Mother of daughters. Telling them they're pretty/beautiful?

KateLouise

I grew up with a family where you don't tell people they're pretty too often because they might think they're too beautiful. The other day I was telling DD1 she's beautiful and Mum started up with, "you don't want her to think she's too beautiful"

When I questioned her with, "why not" it turns out that Mum thinks that you don't want your kids to think that beauty is all that matters or that they're better than anyone else because they're beautiful, and I see her point. However, I grew up feeling very unpretty.

So I guess I want my kids to feel beautiful, AND like they're good people/smart/sporty or whatever their strengths are. I want them to know that inner beauty is most important but I don't see anything wrong with feeling physically beautiful. To my mind, me feeling beautiful in no way diminishes anyone else's beauty. We can all be beautiful together.

So what are your thoughts on how you talk to your kids on their appearances, or how you give compliments, and how that might affect their long term self-esteem?

And to add to the conversation I came across this article which I quite like. https://offbeatmama.com/2012/11/telling-daughters-im-beautiful 

HattieLove

My plan is just to say it less than other compliments. I want her to know that she is beautiful, but I don't want her to think that being pretty/beautiful is more important that her other qualities. 

Kaeldrasmommy

I don't really think about it a lot, but I tell her that's she's beautiful all the time. I think I would rather she learn that her actions are beautiful, and I tend to tell her more when she's being nice.

mandilouwho

I think you tell them they look nice/pretty/ you like their outfit when it's true. And teach them to say thank you. You tell them they are good smart etc and speak positive words over them. They need this love from parents. 

grangerize

I have an infant daughter, so don't have experience first hand with my own child, but I do have a 12 yo sister. With my sister, I always try to concentrate on other qualities when speaking of other girls... Such as being friendly, kind, smart, etc. I tell her that she's pretty and compliment her on her clothes, look, etc, but, again, try to focus more attention on other attributes. I think its hard for her age group to not be focused on looks because of clothing trends. It is difficult to see her attracted to glitzy, cheap clothing, ala the tween store Justice, and I try to steer her towards clothing that is more simple and tasteful that she can subtly add her own personality to. Needless to say, she doesnt always listen to my opinion and I'm not her mother...

Bottom line is I think its important that she feels confident and receives adequate compliments on her looks, but knows that there are other qualities that are more important. Being a nice person and kind is much more important than having gorgeous hair.

EmilyStL

I tell my DD she's pretty/beautiful regularly, or that she looks cute if she does.  I also give her lots of other compliments that do not have to do with appearance.  My opinion is that it's not an issue unless those are the only types of positive comments you're giving your daughter.  As women, I think we're all pretty cognizant of the societal pressure on us to look a certain way, and most of us are aware of wanting to minimize that pressure as much as we can for our daughters.  That said, I don't think it's realistic to never or rarely tell her she's pretty or beautiful or cute or whatever.

sadsadie

I'd say focus more on praising her for her abilities and actions. Don't focus on her looks; that's how women become socialized to see their self-worth as tied up in their appearance and sexual desireability. 

LadyAph

I don't think this is just an issue for girls anymore.  I have an 11 month old and random people stop us while we're out and tell me how beautiful he is.  Now I totally agree but DH worries that he'll be the handsome popular kid that will shirk school because he can get other people to do stuff for him.

I think it's our job as parents to help our children accept themselves for who they are and that everyone is beautiful in their own way (can you tell I never thought I was traditionally beautiful). 

As for strangers saying girls are cute, I say it about any kid that I'm introduced too.  If I don't know the kid personally it's a way to be generically nice. 

TiffanyBerry

I think it's something to tell them - heck, possibly even more than "you're smart", because that was is researched to actually cause kids to NOT try as hard and give up more easily.  But, like everything, not something to overemphasize or make a big deal of.

Honestly, I think effort/perseverance and inner feelings/confidence are the more important things to compliment/praise.

KateLouise

I agree it's not just about girls anymore. 

I've also read some of Alfie Cohn's ideas on praise. I like some of his ideas, but not all of them. In that, if I really like my daughter's picture I'm going to tell her. I don't want to restrict my own genuine enthusiasm. But I do like being specific about what I like eg. the colours or the detail on the face or what have you.

I also like the idea of praising hardwork andindustry rather than being "smart" or the end result.

Thanks ladies for all your feedback. I'm starting to think that maybe I'm a bit messed up in the head. Lots to think about. I'm sure I'll boost up and mess up my children in equal measure over the years ;-) 

 

Jenilyn and Matthew

I always tell DD she's beautiful, or gorgeous. Especially when she's playing dress up and is trying to "be pretty" with her tutus and wearing my shoes. I want her to know that I think she's beautiful/smart/precious. I do, however, avoid telling her she's getting something because "she's so pretty" to avoid her feeling entitled. I hate hearing people say "Here's a cookie because you're so pretty". I think that those kinds of phrases are what can cause problems of entitlement.

Bride-hilda

I think the problem with the word "beautiful" is that like "good job" it's too general of a compliment. "You have such pretty eyes!" is more specific, as is, "I love that you cleaned up your socks without me having to ask you first." 

xiheartbettiepagex

I tell my daughter she is beautiful everyday.

I grew up without hearing it

I want her to hear it. We also didnt say I love you very often.

I tell her that everyday too.

I tell her everyday she is smart, beautiful, wonderful and loved.

So far she doesnt seem too full of herself.

But I am also not only saying it at certain times. If she has pasta all over her face I tell her "Awe look at my pretty girl. You must have had a good lunch."

I dont see a problem with hearing it. I want her to know she is beautiful before she starts school because kids can be jerks. 

notkateanymore

I'm a lurker, but I have an 8 year old daughter, so I have some experience with this. I tell her she's beautiful, but I also tell her she's smart, kind, funny and the most perfect daughter I could have. I tell her all of this because it's all true. Being pretty is OK and nothing to be ashamed of, just like being smart is something to be proud of.