Feeling like a failure

mrshump

So my boy has been home a full four days now. He was born last Monday at 36 weeks and 2 days. Spent until Saturday in the NCCU until he was discharged. 

While he was there, I didn't get to really breast feed him. I tried, but he would sleep often and tire himself out and was losing weight and that would prolong his stay in the NICU so we started formula so we could get him off the IV and eventually move him out. I started pumping rigorously so I could actually build my milk supply. By the time he came on Saturday I was actually producing quite a bit. However, he has a hard time latching on. So I had to keep on pumping and was giving him my breast milk in bottles. As well as still trying to get him to latch.

I don't think my milk is coming out fast enough for him so he gets frustrated easily. Yesterday I broke down. I spend soooooo much time prepping my breast to pump, pumping and easing the shock of pumping (because it has been painful for me) and I realize that all the time i spend doing that, the less time I spend just enjoying him laying on me, or me staring at him or just getting other things done in between his feedings. My nipples have blisters on them. I'm exhausted from waking up feeding, changing, rocking to sleep and then pumping.

So I decided yesterday he will be formula fed.

I've read a lot of posts on here and I see a lot of mothers struggled but they kept at it but mentally I don't think I can. My husband supprts my decision which I am so happy about. I still have doubts on whether i am doing the right thing. Part of me wants to keep trying but another part of me feels like i'm no good to him emotionally if I keep up this pattern.

 

Anyway...just wanted to vent. I think I have made my decision. But there are definitely pangs of guilt behind it. I'm just wanting him to be happy and healthy and to know that i love him soooooooo much and I would move mountains for him. Typing this post is making me cry. so i'm going to stop.

 

Mrs. Alice

I'm sorry you've had a rough time with it.  BFing is no easy thing, especially as a FTM with a preemie.  People who will tell you it was easy for them are the rare exception or are forgetting the first few weeks.  I respect your decision but if you are having doubts about it, I would strongly encourage you to consider giving it just a few more weeks - at least until his EDD. A few weeks can make a big difference especially since he's not even to his EDD yet.

Have you tried working with a LC?  Is he latching on and sucking well?  My preemies needed nipple shields for a long time but it was the saving grace to keep them BFing.  For the blisters Lanolin and rubbing some expressed milk on them helps and make sure the flange is the right size for you. 

CTbride79

Don't beat yourself up!  You have made a decision that will allow you to spend more time with your son, and be a happier mom for him, which is awesome! 

My son never took to BFing from the breast without a nipple shield (and sometimes he wouldn't do it all, even with the shield), and even then he still wanted a bottle afterwards.  I pumped for 12 weeks...pumping while he was in the NICU wasn't a big deal to me, but once he came home I started going crazy and felt like all I did was pump, wash the pump, and feed him! 

Once my supply started to wane and I made it a month past his EDD, I decided to throw in the towel and switch to formula.  It was definitely the right choice for me and I was SO much happier afterwards!  I felt like I was a better, less cranky mom too.  My pediatrician reassured me that DS would be fine and just as healthy on formula...he has 2 kids, one biological who was breast fed, and one adopted who was formula fed, and they were both healthy kids! 

missgooseyface

I totally feel where you are coming from.  I have had days when I think...screw this maybe I should switch to formula.  But don't give up!  Like one of the pp's said ~ 4 days isn't that long in the grand scheme of things.  I would suggest working with an LC and possibly trying a shield to help your LO get the hang of things.  We have been BFing with a shield (and pumping after) and are currently trying to get off of it and it is frustrating for me and LO but BFing isn't easy and takes work and commitment.  You can do it!!!!  I totally respect and understand your decision, but since you are feeling guilty I think you should seek help and keep at it!  Good luck mama!

jcsntms06

I could of written this post times two.

Both my girls would never really latch on. With Annabelle I pumped for two months, hardly got any BM out and still had to supplement with formula. With Caroline she would latch and suck, sleep off and on for an hour and then I still had to supplement with formula. I felt defeated and exhausted. My hubby was very supportive with my decided to switch to formula, but I got a lot of negative comments from family member, who thought I didn't try hard enough, etc.  Caroline is now 8 months old and has been formula feed since day three and she is a happy, thriving baby. Anyway, the point of my post is that you, gotta do what makes you happy. Hang in there Mama.

Jeep Doll

You have made the best decision for yourself and your baby, so never doubt it!  BFing and pumping is so hard.  I have am EPing and making up the difference with formula and I wish I could BF but there is no time to fit that in as well.  Pumping sucks and sometimes I want to quit, too.  I think as long as whatever decision you make results in a happy mom and happy baby, that is the best.

Cara03

This may be unpopular to many, but in my experience, finally letting myself stop pumping was the best decision I made during the NICU/preemie at home stage. I pumped the entire time LO was in the NICU and tried to continue for a couple weeks once he was home and it was just torture. He would cry the whole time I pumped and I felt like I was neglecting him, etc, and my output was so, so low we needed formula anyways. I definitely had a lot of guilt with stopping, but it was truly the best decision for our family. Please know that it is OK to stop. And if you choose to stop, try really hard not to second guess yourself or let guilt eat you up. Thinking of you. GL