Random act of aggression toward BFing...Wow, big brother, really?

mcanant

My big bro, who claims to be all for natural ways of life(medicines, non vaxing etc.- except that all his kids have vax, they aren't home schooled, he takes all sorts of medications for stress, etc. -not saying any of that is wrong but he preaches to everyone around him how to live and he lives the opposite), decided to get angry with me last night after I was BFing on my parents couch with a sweater covering 90% of the action. He said i was being disrespectful to everyone around (his wife and me at the time) and that i need to think about someone other than myself and my actions. He said that's just weird and can't you just give the kid a bottle. I said she is covered, and he said so? you can still see a baby is attached to me. He has four kids and none of them have ever had BM at all. Wife just sat there with a smirk on her face. I was flabbergasted and he stormed off into bathroom. DH is really upset, and is threatening to not go to Thanksgiving dinner, because I am not going to go into a separate room or anything to feed my LO. She will be fed with a nursing cover on. It amazed me because he has seen me nurse her at least 6 times, and I did it last week at their house with no cover on!

sooner1981

Yeah--that is totally random!

Although I don't know what non-vaccinating has to do with BF-ing.  I EBF my 9 month old daughter but give a super-aggressive side eye to people who don't vaccinate.  I guess I just don't consider those two choices to be similar at all.

mcanant

I don't either. But he preaches about living an all natural life and gets very aggressive for people who give their children medication, give them vaxxes, he doesn't believe in eating grains, etc. But then he says oh my wife raises our kids basically so i don't follow my own rules lol. I'm like there is nothing funny about getting aggressive with people about sensitive issues then being a hypocrite. I do not agree or disagree with some of his beliefs but that's not the point. Don't yell at me about putting a cover on my entire body and make it look like i do not have a baby attached to me and then say something about me eating pizza, how its full of unnatural ingredients.

Ardmhs83

Sorry, but this will be blunt! I am a huge advocate for nursing and I EBF my son for 9 months.  Some people are just idiots!  In reality...he is probably just jealous that his wife did not nurse their children, so he is making rude comments towards you to make himself feel better.

Sorry you are dealing with this...go to Thanksgiving dinner and nurse your baby whenever and wherever you want!  If he and his wife are not comfortable, tell them to go elsewhere.  

mcanant

Ardmhs83:

Sorry you are dealing with this...go to Thanksgiving dinner and nurse your baby whenever and wherever you want!  If he and his wife are not comfortable, tell them to go elsewhere.  

 

It's at their house. I told my DH this. I will sit on the couch and nurse. I will continue to talk to everyone and since it's not a big deal for me, it shouldn't be for anyone else. Yes, I will use a blankie or cover, but guess what? You can still tell a baby is eating...

DH said we should get there, drop off our food, go to Kmart or something until dinner is ready, eat and leave

krissi813

That's terrible! People are do horribly rude when it comes to breastfeeding and I so do not get it. I would say you need to talk to your brother and tell him that his behavior is unacceptable but I don't think he would care. As for his wife, she probably feels insecure about her own mothering skills because she didn't want to breastfeed and now you're showing her up.

 Unfortunately, our society is not very pro-breastfeeding. 

mcanant

krissi813:

As for his wife, she probably feels insecure about her own mothering skills because she didn't want to breastfeed and now you're showing her up.

 Unfortunately, our society is not very pro-breastfeeding. 

Before I had LO, she mentioned how her neighbor BF's all the time with her three kids and how she see's it as her acting high and mighty because she BF's. She also said what dumb person would take time to do all that work when you can just make a bottle? It makes me sad when I hear that after all the troubles we have had to get this BF thing to work. No one is on her saying well, you should have tried to BF since formula isn't natural. No one will EVER say that to her. There are great reasons why people need to FF, but it's not fair that it's usually BFing get criticism all the time.

pumpkinwife07

Wow! Your brother sounds a jerk. Sorry you had to deal with that.

Couple thoughts though:

1. Please, please, please don't take the his wife must be jealous or regret not breastfeeding route. YUCK. People have the right to feed their baby whatever they want. If you judge them for their decisions, then you are just as bad.

2. Just because people are "natural" doesn't mean the can or want to breastfed. It's a much more personal decision than that. For example, my friend adopted her daughter and used organic formula.

