BMs: Do you ever wonder...

Sigir

... How did I ever end up procreating with such a terrible, evil person? Or I guess for SMs, how your dh ended up procreating w such a terrible person?

I have not been posting about exh's most recent insane antics bc they don't really bother me anymore since I delivered and am no longer a hormonal mess. But it's been craziness over the past week... I don't get upset, because I know it's insanity, and that makes exh even madder. But this afternoon it just hit me so clearly... Why and How did I end up procreating w this person? It's not like he did not show me his crazy all along the way. What was wrong with me?????

Anyone else feel this war, or am I the only one?

PS just want to clarify that I have 0 regrets about having dc! Just dont know why I put up w the crazy for so long! Maybe the difference is that now I see what a good relationship should be.

new+tothis

Oh yes. My XH is just such an a$$hole to me. It's not like I never saw him be that way towards others - I did. I keep wondering what the heck was I thinking?!? Lol

Holly_1007

as a SM I have asked DH multiple times wtf was he thinking.. in his defense him and BM were only together a few months when her birth control "failed".

LoriLee14

MelRC117:

As a SM I don't get it either. I did stupid crap when I was young but I was never dumb enough to get pregnant with one of those idiots nor did I marry one. It just baffles me and in a way sometimes ticks me off that I was careful and not so stupid, yet I still have to deal with BS that I did my best to avoid yet I still have to deal with it  cause DH wasn't so careful. I know it was my choice and I love DH more than anything, but it is SO much harder than I thought. 

DH was 17 when BM got pregnant and it amazes me that it went on and off for 4 years before it finally ended once and for all.

 

i feel the same way and ask him if he knew about condoms. He says that she told him that she was on birth control (either she was and not taking it right or lied - we will never know). But I feel that i did right in waiting and taking precautions. We also chose to wait three years after getting married. I have had too many people get married, have a baby and then get out of marriage cause it was "too hard".  And i love my Husband no matter how frustrated i get.

AmeliaKris

DH was with BM for three months...they got pregnant while using a condom and she was on BC. If given more time...BM would have shown her true Colors to him. I am thankful for my SS and SD though.

cole2144

As a SM I think about that how DH ever found BM attractive and it`s not the outside I am talking about. They had sex and she tells him after the fact, "Oh I told you I stopped taking my birth control" uhhh first of all NO man ever forgets that a girl tells him I stopped taking BC and second why if you were in a serious relationship would you stop taking it?! She then was supposed to get plan B but never did. I would not change SD being here but way to get pregnant on purpose BM. They were never married thank God and SD was born when DH was 21 and BM was 22. Her sister and her best friend had a baby so DH figures she wanted one too.

wren444

Yes totally. As much as I needed to get away from my ex, my DH's exes are a million times worse...one is immature, self-centered, & morally corrupt while the other is the most aggressive control freak of a woman I have heard of...and he married not one, but two! He was so traumatized when I met him, having conceived a child with each less than a year into his relationship and before they were married...and divorcing both within the second year. I can maybe understand the first time (he was young) but the second? Terribly poor judgement. The worst is that they team up against him (which has its own ironies b/c they totally manipulate each other too...it's bizarre and sick.) I truly believe they both have mental illness though, which sometimes allows me to feel sorry for them, despite the horrible things they have done to DH.  

I have moments where I self-pity b/c it's way more bs than I bargained for...but most of the time I am just grateful we learned tough lessons before we met each other so we can appreciate the goodness of our healthy relationship. Our exes make our relationship a fairytale in comparison. And of course the 3 kids that came out of these failed relationships are the light of our lives!

+just+j+

No. I don't. I know why.  And I don't feel like H is evil.  Just screwed up.  I feel I am just as much at fault as he is.  I should have known this would not be a successful relationship and I denied a lot of tell tale signs.

It's called love. At one point in your life you chose to see the good and wonderful qualities and to believe in them.  And love does funny things to your head and reasoning.   There's nothing wrong with believing in someone.

But there is something wrong with repeating the same mistake. 

Kaeldrasmommy

DH says that he really wanted a family and picked the wrong mother for his first 2 children.

CurlyQ284

I haven't thought about it. BM isn't awful, they married young and it didn't work out. I do wonder why he was ever with someone so dumb though. I just shake my head sometimes but whatever.

twister22

I just shake my head and wonder what DS will think - the poor kid will have no idea how we were EVER together - we are such different people with different priorities, lifestyles, morals, values, etc.

