Update on smoking

kujayhawkgirl

My mom sent me this article about controlling people in our lives. I am just beside myself. She's blaming MH for being controlling and demanding about this. WTH, she's doing everything she can to not take responsibility for this and realize this is about Abby's health. This has pushed me over the edge.

CMonkey515

Oh boy. I'm sorry KU. She's definitely not being very mature about this. I suggest that you send her an article on the effects of third hand smoke, and tell her that this isn't about any of the adults in the situation or their feelings. It's about Abbys health and well being. Period. If she can't make a few changes for the health of her grandchild that doesn't say much about her priorities. You haven't asked her to quit. I hope she comes to her senses before too much damage is done to your relationship with her.

Liz4444

Wow, she's got nerve, I'm sorry.  You only have time to deal with one child in your life and she isn't it.  I would tell her it's time to grow up.

kujayhawkgirl

We have already sent them links in the past with articles about third-hand smoke.

I've already drafted a lengthy e-mail basically telling her that this isn't about MH getting what he wants or her smoking, this is about Abby's health, period, end of story. Except I wasn't that nice about it. I made my point clear several times and in several different ways. I haven't sent it yet, but likely will by lunch time when I have time to think about this more.

anasazi17

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.  It's so hard for me to understand when family chooses to continue old ways rather than to do something to improve not only their lives but the lives of others.  

cantalopes24

lisajay09:

Oh, crap. That's not what I was hoping to hear. I'm so sorry. That's really tough. I ha a feeling the email your DH sent would not go over too well. Just awful. I'm not sure what I would do but I would be pretty upset if my mom responded that way. I never promote cutting ties, even for a short while, but in your case I think maybe a sit down with just you and your mom, no DH involved, as it appears your mom has some concerns about him, and lay it all out for her. Think about exactly what you want her to do. Be specific and tell her to sit on what you say for a week. Don't call her. Don't talk to her. Then see what her response is. From what you're saying, your mom seems to have a big problem with your DH and your relationship. Maybe you need to reassure her that you're fine and stand up for your marriage. Remember you're her child and her first instincts are to make sure you are ok. Sometimes our moms need to be reminded that we're adults. I don't know....I'm kind of rambling but I think if you're explicit in what you want, and make it CLEAR that its what YOU want and not just your DH, and then tell her that if she doesn't make a clear attempt to show you that she respects you an Abby, there will be consequences and her time with you and Abby will be limited. I'm sorry for all this. Sucks

This. I really think her sending that article is a relationship issue and not a smoking issue. I would try to think about what is acceptable to you in regards to the smoking like if you want her to not smoke all together, if you think her wearing a coat and then washing her hands will be ok, and telling her that is what you expect and she needs to decide what she wants to do with that information.

 

kujayhawkgirl

lisajay09:

Oh, crap. That's not what I was hoping to hear. I'm so sorry. That's really tough. I ha a feeling the email your DH sent would not go over too well. Just awful. I'm not sure what I would do but I would be pretty upset if my mom responded that way. I never promote cutting ties, even for a short while, but in your case I think maybe a sit down with just you and your mom, no DH involved, as it appears your mom has some concerns about him, and lay it all out for her. Think about exactly what you want her to do. Be specific and tell her to sit on what you say for a week. Don't call her. Don't talk to her. Then see what her response is. From what you're saying, your mom seems to have a big problem with your DH and your relationship. Maybe you need to reassure her that you're fine and stand up for your marriage. Remember you're her child and her first instincts are to make sure you are ok. Sometimes our moms need to be reminded that we're adults. I don't know....I'm kind of rambling but I think if you're explicit in what you want, and make it CLEAR that its what YOU want and not just your DH, and then tell her that if she doesn't make a clear attempt to show you that she respects you an Abby, there will be consequences and her time with you and Abby will be limited. I'm sorry for all this. Sucks

Can I give lisa some (((hugs))))??? )

Unfortunately, I've had 2-3 big conversations with my parents about my relationship with DH -- it all started with us having a Catholic wedding when my family is Chrisitian, but no church-going. Anyways, long story short, I want to have this conversation with my parents and MH and I all together, to prove that MH and I are a united front. Does that make sense?

Fianschneid

kujayhawkgirl:

We have already sent them links in the past with articles about third-hand smoke.

