangaroo care. I'm just in this state of "this isn't how it's supposed to be" and feel like I should have this immediate connection with them. I love them to pieces, and I hate leaving them, and love holding them.. but I don't feel like their mom. I'm struggling with handling the up's and down's and I'm trying my best to increase my supply, I pump every 2 hours, I stay hydrated, I drink the mothers milk tea, I had to start Reglan because the NICU LC is concerned the herbs will affect my thyroid medicine. I'm just sort of at a loss here... I'm trying so hard to stay optimistic, but sometimes, I just want to take them and run away and be normal, or I just break down and cry. Today's a good day, but yesterday was a pretty rough day..

SBBBE

Your LOs are darling. Hang in there. It sounds like you are one hard working momma. You not feeling like their momma is a normal feeling and gets MUCH better with time. I had twins in the NICU for over a month and I can't tell you how pleased I get that they prefer me most of the time. I am sure this will become more problematic as time goes on but I could care less.

Hugs. Praying for the health of your babies and that they are home in time for Christmas.

CTbride79

First of all, your boys are beautiful! 

Secondly, like the others said, I could have written the same thing about how you are feeling when Gavin was in the NICU!  I loved him so much of course, but did not feel like mom yet, and I felt so guilty for not being able to get him to term.  Things will get easier.  I hope the issues they are experiencing resolve soon and I hope in fact they can come home for Christmas!  T&P coming your way! 

And definitely use this board to vent, etc. whenever necessary!  The NICU is a very overwhelming place, and we've all been there! *hugs*

kelkel09

they are adorable! I am sorry to hear they have had a few set backs, but just try to stay positive. What you are going through is definitely not easy and you are not alone in the feelings you have been having. Hand in there!!

MinaE01

Your boys are adorable! What little fighters!

I totally understand what you're feeling. I couldn't look at my little guy without crying and feeling so sorry for whatever I did that caused PTL for a while. I'm learning to deal with the fact that there was nothing I did or didn't do to cause it. It takes awhile, though. I also felt a little detached while he was in the NICU. I wasn't his primary caregiver and that's tough to deal with. However, I knew that the care he was getting in the NICU is far beyond what I could do for him at home. I had to tell myself over and over that he was where he was the safest and my time to be a hands-on mom would come.

My supply is terrible, too - and my baby is 1 month old. Nothing helps me! You just pump what you can and it will be better than nothing!

I'm sorry you're feeling so helpless, but I can tell you that it gets better, especially once they are home. And yes, the NICU emotional rollercoaster will continue, and that's totally ok. Keep taking care of yourself so you can be strong for your babies.

LnR70707

Your boys are beautiful!   I think all preemie moms go through the emotions you are dealing with right now.  I know I did even with a late preemie.  It is very hard not to question why it happened and blame yourself, but please don't feel this way.  Lots of T&Ps that your boys are home as soon as possible.

RobinR91

They are beautiful! It sounds like you're doing everything you can. Just no those little babies will love and cherish you as there mommy no matter how rough a start they get. Congrats on good weight gains!

jcsntms06

Thank you for sharing your boys with us. You and your little ones are definitely in my prayers. Try not to beat yourself up with the whole not pumping enough. Stress is a huge factor, and I'm sure your stress level is through the roof. Just remember we are all pulling for you and your boys.

amh04

Thanks for all the kind words ladies. It's nice/reassuring to know that what I'm feeling is normal and that I'm not alone.

My biggest struggle has been trying to handle the thousand daily questions from family and needing to console them and ease their fears while dealing with all of this emotionally. I finally told DH last night that I couldn't play that game anymore, if they want to google something and freak themselves out after we told them not to google, then I'm not answering the phone.

Thank you again for the insight and advice/stories they really do help.