Ginlyn0

In my case and DH's case we can both blame it on being young and not knowing any better since we both met our Ex's as teens. And we were both dumb and stayed with them for far too long (I was with my ex for 7 years and DH w/ BM for 9), but apparently it was all in the plan because we both separated around the same time and ran into each other on MySpace (LOL). So I refuse to regret any decisions I made because they all lead me back to DH whom I first met when we were infants.

PrincessFiona9

Oh ITA...I have no idea why I stayed with such a psycho. I love DD so much, but I wish I had waited and had her with SO rather than EX.

karatechrissy

My H's answer is always something along the lines of 'I was 17 and she was easy. I ignored the crazy and just stuck it in'. I know, vulgar, but he is right. He was a horny 17 yr old and despite the crazy, he was just happy to be getting some. And yes, BM has always been crazy. They dated off and on for 4 or 5 years before BM got pregnant. They were just stupid, hormonal, teens. BM just never grew out of being stupid, hormonal, or acting like a 14 year old. 

lily_721

When I think about my college boyfriend, I definately dodged a bullet.  A few months into our relationship, a paternity dispute showed him to be a baby's father.  I stuck around for awhile.  He started telling people that she was mine (ie we were a family).  Um.  No.  I made sure things like that didn't happen.  Fast forward, he has five kids (four different moms).  They live with his gf's mom and various kids.  Last I knew, he didn't have a job -- as in, never had a job.  Parents paid his way through everything.  Oh.. yeah, while latest was pg, he told me (via fb) that I was the only one he really wanted to marry.  Needless to say, we are not fb friends anymore.

As for DH, yes, I think this often.  She was always crazy.  He was very young and very stupid.  Very, very stupid.  They seperated after SS1 was born but "somehow" SS2 "magically" appeared. 

Birdy2011

I wonder all the time why DH chose to procreate with BM.  He has no good answer for why he ever married her, and he does not and can not blame it on being "young and stupid" since he was 30 when he did marry her, and she was 35.  She was (and is) a terrible, manipulative and calculating woman who saw him as an attractive, successful man who was her last chance at having children and getting a lifestyle she wanted.  She used him as a bank (money & sperm) to achieve her goals and continues to try and do so (just on the money front now though, she got the kids she wanted obviously).  He knew she didn't ever love him, and he knew it was the wrong thing to do in marrying her.  I know he doesn't regret SSs though.

Not quite the same, but I wonder all the time now that I'm expecting my own LO why I'm procreating with DH (it was not planned). I know it's quite possibly the biggest mistake of my life.  Our relationship is decent, and I do love DH, but I don't love his life before me or the choices he made & I don't love the life we have when we are dealing with BM now on an all too frequent basis.  I really regret tying myself to all of this mess when I didn't have to - I was so stupid.   It's at least somewhat positive to me that he's excited about LO on the way (I never thought that would be the case), but I don't think he'd pursue a relationship with LO the way he does with SSs if we were ever not together. 

fellesferie

I had to deal with a lot of these questions during/after my divorce. It was REALLY mindblowing for me to shift from blaming XH for cheating, being douchey, etc to focus on my part of things. 

I was young (17) when we met, young (22) when we married, and every step I took was for the wrong reasons. When we met, I'd just been through something horrible and XH seemed safe. I didn't want to be alone.

In hindsight, I don't think either of us ever really loved each other. I regret that I wasted all of my college years and most of my 20s on him. But I have DS and love the life that I have now, so it's worth it. 

I have no idea what XH's perspective is, and I would be very surprised to hear that he'd given our marriage/divorce any thought at all. Not once in 10+ years of knowing him have I ever heard him apologize or admit he was wrong about anything. So I'm sure he blames me for everything.

FutureMrsWittig

I wonder all the time what either one of them were thinking. They don't want the same kind of life.  And BM tied herself to my crazy MIL for life.  ...  Then, so did I.  So now the question becomes, what was *I* thinking....

HChad

DH and I had this conversation last night (he has a 8 yr old  DD, my SD).  We're going through some issues with his ExW.

 He begins by saying she wasn't always like this.  I try to believe that.  I really, really do.  Than, I reflect on the things she's done (mainly, leaving her husband and child to help her "friend" move from Alaska to Georgia for 3 months.  She's married to said friend now) and wonder.  But, DH's parent's split up when he was very, very young (1) and his siblings have had challenging relationships as well.  So, I call it a gene, LOL. DH has said he wasn't ready to have kids at the time SD came along, but made the best of it, than their entire world fell apart (unemployment, foreclosure, ect).  They were both well educated and over 30 yrs old at the time, so in all honest, who know?  We choose who we choose at the time and hope for the best.

najzomax

holly71087:

as a SM I have asked DH multiple times wtf was he thinking.. in his defense him and BM were only together a few months when her birth control "failed".

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