when to throw in the towel NAPR

msh1234

I created a new account for this post.  My DH is not beyond looking through my computer activity.  I just need some advice, and while I realize that this is not really AP related, this is the only board I have ever really posted on.  Anyway...

Since our child has been born (2 now) my husband has had anger issues towards me.  It started with him being very snappy and harsh with me.  I weened our child about six months ago, and have since had two trips out of town, one with family, the second with friends.  After the trip with friends he started to really have major trust issues with me.  He started looking through my phone, getting angry with me when I would want to do something without him.  Trying to guilt me into not choosing to go out with my friends.  Driving to find me when I was having a beer after work with friends and making a scene when he got there.  So much of a scene that a coworker pulled me aside the next Monday to make sure I was ok.

I was just beginning to realize that this was emotional abuse when he did something that nearly crossed the line in my mind.  I have major back problems and have recently been prescribed pain killers so I can sleep at night.  I am pretty sedated if I take them, and about two weeks ago he was apparently asking me to move because I was taking up too much bed.  I did not wake up with him talking to me, and all of the sudden he jumped out of bed, came over to my side, grabbed my legs and flung them towards the edge of the bed.  He was so angry, and though I don't think he was trying to hurt me, he did use force on my body in anger... which is dancing very close to physical abuse in my opinion.

And then there is sex.  Because of my back, and the way I've been treated over the last few years, I have NO sex drive.  My husband will get home from work at two in the morning and try to have sex with me, which infuriates me because he seems not to care at all how hard it is for me to get to sleep and stay asleep, nor does he care about how much pain I'm in.  He also tries to have sex with me even if I have taken the pain meds and am in a semi-sedated state.  I understand that this back thing is hard on him, but I feel like he is not sticking by me when I need support.  He is only concerned about his needs.  I cringe now when he tries to initiate sex.

When I think about staying or leaving, I always think of our son.  I wonder if I would be throwing in the towel and putting our son through hell prematurely.  My husband is getting counseling.  Since the incident in bed we have had two fairly good weeks where only the sex is the issue, not much emotional abuse (though he did question me about the underwear I was wearing to work the other day... he thought they were too sexy).  I worry that if we were not married, then I would lose control of the raising of our son, specifically in regards to my in-laws.  There is illegal activity happening at their home and I don't allow my son to go there.  Since my husband was raised there, and in his mothers words, "turned out fine," I fear that she would become his support system if we were to spit up, and I would constantly be worrying about my husband bringing our son to their house.  This is one of my biggest fears.  I don't want my son there, but I'm not sure I could stop him.  

And I would die if I lost out on raising my son 50% of the time.  Since I have gone back to work, my son has had some real anxiety.  Especially when his father takes him away from me at night time.  Sometimes my son comes and gets into bed with me before my husband gets home.  I let him stay, but it hurts my back to try to share a bed with him so I ask my husband to put him back in his bed when he gets home.  Every time my husband picks him up, he immediately wakes up screaming, "No I want mama!!"  How would this work if I didn't have hime half the time???

I know WWYD posts are silly, but I guess I'm just looking for thoughts.  Especially with the in-law issue.  Thanks.  Sorry it's so long. 

 

grangerize

I'm so sorry that you are in this position. Honestly, you should at least look at seperating while he is getting help. That way, he can focus on himself and his issues first. If you feel that after time and treatment that he is able to manage his anger, then you can work on your marriage together.

My dad is bipolar and has anger issues, too. My mom was married to him for 18 years and had 8 children with him. When they got divorced, I was never so happy and proud that my mom finally stood up for herself. My youngest siblings, who were very young at the time of the divorce are incredibly happy, well adjusted children who have a better relationship with our dad than any of us older kids. You will not be harming your child by leaving an abusive relationship.

As for the inlaws, if it came to a divorce situation, I'm assuming that you could voice your concerns about the illegal activity to a custody judge to have your son away from their home. Though I am not by any means an expert on this...

Whatever the outcome, best of luck to you and your family!

dosafyre

Things aren't perfect for us either...DH has back pain, DD1 is clingy, etc.

But if I got to the point where I didn't feel safe in my own home (and the sex issues and rough moving fall into that for me)...I'd create space (had to do it in the past, would do it again if I had to).

Also...trust. Not trusting you to be out with friends and questioning your underware choices? not good. not healthy.

It wouldn't be fun but keeping your son from unsafe environments could be established, either in or out of court. If you decide to leave, separate,, or to ask him to leave, enlist help and do it safely...just 'cause change can bring up emotions and you've already said he has anger issues.

KateLouise

Was this behaviour completely new after you had your children or, in hindsight, can you see the beginnings of some of it?

I ask, not because it's an excuse, but maybe there's something going on for your DH either within his mental health or something else has triggered his behaviour. 

Either way you need to keep yourself safe. I would seek legal advice in regards to custody, and find yourself somewhere safe to stay. then if you want to pursue a relationship with your husband after some serious counselling you can do it from a position of safety and with a clear head.

Having divorced parents can be hard on kids, but living in a volatile angry household has to be worse. If you are in a safe place and happy in your home then you can give so much more to your kids.

Take care. 

Emerald27

PP's suggestions of finding a safe place, seeking legal counsel, and separation while your DH receives treatment/counseling and while you work things out, are all excellent. The trust issue is so crucial.

