S/o do you assume your child...

tarebear9891

Will be gay or straight? Or do you not assume anything at all?

Do you say things like "one day your wife/husband..." Or just leave it neutral? Do you enforce gender norms like little girls playing with dolls and kitchens? Or boys only playing with boyish toys?

tarebear9891

I will post mine...

Dh's family does NOT agree with the way I parent. They think being gay is a choice so they basically fear the way I parent.

For example, I painted my oldest's toe nails because he asked. MIL and SIL freaked and told him that was only for girls.

Another thing he will walk around saying "I'm the Queen!" And I heard MIL say "you are a king not a queen." I told him in front of her "you can be a pretty Queen if you want to be."

I am always careful to not say anything that makes assumptions about them for the future. I have already explained that people love who they love and there is nothing wrong with that.

ATMmom324

We do not enforce gender norms.  I have had to talk to the grand parents about that and that they don't need to only buy DD dolls and DS trucks and guns.  I am assume nothing about my children's sexuality especially at this young age.  I will admit that when DH and I discuss things like when DD gets married I usually imagine it being to a man.  I think that is just because that is more of what I am accustomed to and more the "norm",  I have been to and seen many male/ female weddings.  I have been to only one with two women.  It is wrong on my behalf but I still when I picture a wedding in my head picture man/woman.

ridesbuttons

We talk about the boys growing up and becoming daddies in certain contexts, and having a family of their own, but that is it.

AshasaurusRex

I assume mine are straight. We don't enforce gender norms though, I let DS go into Home Depot with me carrying a baby doll and DD plays Superman all the time. Play is play and toys are toys.

RockyTopVols

I assume my daughter will be heterosexual because of statistics. If she is, cool. If she isn't, cool. 

I secretly hope she doesn't like boys. Forever.  

This reminds me of the lady who posted that she thought her toddler was going to be a lipstick lez because she liked doing feminine things now. Mind = blown.

Smootchy

I don't know. I guess straight..

I don't really talk about "one day your wife/husband" because he's not even 3 yet and I'm more concerned with him toilet training than dating...

DS has a play kitchen. He tells me he doesn't like "dancing" when I tell him he does like dancing (we dance all the time) he doesn't like ballet dancing which is ok (conversation when in a search and find book he had to find ballerina music box) He can do whatever he likes to do...

jess60

I guess I assume he's straight but I have no idea, really.

We have made comments about him having a "girlfriend" but only because he was being super cute & sweet with a friend's little girl.  We were BBQing outside & he kept running inside, would grab two chips, run back outside & give one to the little girl.  He did this over & over again for almost 10 minutes & kept trying to hug her.  It was pretty cute.

DS mostly likes the rough & tough stuff.  He's into super heroes & likes to shoot things (he makes a gun out of anything & has since before he was even 1 yo).  He has played with "girl" toys & I don't care at all but he naturally gravitates towards trucks, tools, & other things that are more "boyish".

He does like to wear my heels around the house, especially in the kitchen where the make the most noise on the floor.

KathrynMD

I assume DD will be straight and I assume she will get married and have children at some point, but DH and I will be happy if she's happy. 

We don't really enforce gender norms - we buy princess stuff, but we also buy trucks.  She definitely prefers the girly stuff though.  I sort of see it like meals/food - my job is to offer a variety healthy options and she picks what she wants. 

PeonyPumps

I won't assume anything for either child, although I do hope that whoever they decide to love wants to have children with them, because I surely want grand-children!    