I've already drafted a lengthy e-mail basically telling her that this isn't about MH getting what he wants or her smoking, this is about Abby's health, period, end of story. Except I wasn't that nice about it. I made my point clear several times and in several different ways. I haven't sent it yet, but likely will by lunch time when I have time to think about this more.

Good for you. Your daughter is your number one priority, now - not your mom's delicate feelings.

Are you going to spend time with your parents over Thanksgiving or is there going to be time for everyone to calm down a bit before you see them again?

sharksfan

I'm really sorry you have to deal with this, KU, it is a truly crappy situation. My unsolicited advice, though, is to hold off on sending that email. I think you should definitely say your piece, but I think it should be done in person (or at least over the phone). Emails back and forth never go well in my experience. If you want to resolve this issue with her and have a real relationship with her, I think you might have better luck if you talked it out rather than wrote back and forth about it. Just my two cents, but either way, don't let this stress you out!!!

kujayhawkgirl

sharksfan:

I'm really sorry you have to deal with this, KU, it is a truly crappy situation. My unsolicited advice, though, is to hold off on sending that email. I think you should definitely say your piece, but I think it should be done in person (or at least over the phone). Emails back and forth never go well in my experience. If you want to resolve this issue with her and have a real relationship with her, I think you might have better luck if you talked it out rather than wrote back and forth about it. Just my two cents, but either way, don't let this stress you out!!!

My mom said in her e-mail that she wanted to talk and in my draft, I also said I hope we can talk on the phone more tonight. I agree that things need to not only be said in e-mail, but need to be followed up in-person/on the phone.

btsrc5

I am so sorry you are going through this.  I hope that your mom realizes that this is about Abby and makes some changes.  ( hugs)

BeesMomma00

kujayhawkgirl:

Can I give lisa some (((hugs))))??? )

Unfortunately, I've had 2-3 big conversations with my parents about my relationship with DH -- it all started with us having a Catholic wedding when my family is Chrisitian, but no church-going. Anyways, long story short, I want to have this conversation with my parents and MH and I all together, to prove that MH and I are a united front. Does that make sense?

Kujay...  As I was reading your OP I definitely felt that your mom is (rightfully or not) trying to deflect the issue from her and get on you about your husband.  Whether you agree or not, she has issues with your husband.  In my humble opinion, I think you should take the smoking issue off the table and have a general discussion - together - about what's going on.  I get the feeling you will need to convince your mother that you are not being controlled by DH before you could get her on board with ANY suggestion to stop smoking.  As long as she thinks it HIM and you just following along, you won't get anywhere. 

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

kujayhawkgirl

lisajay09:

It does make sense. But, can your mom be completely candid if DH is with you? And can you? I think this is a get it all out type of situation. And if your mom has such issues with your DH she just may be on the defensive and irriatated an that won't put her in the frame of mind to really listen and be accepting of what you're saying. You can be 100 percent supportive of your DH and present yourselves as a united front without his presence. You might get a better result that way. I don't know...you know your mom and the dynamics. Either way, you need to be proactive about solving this problem and getting the results that you and DH want. What a lousy time for all of this to be happening with the holidays and all. I hope it can be resolved soon and you all can have a peaceful and happy holiday, for everyone's sake.

Thank you for those rationales. I'll have to think a little bit more about what I think is going to be the best way to handle talking to her in-person.

cantalopes24

lisajay09:

 It does make sense. But, can your mom be completely candid if DH is with you? And can you? I think this is a get it all out type of situation. And if your mom has such issues with your DH she just may be on the defensive and irriatated an that won't put her in the frame of mind to really listen and be accepting of what you're saying. You can be 100 percent supportive of your DH and present yourselves as a united front without his presence. You might get a better result that way. I don't know...you know your mom and the dynamics. Either way, you need to be proactive about solving this problem and getting the results that you and DH want. What a lousy time for all of this to be happening with the holidays and all. I hope it can be resolved soon and you all can have a peaceful and happy holiday, for everyone's sake.

I actually think not bringing YH will work better because if he's there she's just going to assume you're taking his side because he is there. If you're alone it will look like it's coming from you. 

pearblossom

Oh, Kujay. I'm so sorry. You seem like you are in the best place you can be in such a crappy situation. I'm confident that you are on the right path. I really hope your mom comes around.

shediva1

I hope things turn around soon for you guys, sorry she took it to a whole new direction.

mrsgabus

Im so sorry, Your mom is not being very mature about the situation. 

