How much slack do you give the older generation?

tarebear9891

We are leaving tomorrow morning to visit DH's 90 year old grandma. I'm slightly worried about what she might say and that I might have to scoop my kids up and leave.

In the past she has said some pretty bad things, and I used to cut her slack because of her age and it being a generational thing.Last bad thing she said: Because I am not baptized and neither are my toddlers she was worried about us going to hell. I was livid. Say what you want about me, but don't tell me my babies will go to hell because of a choice I have made not to baptize them. 

So how much slack do you give the older generation when they say outdated/offensive things?

RockyTopVols

I tell them 40 and 50 year olds to stop telling me to turn down my music.

I take no prisoners.  

ridesbuttons

At 90?  Plenty of latitude.

Hard for us to imagine living in a time where you were as likely to grow up with no indoor plumbing, there was zero tv, driving a car meant hand cranking it and actually having skills rather than pointing the steering wheel and going pressing a pedal.

Imagine the quality of public education in 1932. 

 

Libby1978

I'll admit, I'd give a 90 year old relative a lot of slack.  I don't have any relatives that old because all my grandparents died before I was 20.  Anyway, she's 90.  She is set in her ways and will probably be dead in the next few years.  If she said things I didn't agree with I'd let it go in one ear and out the other.

LuckyDad

At 90 I assume senility has sunk in. I would take the "Kill 'em with kindness" approach. "Oh, that's so sweet you're worried about us!" and skillfully change the subject. When all else fails, simply pretend not to understand their point while "agreeing" with them.

CinemaGoddess

If you make it to 90, you can say whatever the hell you want. 

CinemaGoddess

DH's 100 year old grandfather is the surliest human being I've ever met.  He has exactly 0 nice things to say about anybody and he's been pitting his children against each other for 70 years.

I kind of love him for that.  He doesn't pull any punches and he will tell you straight up if you're being an idiot. 

LuckyDad

CinemaGoddess:

If you make it to 90, you can say whatever the hell you want. 

I'm inclined to agree, but I wouldn't want an old lady dropping N*bombs or certain gay slurs around my kid for him to repeat. That's the main place I'd draw the line. But a 90 year old can say anything they want to me. I'm just gonna say "Awww... you're so cute, racist old lady!"

tarebear9891

C_mo:

H's 86 year old grandma is the meanest old bag I have ever had the displeasure of meeting. I give her no slack.

See, this is why I do cut DH's grandma some slack. As offensive as some of her comments are, they aren't mean spirited.

My best friend's MIL (in her 60's so by no means "old") told her that the reason my friend's son has autism is because of my friend's "inferior genes". If I could find this woman and punch her out, I would.

ETA: and C_mo I am so sorry she said that to you.

Libby1978

tarebear9891:

C_mo:

H's 86 year old grandma is the meanest old bag I have ever had the displeasure of meeting. I give her no slack.

See, this is why I do cut DH's grandma some slack. As offensive as some of her comments are, they aren't mean spirited.

My best friend's MIL (in her 60's so by no means "old") told her that the reason my friend's son has autism is because of my friend's "inferior genes". If I could find this woman and punch her out, I would.

ETA: and C_mo I am so sorry she said that to you.

WTF???

 

mom2pottamus

I cut them some slack.  Seriously their minds and bodies are old, they can't be feeling that great, and they aren't going to change who or what they are at this point.

In many respects they are just like your average 3 year old in that they have no filter and sometimes still pee and poop themselves.

IncognitoSuperhero

My FIL is 90 and he's very liberal and up with modern times...I guess I got lucky with this old folk!

RayRay007

Pretty much anything offensive that comes out of my grandmother's mouth just rolls off my back. I don't argue with her.

RayRay007

C_mo:

H's 86 year old grandma is the meanest old bag I have ever had the displeasure of meeting. I give her no slack. You don't get a free pass to say hurtful things (like that I wasn't worth marrying because I was adopted, and if your own mother doesn't love you then neither should anyone else) just because you've been on the earth longer than most. I give her as much respect as everyone else, but she deserves no 'slack'.

Your example = no slack. That's just mean.

OP's example = eye roll and carry on.

smerka

After my brother told my grandma that he and his wife were not having kids, she told him she hoped they got accidentally pregnant.  My brother got pretty upset.  My other grandma asked me when I was going to lose some weight.  Without thinking, I asked when she was going to gain some.  She was about 85 pounds at the time.  Old people say the darnedest things.

and the hell comments?  I totally would have been quoting Seinfeld at that point.  She wasn't wishing you ill will.  It's just a statement of fact in her world.   

kwitt22

My Grandmother has turned into a mean old bag. She is 86. I don?t let her get away with it, but everyone else in the family does and it really annoys me. She says some pretty hurtful things. She also constantly begs to babysit DD. I tell her no every time. She is just too old and cannot keep up with a 20 month old. I am just too afraid and it will never happen. In fact we all took a family trip together when DD was 5 months old. I knew there was going to be a time where we wanted to go out but it was too late, or it was too warm to bring DD to beach. I pulled my parents aside and said under no circumstances is she to be alone with DD, ever. Thank goodness they agreed.

mejane123

It depends. Did she just say that to you, or did she say it to your kids? If she said it to just you, eye roll. If she said it to your kids, that's another story and right up there with telling them there are evil monsters in their closet that will eat them at night. 

 FWIW, in the last few years of her life, my Grandmom, who died at 91, was often just miserable due to the fact that her husband, both SIL'swho she was incredibly close with, and all of her friends were dead. She had no one but her kids and grandkids, and while she loved us all, it's rough being that old and having no friends.  Between things like that, senility, loss of vision and hearing, it's hard to imagine not being curmudgeonly. Not that that excuses all behavior, but it may make it somewhat easier to understand in some cases. 

Kissimi21

It depends on the content.  My grandmother referred to people by race, not to be racist, but because that was how her generation identified people.  For example, "The Portugues family down the street...." or "That Chinaman with the little girls..."   She was even thrilled by the scandal of "a Frenchman" (my grandfather) caused by marrying "an Englishwoman" (her) within their families.  That kind of stuff was just generational, so I let it slide. 

The "you and your kids are going to hell" crap would not slide.  I'd ask her to be sure to save us a spot.