 My H tends to freak out about gender roles, it really doesn't bother me.  DS will frequently play while I'm getting ready for the day, and I don't mind if he sits and brushes his face with my make up brushes or etc.  We don't have a lot of "girly" toys right now because we only have a boy at home and have been given 90% of our toys, but I don't plan on running out and buying princess stuff for her either, it's not our style.  She can learn to play on the same primary colored toys that DS plays with now. 

penguingrrl

I assume nothing and will be happy as long as they're happy. I will fully embrace any partner they bring home that I think is a good match for them (I'll be picky about the person fitting them, not about what genitalia the person has). We don't force gender-specific activities although both of my daughters have generally gravitated towards dolls, dress up, cooking/baking, etc so fairly traditional "girl" toys. My younger one loves playing with blocks and building with legos as well, which I guess is considered a "boy" thing (I'm going by what half of TRU its sold in since I don't understand how blocks are a gendered toy). They're also very much into bike riding and playing sports, which I guess are traditionally "boy" activities. I'm quite certain that when their brother arrives he'll be in tutus and dress up clothes as long as they can get away with it because his sisters love that stuff and I'm sure he'll go along with it because it's what the other kids are doing.

RondackHiker

Like RTV, I tend to assume straight bc of statistics.

We do avoid gender roles or restricting toys or that kind of thing. We don't talk about his future spouse much, but I try to say spouse instead of wife.

I have told him he will be a good daddy if he has kids, bc he loves taking care of his baby doll. And that he is so sweet to give flowers that his friends and whoever he dates will be happy.

I want both to be normal to him. I don't want him to hide anything or ever feel ashamed.

Libby1978

I don't assume anything.  At 2, I don't talk about a future spouse for Oliver.  The twins are 14 and they've made it pretty clear that they prefer the opposite sex, but you never know.  Anyway, I usually just say, "if you get married one day _____."

I also let Oliver play with whatever toys he wants.  I totally believe in making toys gender neutral.  Yesterday at Target he picked out a girl baby doll and a bottle to feed her.  It's his first girl doll.  He named her Anna per his sissy's suggestion.  I posted a picture of him with "Anna" on Instagram and FB.  So, yeah, I'm pretty excited about his toy choice.  After all, he could totally be the father of a little girl one day, right?

MrsNCT

I don't assume anything. I let her play with whatever toys she has interest in no matter who its marketed for. I just want her to be herself and happy.

CoffeeBeen

DH and I always joke that DS will be gay because he fits that stereotype of a little boy who likes to play with purses and dolls, but in all actuality I have no idea.

I let him play with things he enjoys and benefits from, regardless of what gender that's traditionally associated with.  And I don't think I've ever referred to a future spouse, but mostly because I don't want him to think he has to get married.

My sister and DH's best friend are gay, so I think its going to be easy to casually teach him that you define how you want your gender to manifest.

kwitt22

I guess I am assume straight. I will tell her as she is growing up men/men and women/women can married (and its OK) just like a man and woman. I will say we don?t buy her boy's toys, but I would never object if she got them as a gift or wanted it.

penguingrrl

I'll add that at some point last year I mentioned women marrying women and my older one laughed and said that couldn't happen. I told her that it could and reminded her of Aunt S and Aunt T, my cousin and her wife, and that they're married just like Daddy and I are (and now thanks to the wonderful state of NY they legally are; they had a ceremony 5.5 years ago and I considered them married then, but now they have legal protection.... yay!). She realized I was right and moved on and now assumes nothing as far as who can marry.

klondikebar

I assume straight because of statistics too. I don't care who my children marry or what toys they play with.

LnR70707

I'd be lying if I said I didn't assume anything.  At this point I assume DS will be straight, but at this age we just go with whatever he shows interest in.  He'll be getting a baby doll for Christmas, and possibly a tool set because we think he'll like those things

kmawb

I do not assume anything at all about DD being gay/straight when she's older - as long as she's happy.  We try to keep it neutral when talking about the future in terms of wife/husband, but we have referred to one of her little friends as her "boyfriend" because they are always hugging each other and his parents refer to her as his "girlfriend".

