We've been shown 12 times in the last 4 months and still nothing. We got notice about another situation today and it is a great situation for us....except down at the very bottom it says 4 picture/letter updates a year and one Birth Parent wants annual visits while the other isn't sure.
My husband is WAY skeptical about visits. He says he (a) doesn't want to share a baby, he wants it to be ours; (b) he thinks 4 updates plus visits is a lot to ask, especially since we are not close to the state the Birth Parents are in, and (c) he hates the fact that "these people are telling us how to spend our money," meaning he feels like they won't have to spend anything at all and we're spending a chunk of change to adopt and then we're required to fly our family across the US yearly for the next 18 years to spend a couple of hours with one or maybe both Birth Parents.
Now, I get that he has reservations. But he has reservations about every situation. I'm starting to feel like I'm being held hostage in some crazy game of his. Plus, I'm not sure that the perfect baby from the perfect birth family, a family who wants absolutely no contact ever, is healthy, and has never smoked, drank, taken drugs, etc., will ever appear.
We've been waiting almost a year. We've connected with a consultant and 6 agencies. We've talked about what we want, whether we can compromise our desires, whether we can contribute more money, etc. I'm at my freaking wits end. Our friends have had their babies and are now watching their kids go off to school and here we sit looking at 40 and wondering what the hell happened?
I know I've posted on this board plenty of times about waiting, keeping the faith, God has a plan, etc. But today, I'm really flipping angry. I'm angry that people are having babies and putting them in cages (see the news), I'm angry that my own friends have moved on from parenting babies to parenting school-aged kids and we have none. And I'm angry that my husband thinks it is too much for a Birth Parent to ask to want updates and a visit.
I'M FLIPPING ANGRY AT THE WORLD. How did we end up drawing the darn short straw???
(Thanks for letting me vent.)
Re: Frustrated...no...Angry is the right word
Vent away. It must be so, so hard.
I have to ask, why do YOU always have to be the ones to travel? Could you meet halfway? Have the BPs come to you sometimes? Would this agreement be set in stone? Or do you think this is more their way of trying to find someone more local?
Oh yeah, I agree with Dr.L. Ask them to meet you somewhere? You have to also remember that a lot of BP's won't follow through with visits..... It's hard to find a "perfect" situation where everything seems just right for your family. Maybe ask your hubby to stretch his boundries a little bit?
Adoption is hard!!!!!!! But it'll all be worth it as soon as your sweet little bundle is home with you!
I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. I would be pretty frustrated too. Is your DH looking for a perfect situation or is it really the distance that is making him not okay with this one? If it's just distance like PPs said maybe you could compromise on location of visits.
if it's that he's looking for the perfect situation then he might need to speak with your agency or a counselor about his expectations. I haven't gone through DIA but 4 updates per year doesn't seem extreme. Is it just a written update and pictures? I can definitely see why an EM would request that.
The thing is even with his high expectations I really do think that someday you will find your child, it might just take a little longer. (( Hugs ))
Thanks y'all. His opposition is just the visits in general. I've suggested offering to negotiate the visits in terms of when and where, but his opposition truly lies with the fact that he feels the child won't be his if we have to keep connected to the birth parents, especially if we have to visit.
The birth parents are together and already have 2 little ones, plus one parent wants the visits and one parent is unsure about having them at all. I think we have some wiggle room to negotiate, like I said. Just have to get my guy on board first.
ARGH!
Vent away. The wait and the unpredictable nature is tough.
Your frustration sounds normal. I know I was the one in our family that was pushing more... trying to make the square peg fit into the round hole.
A couple of thoughts--
1- It's important to honor your husband and his feelings. That said, it's also important to encourage him to seek real life examples of what an adoptive family may look like, including visits, etc. His frustration and fear may come from not having a community like this to experience what it can look like for other families. Make sense?
2- His feelings about birth mom relations concerns me. I think it's a process, esp for men, but adoption is at it's best IMO when all parties acknowledge and appreciate the truth of our relationships. Your child will need a father that doesn't hold any resentment for their first family. does that make sense? I don't mean to sound harsh or critical of your husband... I think mine was where yours was early on. Then again, I think it's easy for people, inc our husbands, to be harsh towards what they don't know. Hopefully when you meets the person that will birth your child he won't resent the stipulations she puts on the relationship. Rather, he'll see it as an extension of love.
