ASD and playdates

pastalady

Over the last year I distanced myself from some of my friends with children DD's age. Seeing the difference in the kids and dealing with DD's meltdowns and what I felt was judgement (but was probably just me) got to me. I love doing playdates with other ASD kids and moms because I feel they get it.

Now I am trying to ensure DD gets the socialization she needs. She will be starting a special needs preschool in January. We are meeting with the director on Monday but from what I understand she will have some typical peers, but mostly kids of all different types of special needs.

I need to get her together with typical kids. She is quite social and loves people. I just need to do this, but feel so comfortable in my group of ASD moms and kids lol! Nobody bats an eye when DD has a meltdown because I ate a carrot before my sandwich or a kid put a puzzle piece in wrong.

Is this a normal phase? Did anyone dissassociate a bit from old friends, playgroups, etc? How did you phase back in? Sometimes it's like I was in mourning and seeing the kids who were like the child I thought I was going to have hurt. Now I feel like I am 100% in love with the child I DO have and want to do what's best for her. Any advice? Maybe I am still processing everything as we just got an official diagnosis but have know for almost 2 years she had autism.

lite-bright

We keep a mix, or try to. It does seem like I'm often most comfortable with the moms of kids who also have SN; I've connected with them. But we have playdates with typical peers as well, and this year especially DD1 is gravitating more toward typical peers, and I take into consideration who she likes to play with. 

We just started putting together therapy-based playdates that I'm trying to do regularly. I extend an invitation, when the other parent responds, I tell them a little about DD1 and that she needs help with social skills. Right now we've got our Floortime therapist helping me design the playdate, and when she can, she comes to facilitate. 

I'm learning to facilitate the playdates -- it's not as casual as the maybe more "typical" playdates where the moms can talk while the kids run around, it has to be more structured and adult-involved so that my DD1 (ASD) can be successful and also is shown how to deal with some things, like uncooperative playmates. Free play is hard for her, although it's gotten significantly better this year. So we have like four different, 15-ish minute activities planned (including a participation-based snack, like making cookies) and I put all unrelated toys out of sight. The kids guide the activities to some extent, within the framework that's set up. 

So it ends up being very play-based and fun for the kids, but it's more work than just hey, let's meet up and we'll referee the kids between chatting with each other. But it fits DD1's needs and challenges her, too. 

We had our first one this week and it was great, and I'm checking back in with other parents to see if they're available to expand it to other kids/more frequency. I tend to be kind of a loner and prefer to do our own thing rather than get together for playdates, but I'm trying to fight that impulse b/c DD1 really does need the social skills practice.  

 

Rachel Sonnier

-auntie-:

pastalady:

Over the last year I distanced myself from some of my friends with children DD's age. Seeing the difference in the kids and dealing with DD's meltdowns and what I felt was judgement (but was probably just me) got to me. I love doing playdates with other ASD kids and moms because I feel they get it.

The early days post-dx are hard. A lot of families avoid those with typically developing kids in the same way infertile women avoid baby showers. It's just too hard. There probably was judgement if your child's behavior was challenging. Some of the parents of kids I know on spectrum can be judgemental, too. About moms whose kids have a different laundry list of comorbids or behaviors than their own child and especially when NT kids make bad choices later in life. Sometimes this takes the form of a mom who inserts "mild" or "high functioning" constantly when discussing her child.

Is this a normal phase? Did anyone dissassociate a bit from old friends, playgroups, etc?

It seems an almost universal approach unless the mom is drawn into a group that's hard to exit. 

I am just a lurker here, but this post makes me feel so much better about what has been going on in my life the past two months! This is exactly me, and I have felt so awful about pulling away from our close knit playgroup, friends and family. Glad to know that I am not alone. Thank you :-)

pastalady

Thanks for the replies. We had a playdate today that went awesome but the little boy was only 18 months lol! DD does great with little ones like him or older kids.

I think part of the problem too was it takes so long to get a diagnosis in Canada. So I have had one foot in each door, knowing she had ASD but hoping I was wrong. Now we can get on with it.

I am going to keep doing playdates with all kids and hopefully, like auntie said, she will find friends with similar interests as she gets older. Thanks!