I agree with Lopes, I think you should do the talk without DH, It shows that You are on his side but It is your wishes as well 

PurpleDrewbie5

kujayhawkgirl:

Unfortunately, I've had 2-3 big conversations with my parents about my relationship with DH -- it all started with us having a Catholic wedding when my family is Chrisitian, but no church-going. Anyways, long story short, I want to have this conversation with my parents and MH and I all together, to prove that MH and I are a united front. Does that make sense?

I agree with you. IMO a united front is the best approach. Even though I haven't had to deal with this exact issue with my mother, I have had to deal with others. My mother can be very manipulative and defensive. When I have had to talk to her about things having H with me has always been best. She needs to know that we are BOTH in agreement. I understand the perspective about talking to her alone but I disagree. You are both responsible for Abby. This is about Abby, this is not about your Mom or your H, it is about doing the best thing for your daughter. The best thing is for your mom to abstain from smoking when she's around you all. She needs to suck it up, deal with it and STOP blaming your H or you or anybody else.

aliciaroset

I'm such an ahole but my first reaction is to ignore her

If she asks to see your DD you should repeat your expectations, but I wouldn't engage her in this, frankly. There's no negotiation. It doesn't matter if she likes it or not, feels controlled or not, that's how it's going to be. Period. 

PurpleDrewbie5

aliciaroset:

I'm such an ahole but my first reaction is to ignore her

If she asks to see your DD you should repeat your expectations, but I wouldn't engage her in this, frankly. There's no negotiation. It doesn't matter if she likes it or not, feels controlled or not, that's how it's going to be. Period. 

This is a good point. I do think you should give it one more try and talk to her but tell her this. Exactly the bolded.

vitan

I am so sorry you're going through this.But feel your pain. I was in your shoes a few months ago between my dad and husband. It was awful. I was fighting with my dad and fighting with DH. It was a big wake up call for me that my dad isn't the man in my life anymore: DH is. My dad said some mean things about DH and DH was forbidding him to see my daughter.
Needless to say, after both let the steam settle and I let each know their place in my life, things are fine once again. There are rules that everyone has to follow even my own dad because at the end of the day, your family is DH, Abby and little scooter. It will get better but it will be tough for awhile. Stand your ground even when it's tough. Both your husband and family will respect you for it.
As for the article, she's pissed. Let her be pissed. A pissed off mom is better than your child ill. Hugs.

joolz17

KU, that is a really disappointing reaction from your mom. I'm sorry.

There's been lots of good advice and I see both sides of the bring your husband/don't bring your husband debate. I would do whatever you think will make your mom the most likely to actually listen. It sounds like that would be without your husband.

I agree with lisajay that you can definitely be united with your husband even if he isn't there. It's about supporting what he said in the email (and what you say in yours, obvs), and setting the boundaries for when she is/is not able to see Abby.

Seriously, so stressful, I don't envy you.

kujayhawkgirl

Email is sent. At the end of it, I told her I hope we could talk over the phone tonight after Abby goes to bed. At least this will give MH and I some time to figure out what our "rules" are going to bed. I will probably talk to her myself, without MH on speaker phone. I am going to be clear and exact. If she doesn't understand after this conversation or follow our "rules," I guess that's it.

mamaZbo

It stinks you have to deal with this. I hope you can all work it out tonight. Hopefully she sent that email as an initial reaction to feeling ganged up on, but after mulling over what you said, what your DH said and how she responded, she will be more reasonable and realize that it isn't about her, but about Abby. Good luck.

Scramblersmom

I can not really add anything that PP haven't already said. I am just so sorry that she is being this way about the topic.

Although she has taken an immature stance, it may be good to wait a couple of days for her to cool off, then re-approach the topic with her and without DH. You could also just talk to her tonight then wait a few days for it to sink in to her mind that this is not about YH but about Abby's health. This is really horrible that she is responding in this way. It may be that she feels like she is being attacked and now she is trying to defend herself. Hopefully she will come to her senses soon and see that this is all about her Granddaughter's well being and not about picking a fight with Gma just for sh*ts and giggles.

I definitely think you need to remove DH out of the equation for awhile and handle this directly with your Mom. I think having DH involved in this point is just a distraction and a good person to point the finger at. 

I am sending 1000 hugs to you. I will keep you in my T&Ps that things will work out. It would be a shame for Abby to lose her Gma in order to maintain her health and hopefully it will not come to that.