:( Can't believe this is the ending

KAC611

I never would have believed that this would have been the ending.  I had a perfect pregnancy and went into labor on October 21, 10 days before my due date.  When we got to the hospital, I was almost 5 cms and his heartbeat was a strong 140.  The pain started to intensify in my back and it became almost unbearable.  I got restless laying in bed and got up to use the bathroom.  When I sat down, I thought my water broke but when I stood up, the toilet was full of blood.  I got back to the bed and when they put the monitors on, the nurse could not find a heartbeat.  When she checked me, my husband and I could tell something was not right.  I was 10 cms and they started yelling for me to start pushing.  I pushed for about 5 minutes and I delivered an 8 lb beautiful baby boy but then my world was turned upside down.

They rushed him away from us and started working on him.  We waited to hear that first cry, but it never came.  After about 45 minutes of working on him, there was a heartbeat and they took him to the nursery.  He had to be life flighted to a NICU, 2 hours from our home, but we remained positive.  When they had him ready to go, a doctor that was on the flight came into the room and closed the door behind her.  I had no idea the news we were about to receive but it was the worst case scenario.  She explained that my placenta abrupted and his blood flow was compromised.  He lost an excessive amount of blood and his organs started to shut down, only his brain and heart were supplied.  She was not optimistic but would try everything.  The hospital discharged me 3 hours after delivery so my husband and I could follow him to the NICU.

When we got there, we were met by his doctor who informed us of the absolute worst case.  His brain was started to display signs of distress and seizure activity and they could not get him to stop bleeding, Our little angel was fighting so hard to recover, but his body was not cooperating.  We talked about our options and decided to end all care to allow him to pass peacefully since there was no way for him to live a life without a machine to help him breathe.  My husband and I thought we would only have minutes but our little fighter lived for 8 hours without any type of life saving device. For those 8 hours, we were a family.  We held him like a normal baby and laid with him as he breathed such delicate breaths.  He passed peacefully in our arms.  This is has been the most painful thing I could have ever imagined.  We are still trying to process how this could have happened and where we go from here.

meli1025

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby boy and sorry that you are yet another loss mom that has to join us.  I know how unfair it all feels, we are all here for you. 

littleusfamily

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet boy.

jbranden12

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby boy. We all understand the shock and unbelievable pain that comes when what is supposed to be such a joyous day brings such sadness and heartbreak. This board is full of amazing mothers and I hope you can find some comfort and support here. I am sorry to welcome you to our group.

lolee465

There are no words to describe how sorry I am for the loss of your sweet baby boy. I just want you to know that you're not alone in this, we know what you're going through and will be here for you. It's a horrible road that we travel and I don't wish this pain on my worst enemy.:( ((hugs))

Bayberry12

I am so sorry to have to welcome you here.  Please know that you are not alone, we are all here for you.

buggirl72

I am so, so sorry for the loss for your sweet boy. Thank you for sharing his birth story with us.  ((((hugs))))

EcoStreet

We know and feel the pain you have.

I thought that I'm alone in this and felt shocked and lost in the beginning. I'm still in incredible pain ( a month later) but I know that other women have been through the same pain. We need to be strong and despite of what we went through we are still alive. Love is keeps me going on. Love of life, love of people around me. I do not have my innocence now and I don?t believe anymore that life is fair, but I guess that what life is. It had a happy side but a very sad side as well. We have to go through this journey.

Cincy/Toronto

Wow...our stories are eerily similar and made me cry so much for our babies when I read it. I can empathize with so many things that I'm sure you are feeling now, or will be feeling soon due to the suddenness of it all. Going though it is very traumatic...actually hearing that your baby is dead, will not survive or any of the ways we have all had this news delivered to us, is a traumatic experience. I remember that I kept thinking it's 2012, medicine has come so far, how can my baby have died after a perfectly normal pregnancy? I remember wanting time to stop when we had the time with her. Not only because I wanted it to last as long as possible, but because we couldn't process all the things at once. I Wanted to experience her, truly take all of her in and I felt like there were ten thousand other things that kept running through my mind at the same time.