3. If you are going to their home for thanksgiving, then you need to respect their wishes. Even though it may not be "right" -  I'd go in another room. Not everyone is comfortable with breastfeeding and that's okay. Remember just because a person isn't comfortable watching a baby fed, doesn't mean they are anti-breastfeeding.

TJ1979

Wow.  If that were my brother, I'd have some choice words for him.  I'm sorry you have to deal with that.  Rude is bad enough, but hypocrites really piss me off.

mcanant

pumpkinwife07:

Wow! Your brother sounds a jerk. Sorry you had to deal with that.

Couple thoughts though:

1. Please, please, please don't take the his wife must be jealous or regret not breastfeeding route. YUCK. People have the right to feed their baby whatever they want. If you judge them for their decisions, then you are just as bad.

2. Just because people are "natural" doesn't mean the can or want to breastfed. It's a much more personal decision than that. For example, my friend adopted her daughter and used organic formula.

3. If you are going to their home for thanksgiving, then you need to respect their wishes. Even though it may not be "right" -  I'd go in another room. Not everyone is comfortable with breastfeeding and that's okay. Remember just because a person isn't comfortable watching a baby fed, doesn't mean they are anti-breastfeeding.

I agree with all above, and it is their choice how they fed their children. Their kids are all healthy and fine.  I do have a problem with being told to go away from the general public. There are two living rooms and if i am in one, covered up, then it shouldn't be an issue. I am not going to go into a separate room for 20-30 min (LO nurses long) every 2-3 hours. That is not fair. if they are that uncomfortable they can ask me to leave but I think by going to one of the living rooms, out of the kitchen and covering up completely, I am doing my part.

mexicolombiana

speer06:

Oh blah.  My feeling, and I suppose it can be a bit hateful, but I feel breastfeeding is one of the most natural and healthy things a mother can do for herself and for her baby.  If someone has a problem with it, it's THEIR problem not mine.

I would either go to dinner and nurse my child or not go at all, personally.  I'm sorry you have to deal with these kinds of negativity, escpecially from your family.

This is exactly what I would do.  Not supporting breastfeeding is a deal breaker for me.  Sorry to be blunt but EFF your brother, and I would either go and BF normally or NOT go.  I get so mad at these situations.  And I also get SO mad because I admit this never happens to me.  My dad brags about me still BFing my 10 month old and my brother thinks it's cool.  I just cannot fathom a world where someone in MY family would talk sh** about me breastfeeding MY own child.  I truly cannot imagine it.  

Sorry you're going through this. I hope you come up with a good solution because mine would be SCREW EVERYONE.

pumpkinwife07

"This is exactly what I would do. Not supporting breastfeeding is a deal breaker for me."

I get what you're saying, but you can't write off people just because they don't support breastfeeding or feel uncomfortable with it. My family and friends may do things I don't support, but I still love them and want them in my life.

Ardmhs83

mcanant:

Ardmhs83:

Sorry you are dealing with this...go to Thanksgiving dinner and nurse your baby whenever and wherever you want!  If he and his wife are not comfortable, tell them to go elsewhere.  

 

It's at their house. I told my DH this. I will sit on the couch and nurse. I will continue to talk to everyone and since it's not a big deal for me, it shouldn't be for anyone else. Yes, I will use a blankie or cover, but guess what? You can still tell a baby is eating...

DH said we should get there, drop off our food, go to Kmart or something until dinner is ready, eat and leave

I really wouldn't care at all if it was at their house.  A baby is eating for God's sake!  Sorry you don't use bottles like your SIL did.  They are acting really immature here and obviously jealous of their own parenting choice.  I would def. not go about my way and inconvenience myself, just b/c I am nursing my child.  I am a blunt person and would just straight up say, "I'm feeding my baby and if you don't want to see, don't freaking look!"  Go, eat dinner, feed your child, try to be merry and leave whenever you want to.  They are family...they are suppose to accept you and what your decisions are as long as they are healthy ones, and bfeeding is. 

Once again...I am sorry.  I use to sit right at the dinner table and nurse my child while I ate and I did it right in front of my own family and my IL's.  My entire family is FFers too...so of course they didn't understand why my son was ALWAYS at the breast.  That annoyed me, but oh well. 