I don't have much at add except that my father emotionally abused my mom, and she left him when I was 2. I did have contact with my father throughout my childhood, but she was able to have full custody. I am SO grateful to her for having the courage to raise me on her own, as scary as that is, and for the many sacrifices she made for my well being.

I wish you the very best. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

sadsadie

Your post is full of so many red flags, I can't even begin to stress to you how important it is that you get out now. This is not a situation that is likely to get better, and isn't something you can fix. Take your son and leave. No court in the land is going to award your husband 50% custody if you can clearly show he was abusive (and it sounds like you have plenty of witnesses). 

msh1234

Thanks ladies.  I think my current game plan is to get into counseling myself, and then perhaps move in the direction of separation while he gets help, with the hope that we can work things out.  I am still very nervous about giving up a level of control over DS, so I think if he has a hope of working it out, he won't do anything stupid in regards to MILs house.  And in the mean time DS and I will no longer be living in an unsafe situation.  I just need to figure out the way in which to go about all of this....  I feel so lost and scared.

shaindelr

Someone from another board asked me to come over here and write to you because I've been very open about my previous marriage which was horribly abusive. I'm not trying to burst your bubble, but you need to get out of this relationship. True abusers might start going to counseling to keep you longer, but it's really part of their game. They'll start using whatever the counselor tells them against *you* and using it as emotional abuse.

Your husband is also sexually abusing you. He's not trying to engage in sex as an activity you both enjoy, etc. He's using you as a "tool" and as a way to control you -- showing you he's stronger, that he doesn't care if you're in pain, if he's depriving you of sleep, comfort, etc.

Some sources you might want to look at are:

https://www.drirene.com/control.htm

https://www.verbalabuse.com/

This book probably actually saved my life: https://www.verbalabuse.com/page2/page16/page16.html

https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

And here is a workbook for healing once you're out:

https://www.amazon.com/Its-My-Life-Now-Relationship/dp/0415953251/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1353197851&sr=1-1&keywords=it%27s+my+life+now+starting+over+after+an+abusive+relationship+or+domestic+violence+2nd+edition

Most abusers *can't* change. They're sociopaths or narcisissts, and this system works for them and will keep working for them. They'll try to abuse you until you're what they want (which will never happen because no woman is perfect enough), and it will be easier for them to just get someone else to abuse than to actually change themselves.

The woman who helped me LEAVE my ex-husband years ago just sent me a text today that she thinks she's finally broken up with him for the last time. She helped me leave him because he was abusive to me, and then she got manipulated into his web, and she's been trying to get away for years now.

Document *everything* your husband is doing to you. Get counseling. Get a plan together, and get strong enough to leave him. Try to control custody as much as posslbe because what your son is learning from him now is how to be an abuser too. If you had a daughter, she would be learning how to be a victim.

 I'm so, so sorry this is happening to you! And if I sound harsh, I'm sorry, but it took me years to get away from my ex, and I hate seeing someone else suffering the same way.

Big hugs to you!

 

BuckeyeBride200

I would like to echo those who are urging you to leave. You are being abused. I know you fear losing control of your DS. First, I want to gently point out that you already are. Your son is witnessing abusive behavior. Your husband could also start abusing and manipulating your DS. Second, if you tell the judge about the illegal activity going on, he is not going to allow your son to visit your MIL. Could your H break the court order? Yes, but then you tell the judge, and your H's rights are taken away. Without going into too much detail, I can tell you that I'm speaking from personal experience. Take your son and leave. Please.

boogerbearoriginal

Ditto PP. This man is abusing you, and I would argue that forcing you to have sex especially while you are impaired with sedatives/painkillers is rape. This is not how a man treats a woman, any woman, but especially one he is supposed to love. This is not the example you want for your son on how women should be treated.

I highly recommend you seek legal counsel, separate from H, and seek counseling for yourself. 

You seem to think you have control over your LO and are worried about losing that, but if your H is questioning your underwear and searching through your phone/etc then I cannot help but think eventually he will simply say, I'm taking LO to MILs and ignore you saying no.

You can seek full custody of your son and only allow H visitation, and have the court order LO not be allowed at ILs. So please, don't let worries about what-ifs keep you in a situation that is dangerous. In my experience, it's only a matter of time before this verbal/emotional abuse escalates into full-out physical abuse of you, and most likely your son. 

BuckeyeBride200

BoogerBear:

Ditto PP. This man is abusing you, and I would argue that forcing you to have sex especially while you are impaired with sedatives/painkillers is rape. This is not how a man treats a woman, any woman, but especially one he is supposed to love. This is not the example you want for your son on how women should be treated.I highly recommend you seek legal counsel, separate from H, and seek counseling for yourself.nbsp; You seem to think you have control over your LO and are worried about losing that, but if your H is questioning your underwear and searching through your phone/etc then I cannot help but think eventually he will simply say, I'm taking LO to MILs and ignore you saying no.You can seek full custody of your son and only allow H visitation, and have the court order LO not be allowed at ILs. So please, don't let worries about whatifs keep you in a situation that is dangerous. In my experience, it's only a matter of time before this verbal/emotional abuse escalates into fullout physical abuse of you, and most likely your son.nbsp;

Ditto. Please keep us posted. We're all thinking of you and praying for you!