We have been discussing a willingness to adopt a child up to the age of our youngest biological child, who will be 2 to 5 at that point, with the visual special needs at the top of the priority list. We know there's little chance of an infant being available. What do you all think or what have you heard about the pseudotwinning this would create with our bio toddler/preschooler?

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Re: Liketwins with toddler bio/adopted children
Application approved Dec '11
Mar '12: Homestudy interrupted by change in Uganda requirements - where do we go from here?
After searching and searching, back with Uganda but with our homestudy agency's program.
Homestudy complete July 19
USCIS I-600A submitted July 20. Biometrics appointments arrived Aug 17; fingerprinted Aug 21; 171H received Sept 25th. On the wait list Oct 1st: #18. By Jan 25th, we're #13!
Come home, baby A!
We are also open to ages up to our DS's age. We actually were comfortable with adopting a child older than him but what we have read strongly discourages disrupting birth order. That being said as PPs have said it seems like there are a lot of real-world examples of out-of-birth-order adoptions and artificial twinning working well.
Also, I've read that the toddler ages in particular can be a difficult age to adopt at, I know there is a recommended book I just can't remember the name of it at the moment. I'm going to be looking for it as we are also looking at adopting a toddler.
We are also open to ages up to our DS's age. We actually were comfortable with adopting a child older than him but what we have read strongly discourages disrupting birth order. That being said as PPs have said it seems like there are a lot of real-world examples of out-of-birth-order adoptions and artificial twinning working well.
Also, I've read that the toddler ages in particular can be a difficult age to adopt at, I know there is a recommended book I just can't remember the name of it at the moment. I'm going to be looking for it as we are also looking at adopting a toddler.
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While I'm a strong proponent of exercising the utmost caution when considering adopting out of birth order, I think artificial twinning is okay as long as you can be fairly certain the child you are adopting has experienced minimum trauma in his/her life.
I believe that preserving birth order in adoption is a much bigger concern than it initially appears. Adoption/foster professionals often cite jealousy and the child's understanding of how they fit into the home as a reason for preserving birth order, but there's a much bigger side to it that they often choose not to discuss when not relaying the circumstances surrounding a specific child. Many older children who are in foster care or are available for adoption have experienced trauma in their lives. This could be as simple as losing caregivers through death, but more often means witnessing or being the victim of abuse, neglect, or other violent behavior. Children who have suffered these types of trauma often act out thos types of behaviors on younger children around them. This can happen even if they are getting all the emotional and psychological help they need; it's often part of their process as they learn to cope with what happened to them/what the witnessed. So in the minds of many adoption professionals, placing an older child, who may have had a turbulent past, in a home with young children is not ideal in most situations. This could also become an issue when adding a child to your family who is roughly the same age as your child, because with a history of abuse, the new child may act out against your biological child.
The book about adopting toddlers is Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft. It's a good book, if a bit dry and dated. I might also recommend reading the following, which are all great books about the difficulties that often come with adopting older children:
Parenting the Hurt Child: Helping Adoptive Families Heal and Grow;
Wounded Children, Healing Homes: How Traumatized Children Impact Adoptive and Foster Families; and
Attaching in Adoption: Practical Tools for Today's Parents.
Thank you so much, that was the toddler book I was thinking of! I just read Parenting the Hurt Child, very informative!
[quote user="DaisyZH"]Thank you so much, that was the toddler book I was thinking of! I just read Parenting the Hurt Child, very informative!
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You're welcome. If you liked Parenting the Hurt Child, you really should check out Wounded Children, Healing Homes. I read it while we were in Peru adopting J, and was stunned at it's honesty and that so much of it was like a journal of what we experienced with M.
Also, if you get Adoptive Families magazine, there's an article in this month's issue that may or may not have actually made my jaw drop with how accurately it described the adjustment phases in older child adoption. The author included a paragraph about how you might find yourself chasing your 7 year-old child into the street, throw them over your shoulder, carry them into their room, and hold them for two hours whispering reassuring phrases and "I love you" into their ear for two hours while they thrash and try to push you away. We did that, word for word. It was spooky, and I actually checked to see if the author knew us or something.
I have no experience in adoption, but I thought I could offer my professional experience as an age 3-8 special education teacher in "inner city" areas.
Someone posted that they thought there would be no problem with it as long as the adopted child has no sever trauma, etc. I couldn't agree more. Most children are amazingly accepting. They seem to never see color, size, sex or disability. They speak from the heart and learn to love and be loved.
I have significant experience working with children with moderate to severe autism, down syndrome, multiple disabilities and less severe disabilites such as learning disabilities and ADHD. As we enter this adoption journey, I have a few reservations from my professional life that make me nervous. We are currently researching and exploring all of this. I have repeatedly witnessed children with a family history of mental illness and children who have been sexually abused have extreme difficulties "fitting in." I use the term fitting it because I have seen behaviors such as: intentionally urinating in the classroom, playing with feces, telling repeated lies, making sexual comments and advances at the age of 4...unfortunately the list goes on. I think this would be something to explore further because I am no expert, but this is just my experience. I know I have the heart to do it, I'm just trying to decide if I have the strength to do it. Kudos to all who have the strength...I admire you. I don't mean to deter you at all...I just realize that my profession has probably exposed me to more "child related issues" than other professions. Best of luck as you make your decision.
I usually get the magazine at the library, I will definately grab it! It's good to know what worked for people that have actually gone through the process, thank you so much!
We have virtual twins (I prefer that to artificial anything....) but they were both brought to us via DIA and I do believe that is different.
We researched it and talked about it and read more... the one thing I can say is there is very little academic research that supports this practice.
Now being a mom of a toddler, I can understand how difficult it might be to rock her world with someone her own age... esp going from one to two.
I think you need to research and go into it w/your eyes wide open and ready to spot signs that concern you and address them head on. The fact you are here asking the question says that you are a concerned parent and will probably arm yourself with resources.