Good luck...I hope everything works out!  Stand your ground momma!

blush64

pumpkinwife07:

Wow! Your brother sounds a jerk. Sorry you had to deal with that.

Couple thoughts though:

1. Please, please, please don't take the his wife must be jealous or regret not breastfeeding route. YUCK. People have the right to feed their baby whatever they want. If you judge them for their decisions, then you are just as bad.

2. Just because people are "natural" doesn't mean the can or want to breastfed. It's a much more personal decision than that. For example, my friend adopted her daughter and used organic formula.

3. If you are going to their home for thanksgiving, then you need to respect their wishes. Even though it may not be "right" -  I'd go in another room. Not everyone is comfortable with breastfeeding and that's okay. Remember just because a person isn't comfortable watching a baby fed, doesn't mean they are anti-breastfeeding.

I agree and disagree with this. Being uncomfortable around breastfeeding and saying that makes him uncomfortable is different than what he did. There is no excuse to blow up like that. She was covered.

If he expects to host the whole family then as a host he needs to do it properly. Kicking a nursing mother into a room by herself every couple hours because you think feeding a baby is yucky is not hosting properly. Even if you went to a mall you would be allowed to breastfeed. Why should a family holiday mean you have to be separated? I would not go to another room but I would make sure I was fully covered. Althought after that I really would be tempted not to go, I might just call everyone and let them know what happened and why I wasn't going.

EDIT Saying it's weird and that she could just give the child a bottle, saying she was being disrespectful...those are not owning his feeling and being uncomfortable  but rather saying the breastfeeding mother is wrong.

pumpkinwife07

Please stop with the jealous because they used formula or bottles. PLEASE STOP. You want people to be more accepting of breastfeeding. STOP assuming those who choose not to for whatever reason are jealous, it is simply not true. And, you are not helping. Two wrongs don't make a right.

If I'm at someone's home, I wouldn't do anything that made them feel uncomfortable. Maybe it's just how I was raised. It has nothing to do with breastfeeding. It has to do with having manners and respecting the person's home you are visiting. For example, I wouldn't bring wine into an alcoholics home. If it bothers you that much to breastfeed in another room, then just don't go. Seriously, it's not worth it.

LoriLee14

i don't know how big your thanksgiving thing is but ours includes the extended family too (uncles, aunts, cousins). I would not nurse in front of them even with a cover.

I would not like if my brother ever said something like that to me either. However i do not nurse in front of him. He feels awkward with knowing that my breast are exposed and i have accidently flashed some of my friends with my baby pulling on the cover to look out. I just go to a bedroom. Sometimes my mom or husband will come and chat or i just watch TV. I don't like being seperated from the conversation but it is just for a short time (a year is my goal) and i tell myself that next year will be different and wouldn't want to start a fight over something like that. I'm all about picking your battles.

Tell him that it hurt your feelings that he would say that but it is your choice to feed your baby how you want. If you are at thier house then just go to another room. And it makes them uncomfortable then they don't have to follow you into the next room.

hansonam446

Tell him when he grows breasts and carries a child he can have an opinion on how you feed your baby.

hansonam446

pumpkinwife07:

Please stop with the jealous because they used formula or bottles. PLEASE STOP. You want people to be more accepting of breastfeeding. STOP assuming those who choose not to for whatever reason are jealous, it is simply not true. And, you are not helping. Two wrongs don't make a right.

If I'm at someone's home, I wouldn't do anything that made them feel uncomfortable. Maybe it's just how I was raised. It has nothing to do with breastfeeding. It has to do with having manners and respecting the person's home you are visiting. For example, I wouldn't bring wine into an alcoholics home. If it bothers you that much to breastfeed in another room, then just don't go. Seriously, it's not worth it.

 

Seriously, what's your vendetta against BFing? The OP was completely covered and even stated she had BF'd her child there before with no problem. She never said her SIL was jealous, just stating she had never breastfed so didn't understand the dilemma. 

 

I'm with PPs on this; I'm going to feed my child where and when I want to and if no one sees anything what's the difference? Relax.

pumpkinwife07

No vendetta against breastfeeding. The comments about how "bottle feeding or formula feeding mommies MUST be so jealous" are what gets me worked up. Those comments are just plain stupid and must be called out.

blush64

pumpkinwife07:

Please stop with the jealous because they used formula or bottles. PLEASE STOP. You want people to be more accepting of breastfeeding. STOP assuming those who choose not to for whatever reason are jealous, it is simply not true. And, you are not helping. Two wrongs don't make a right.