3- The perfect situation for your family does exist. It may take more time to find it but it will find you. We waited 22 months and I sounded just like you after a year. My DD1's story isn't anything like what we imagined but it's perfect for us. Your perfect story is forming.... you may not know what turns it will take. Stay open to changes in your plan but don't compromise on what doesn't feel right for you.
Hang in there... it's so tough.
DH was very naive when it came to open-ness when we first stated all of this...I was on the VERY other end of the spectrum. We talked a lot about open-ness with our SW and the Branch Coordinator, and here is what really got to DH and had him rethinking things:
1. Most BP just want re-assurence...once their fears are calmed, they generally aren't so demanding.
2. Visits are usually 2-4 hours long, thats about 1/6 of a day at max, and a day is 1/365 of a year...more than likely, the lady at the grocery store will see your child more then the BP will. You are hardly "sharing" your child.
3. A couple updates a year is not hard AT ALL. Do you send a Christmas card/letter every year? Include BP in the list of the 30 or so you send out, and then an email or two with a picture attached shouldn't be too hard.
GL! I hope you can calm DH fears, I know this has to be frustrating for you!
6 medicated cycles, 2 pregnancies, 1 ectopic April 2011, Early Miscarriage August 2011
7 more cycles, 1 IUI, No success after last pregnancy
7/1/2012 No more fertility coverage
8/17/2012 started pursuing domestic infant adoption!
11/26/2012 HOME STUDY APPROVED!!!
When relaxing didn't work is my new blog!
My hubby and I had a huge fight last night about our conditions, too. It's so hard, when you just want to be a parent, and your partner sets up boundaries that aren't the same as the ones you'd set up.
For our part, our agency has placed half the number of infants in the past year as they normally do, but they've added the same number of waiting couples as in an average year. So there's more competition now than when we started waiting, and it feels like were no closer than we were a year ago. I've asked him to relax some of his requirements, but he's not willing to compromise. And while I understand the reasons behind them, it's still upsetting. So I can very much relate to what you're feeling. Somehow, the year mark coming up (on my birthday nonetheless, which was awesome when our profile when active, and just BLOWS this year) really drives it home.
I'm so sorry. Always feel free to vent.
I don't really know what to say, other than I think your husband should talk to some couples who have open adoptions, and adoptees. I was adopted and I don't have any confusion about who my parents are. My parents are the people who raised me, and I love and admire my birth mother, but she's not my mom. My mom is my mom.
BFP #1 10/6/2012 - EDD 6/17/2013 - M/C 10/16/2012
BFP #2 11/12/2012 - EDD 7/24/2013
after several m/c, DD#1 born 7-7-08, more m/c and failed IVF, started adoption process March 2011, matched Oct 2, 2012, DD#2 born 10-31-12
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I guess I'm confused, esp because we're in an open adoption situation with DD's BM. When you see the 2 of them together, it's very, very clear who DD's Daddy is. We visit 2x/year, each time so far has been us going to her (she lives near some of DH's family, it's usually rolled into a visit with them). Our first couple of visits were pretty awkward, but now DH and I look forward to seeing her. It's actually going to be the highlight of our Thanksgiving trip.
Is this not something that was discussed throughout the process, from your agency's side (I'm assuming you're using an agency)? We saw some birthmom videos describing their levels of openness and how the relationships are.
I might also encourage him to read some blogs where parents are in an open adoption, especially if written by dads. That may give him some perspective as well.
As the pp said, I wouldn't force him to accept something he is adamantly against, but I might do some digging to find out why this is an issue and whether it's a fear of the unknown or a legitimate fear.
GL
Answers to a couple of questions:
We are using an agency and we did discuss these issues before. He has always had this fear. Not sure why, though my best educated guess is that it is because he has no frame of reference - he doesn't articulate why at all. We have several friends who were adopted, but that was 30-40 years ago when everything was completely closed. We were not introduced to families in open adoptions from our agency, nor were we given any information other than open adoption includes sharing your information and doing visits.
RIght now we are being matched with other agencies through a consultant, and she has been helpful. I've suggested to DH that we should contact her to see if she has any families who might be willing to talk to us about their open adoption experiences, but he is not interested.
The more I research, the better I feel. He just isn't following suit and it is causing us some stress and tension. You know what they say, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. Unfortunately, the longer DH stays dug in, the longer we are without a child to love and parent.
Thank you to all of you who have posted. Your words, hugs and suggestions have been very helpful in getting me back of the ledge tonight!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
Just offering hugs, sweetie.
This sounds like quite a roller coaster.