As for toys, I firmly believe that there are no gender spcific toys no matter what the toy ads say.  DD plays equally with cars, blocks, stuffed toys etc - but pretty much ignores the one doll she has.  We gave DD a play kitchen for her birthday last month and are giving her a train set and a pretend doctor set (https://www.justb-byou.com/toys/caring/dr-doctor/, because she loves to "fix" boo boos on her animal toys) among other things for Christmas.  She also has the Tonka construction vehicles (vintage from the late 70s) that used to be mine and my sister's when we were little and she loves them.

blush64

EDITED below to clarify I didn't assume one thing or the other but I didn't say "one day your wife or husband". I might have said "if you get married one day" My boys were given the chance to play with kitchens, dolls, carriages and many sorts of toys. They didn't usually want to play with dolls, their own choice.

I will expose my next child to everything. I don't believe in girl toys and boy toys, I believe in fun toys and those are the kind I would pick out. I also didn't go out of my way to dress my sons in neutral clothes. They wore a lot of blue when they were young but they had purple too. I don't think it's ok to push your kids to traditional "girl" or "boy" toys but I don't think it's ok to force them into toys if they don't want them. (ex forcing a boy to play with dolls if he doesn't enjoy them)

EDIT When my kids were really young I didn't really think about wether or not they were gay. I think I would assume they were straight, more of the population is. I just didn't think about it because they were little kids and really either way would be treated the same.

My kids are older now and I do assume they are straight. They seem interested in girls. I have spoken to them several times when they were younger about being gay or straight and that it's ok to be either, and I love them exactly how they are usually in response to something heard at school about a classmate being gay. I wanted them to know early on that gay or straight doesn't matter to me.

EDIT I had to clarify that I didn't think I really assumed anything and then thinking about it I did kind of assume they were straight but not in a negative way, just because more people are.

tarebear9891

I do think there is a double standard in society.

It seems to be more socially acceptable to allow girls to play with cars, Legos, etc than it is to allow little boys to play with dolls and kitchens.

RockyTopVols

tarebear9891:

I do think there is a double standard in society. It seems to be more socially acceptable to allow girls to play with cars, Legos, etc than it is to allow little boys to play with dolls and kitchens.

 

Very true.  

 

My wife has been painting and constructing these awesome wooden letters (my wife is a middle school technology teacher- and the woodshop teacher. She uses power tools better than me) and has attached all kinds of cool stuff on it. She painted the letters Brown to match the nursery furniture. She texted a pic of it to my SIL and her reply was it "didn't look feminine enough".

WTF? She is going to be a BABY. And it had mothafuckin FLOWERS attached to the letters. She was all pissy because the letters were painted BROWN.  Its like "biitch plz, you haven't been at our house in about 4 months and haven't even seen the nursery since we converted it from a guest room for my nephew... because you would know her walls are painted light PURPLE".

Not sure why a babies nursery has to be feminine but apparently it must be because my baby will have a vagina is going to be really pissed when she gets home and sees her name is spelled out in BROWN wooden letters. We are fail parents. 

 

RayRay007

I'm assuming DD will be straight. Don't know why, but that's what I picture in the future (we joke that DH will have to get a shotgun and showing embarassing pictures at her wedding where it is assumed it is a man she is marrying). But I'm not banking on it.

I purposely buy the gender-neutral or boy-ish versions of stuff and have limited 'girly' toys like dolls and strollers and things that enforce the stereotypical female roles and encourage her to play with blocks and cars and sports equipment. I don't know if that's the right way (because if I have a boy, encouraging him to play with blocks and cars and sports equipment would be enforcing stereotypes, so am I supposed to treat them differently and encourage him to play with dolls and strollers?).

mom2pottamus

I don't assume, and really I don't think about it.  They are 3 and 1.  The toys they are interested in are what they get, and because we have a boy and a girl there are toys for both.

I also don't mention when they get married because again, I don't think about it.  I love them for who they are, nothing that happens in the future will change that.

scoutkate

My initial reaction was to say that I assume nothing, but the more I think about it, I guess I've subconciously assumed she's straight:  I make jokes about her having a boyfriend or being betrothed to Twatley's Spencer, etc.  I've never made a joke about her having a girlfriend because it just hasn't occured to me to do so.  So I guess that says it all right there, and I'm pretty disappointed in myself.  I would have absolutely no problem with her being gay.  None. 