If I'm at someone's home, I wouldn't do anything that made them feel uncomfortable. Maybe it's just how I was raised. It has nothing to do with breastfeeding. It has to do with having manners and respecting the person's home you are visiting. For example, I wouldn't bring wine into an alcoholics home. If it bothers you that much to breastfeed in another room, then just don't go. Seriously, it's not worth it.

Who keeps saying they are jealous? I didn't say or imply that. You keep saying it.

I have manners. I respect my family. If a family member decides to make a scene while I am in their home and try to make me feel bad for choosing what's best for my baby I would say they are being a bad host. Read what the brother said and did. He didn't privately tell his sister "I am not comfortable with this" HE went way beyond that.

Maybe he shouldn't offer to host a family function if he is unwilling to actually host his family properly. If he wants to exclude a family member or make them uncomfortable in his home, maybe he isn't up to hosting.

I was raised to make your guests feel wanted and like they are at home.

mexicolombiana

pumpkinwife07:

"This is exactly what I would do. Not supporting breastfeeding is a deal breaker for me."

I get what you're saying, but you can't write off people just because they don't support breastfeeding or feel uncomfortable with it. My family and friends may do things I don't support, but I still love them and want them in my life.

You sure can write off people.  Also you can still love someone and fight with them.  

And perhaps I should have said, no it's not about really supporting BFing.  I don't ask my friends and family to clap when I enter the room or hold my baby while I BF.  They don't have to "support" me or hold my hand while I BF.  They do have to shut the F up if I'm feeding my baby.  Period.  Besides I'm not flashing anyone while BFing.  I'm sitting quietly in the corner of a couch feeding a baby. If someone can sit on a couch and bottle feed a baby they can sit on a couch and breastfeed a baby.

And before someone says something about "whipping out a breast".  I have never once whipped out my breast.  I wear awesome breastfeeding clothes.  I wear a special nursing tank top that un clips easily then I have another shirt on so really you don't see anything.  Unless of course you are standing up ON the couch looking down into my shirt.  Then you might see my nipple.  You should see me BF.  I'm a freaking pro.  

So, yes.  yes it is a deal breaker for me.  If I'm not "allowed" to BF at someone's house discreetly IN the same room (if I want to be in the same room) then I would not go to their house.  Simple as that.  

 

cecilyandgautam

pumpkinwife07:

Wow! Your brother sounds a jerk. Sorry you had to deal with that.

Couple thoughts though:

1. Please, please, please don't take the his wife must be jealous or regret not breastfeeding route. YUCK. People have the right to feed their baby whatever they want. If you judge them for their decisions, then you are just as bad.

2. Just because people are "natural" doesn't mean the can or want to breastfed. It's a much more personal decision than that. For example, my friend adopted her daughter and used organic formula.

3. If you are going to their home for thanksgiving, then you need to respect their wishes. Even though it may not be "right" -  I'd go in another room. Not everyone is comfortable with breastfeeding and that's okay. Remember just because a person isn't comfortable watching a baby fed, doesn't mean they are anti-breastfeeding.

I was with you until you got to #3. IMO, if you're not indecently exposed, then they don't have a right to ask you to "go do that somewhere out of sight" just because it's their house.

OP, I think you should definitely still go to Thanksgiving because it would be lame for your brother to ruin Thanksgiving for everyone else. Now that he's gotten it out of his system, he probably won't blow up again with an even bigger audience. Hopefully your other family members would tell him he's out of line if he did. I think you should give him the benefit of the doubt, assume it'll be fine, and you can leave if it's not. 

mexicolombiana

RedheadBaker:

I know it likely varies by state, but in mine, if I decided to BF on the couch (covered or not) against the homeowner's wishes, the law would be on the homeowner's side. When out in public, though, I can BF anywhere I am legally allowed to be otherwise. 

ETA: Not assuming he would bring the law into his, or even saying he should, just that if you're going to start claiming "BFing rights!!111!" you should know what those rights are.  