I can't welcome you to a club that nobody wants to be a member of. All I can say is that I am so deeply sorry you are one of us and if you ever want to talk I am here. My loss was less than a month before yours.

 

fluttergirlmoonchild79

I'm so sorry to hear about your son.  Did you name him?  We hate to have to welcome anyone here but know you're among wonderful women who are here to support you in any way you need it and we all unfortunately understand.   Wishing you peace and love.

racheldj423

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your sweet son.  Your story is very similar to mine.  On October 14, my water broke (13 days before the due date).  About an hour later, I went to the bathroom and experienced extreme bleeding.  We rushed to the hospital, where my baby Isaac was born via emergency c-section at 2:47 am.  He was born with no heartbeat.  After 23 minutes of working on him, they were able to get a heartbeat.  They flew him down to NICU about an hour and a half away.  I didn't get to see him again until the next afternoon.  He was hooked up to so many things...basically nothing in his body worked.  He had lost 75% of his blood, had no brain activity and none of his organs were working.  His fluid was building up so much that he had gained two pounds from it.  His whole body was swelling up so much.  We also had to decide to finally end support.  We were able to hold him for a short time, while he passed in our arms. 

I'm not trying to say that I know exactly how you feel, because every story and everyone is different.  But I do know that losing a perfectly healthy baby boy SUCKS.  NOTHING and no other baby could every replace my sweet Isaac.  It's so hard to even know what to say or do or feel right now.  I've been reading some books that have been pretty helpful to get through this.  I recommend reading "I will Carry You" by Angie Smith.  Although her story is a little different (she was told her baby was not compatible with life, but decided to carry her to 30 weeks anyways), she is a great inspiration to me.

I will keep you in my prayers. 

starburst0928

I'm so sorry for your loss! It absolutely sucks for all us to have to go through this. There are a handful of ways we all lost our babies, but we're all going through the same grief. I hope we on this board can help you out. Talking with loss moms or about our babies is very therapeutic!

Sweet&Salty11

I am so very sorry that you have lost your son. I cried while reading your story. Our experiences are somewhat similar as I too lost a son at 37 weeks this past August. Nothing we could see coming and we still don't have any answers. It seems like such a senseless thing that we have all gone through.

 Even nearly 3 months out, I still have days where I wake up and can't believe that this has actually happened. I understand the emotions you are feeling and have run the gamut of sad to angry to guilty. All are normal, all are necessary and all truly get better over time. I hope you have a good support network in real life and hope you'll lean on the ladies here who are wonderful. 

tuscanbride2007

I am so sorry for the loss your sweet baby boy. I hope that you find comfort here among these amazing ladies.

(hugs) 

Bread09

I'm so sorry for your loss.  What is your baby's name? We had a very different situation, but we did choose compassionate care once we knew our daughter wasn't going to survive and she too passed peacefully in loving arms.  It's something that I wish no one else had to expereince because it did bring some comfort to know she was no longer suffering, but it's so very, very hard.  I wish you much peace.  The ladies on this board are amazing!

KAC611

Thanks to all of you for the outpouring of support and love.  Our son's name is Killian Allen.  We chose that name because it means "small, but mighty."  I don't think we could have picked a better name for our little man because he fought so hard. 

I appreciate all of the kind words and although no one would ever choose to be part of this club, it is reassuring to know there are people out there who support and offer help.  God bless each of you and your own angels. 

knmessner

I am so sorry for your loss, you and husband are in my thoughts and prayer.  Please take care of yourself.

knanz01

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby boy.  I lost my son Ryan shortly after his birth in July.  It breaks my heart that any of us have to go through this. It is the absolute hardest thing in the world. It is so unfair. Hugs xxx

ally2011

I am so sorry for the loss of your son.  In the beginning it is very surreal....no one ever, ever imagines they will wind up here with a story like this.  I am over a year out and still can't believe it some days.  

Be kind to yourself and realize that the grief journey is long and painful....but there is hope.  We are all here for you.

Some books that helped me were Grieving the Child I Never Knew, Empty Cradle, Broken Heart, The One Year Book of Hope and Good Grief by Westberg.

Again, I am just so sorry, I know you are in a fog right now, but post here as much as you need.

Hugs,

Jenn