I will say that it is clear already that she identifies as female--not that gender identity has anything to do with sexual orientation.  She is very big on identifying boys and girls at the moment ("Mommy is a girl.  Betsy is a girl.  Auntie is a girl."  "Is Daddy a girl?" "No, Daddy is a boy!  Uncle Eason is a boy, too." etc) and she has never once identified herself as a boy, nor have we prompted her one way or another.   She has also--with no prompting from us--been clear in her preferences for stereotypical "girly" things like princesses, the color pink, dresses, ballerinas, etc.  But again, that has nothing to do with sexual orientation.

bunny731

I have always followed my children's lead with gender identification. I have had the benefit of seeing how little I needed to think through this with boy/girl twins. Since we always had a mixture of toys and interests.

Though I did have to nix the idea of them getting married to each other.

I assume straight because that is their current vision, if it changes then I support them.

NastyAnnie

I assume nothing, and say things like "Someday when you fall in love," rather than discussing marriage. Bun and I are not married, so I don't think "wife / husband" is a helpful denominator anyway.

Monsieur_et_Madame_Ha

I guess straight? I mean, like other people, statistically speaking, chances are they will be. But I don't really care either way. We have dolls, we have cars, we just let them play with whatever they want.

DD1 has started saying things like "this is for boys" and "this is for girls". I guess she learned that from the other kids in daycare. I make it a point to tell her that girls and boys can play with any toys they like, and she hasn't stopped playing with any of her toys, but sometimes she'll pick one up, and while she's playing, she'll look at me and say something like "Lightning McQueen is for boys". Or if we're out at a store and they have something in both blue and pink, she'll point at the pink one and say it's the girl one. Again, I'll tell her "No honey, they are for anyone".

I mean, I know that at some point, boys want to be boys and girls want to be girls, so I guess this was bound to happen? Still, I didn't think it would happen for another couple of years. How naive of me.

MommaG123

Honestly since DD is so young I've never really thought about it before.  I guess I assume she will be straight just because the majority of people are but I don't really think about it ever.  I've also never said/thought anything about her being married or having children one day either.

Right now she plays with girl things and boy things and has a variety of gender neutral things.  I don't have a problem with boys having girly things but MH's family seriously does so if we ever do have a boy I foresee that being an issue or talking point or whatever. Although I don't think what a child plays with or wears has any bearing whatsoever on what kind of a person they will be or who they will be attracted to.

In terms of the boyish things being more okay for girls than girly things being okay for boys I wonder if some of that is a product of women trying to be more equal to men as of late with gender equality and all that. KWIM?  

msdrdg

I assume DS will be straight just based on statistics.  If he is, cool, if he isn't, cool.  If he isn't it will be interesting to see what my close minded homo-hating father has to say about it.

Anyway, DS plays with his kitchen and he carries around his baby.  He plays with the babies at school.  He also loves his hammer and his cars and his lawn mower.

 As a child, I played in the dirt, I dug for worms.  I don't remember ever being girly.  I l can rock a nail gun like you wouldn't believe.  I am totally straight.

luckylauren14

I dont assume anything about DS, but like RTV says, statistics say he'll be straight. We don't really talk about marriage yet. I don't think he's there yet.

We also don't push gender roles. he has a kitchen and has dressed up as a princess (belle actually) with my friend's DD.

I can honestly say I don't care who he ends up loving as long as he is loved in return. I know my MIL will have a heart attack if DS is gay, but oh well. I know DH and I will support and love him no matter what. I don't see anything wrong with being gay as I also believe it is a natural occurrence. 

LoveBeingAWife33008

My kid is so young that all her toys are gender neutral (Elmo, etc.) but all of her clothes are pink and purple.  She can be whatever she wants to be and be with whoever she wants to be with when she grows up.