Yes I totally agree.  You don't have the same rights in someone's house.  I also agree it shouldn't be a legal argument, but I agree w/you.  

sadsadie

Your bro is a twat.

 If it were me, I would probably write him and explain how he offended you and how his rant is totally hypocritical. I would also enlighten him on the benefits of breast feeding. I would conclude by letting him know he can either accept your choice to BF and support you (and let you feed your child as you like, when you like, where you like), or that he won't be seeing much of your branch of the family for a while.

Unlike other PP's, I don't agree with "his house,his rules." He is telling you how to feed your child. That is hostile and unacceptable. His behaviour needs to be stopped, not rewarded.

Or...you could just punch him in the throat.  

pumpkinwife07

"I would also enlighten him on the benefits of breast feeding."

YUCK. Again, two wrongs don't make a right. No one wants to hear about how your child is never going to get sick. Plus, when he or she does, they'll just toss it back in your face. Also, the guy has a couple of kids.

Look - not everyone has to like breastfeeding, just like many of you don't like expressing milk or  formula feeding. It's okay to disagree, just be respectful. Clearly her brother is an a$$.

 

mexicolombiana

Can we all just agree OP should throat punch her brother for being an ass? 

Seriously.  Sorry you have to go through this OP.   

pumpkinwife07

Anyone critical of how a mother feeds her child deserves a throat punch in my opinion.

rockychryslerb2010

I think with family, you have to pick your battles, so I don't think this is a big deal.  I would just go nurse in another room.  We're hosting for Thanksgiving, and I will probably do bottles/pump or nurse E in his nursery while people are here.  Granted, my son is a distracted nurser, so he couldn't nurse with a lot of people around.  He hates a nursing cover, so it is just easier to go into another room.

I think it is odd how your brother told you how he felt, I can't imagine my brother acting that way, but I wouldn't boycott Thanksgiving over it, or make it out to be a bigger deal than it is.  My issue would be with how he told me, not what he told me.  He isn't the first person, nor will he be the last, that is uncomfortable around breastfeeding.  It shouldn't be that way, but it is.

mcanant

I'd feel bad about punching him in the throat . However. I discussed it with DH. I will use a cover and sit in the less used living room. I will not go into private room nor will I let him make a big deal of it. If he yells at me again then we will leave plain and simple. That may not be what everyone agrees with but that is what we are doing. Stupid brother. 

mcanant

pumpkinwife07:

Anyone critical of how a mother feeds her child deserves a throat punch in my opinion.

 

i know you are upset with the jealous comments. I don't think my SIL is jealous. She never tried and its her choice how she feeds her kids. However it is rude of her to say us BFers are dumb and waste time with BFing. I happen to think formula is waste of money and takes just as long prepping bottles. That is my opinion if you can Bf. I know some women cannot and some have too much stress pain or other issues but that is my opinion. I would NEVEr tell her that to her face.  I think we all feed the way we want, the way we see fit and that is ok. I do not tell people like she does that their way is wrong. 

bpv101283

I wouldn't go to Thanksgiving.

sadsadie

pumpkinwife07:

"I would also enlighten him on the benefits of breast feeding."

YUCK. Again, two wrongs don't make a right. No one wants to hear about how your child is never going to get sick. Plus, when he or she does, they'll just toss it back in your face. Also, the guy has a couple of kids.

Look - not everyone has to like breastfeeding, just like many of you don't like expressing milk or  formula feeding. It's okay to disagree, just be respectful. Clearly her brother is an a$$.

 

WTF crawled up your ass pumpkinwife? Can you not just accept that breast feeding is a great choice with numerous advantages and benefits? I've seen you ranting all over this board, making empty accusations and seeing attacks where there are none. Calm! People objectively stating the benefits of breast feeding is not the same as shoving booby-squirting propaganda down other people's throats. Everyone has the right to make a decision how to best feed their child. In this case, the brother is NOT that person, but he is trying to inflict his choice on his sister. That's what we're discussing. I'm not sure what your agenda is. 

Just because douchebro has kids doesn't mean he understands squat all about breast feeding (or how it actually jives very much with the hypocritical beliefs the guy pretends to espouse). And Just because he's an ass doesn't mean OP shouldn't try to change his mind/attitude to be more accommodating, for the sake of family.