What are you to your MIL?

wilsontl19191

My darling MIL refers to me as "my son's wife" as opposed to her DIL and it really pisses me off.  She calls me this when she introduces me to people and she uses "son's wife" on FB as well.  Am I being overly sensitive here and need to get over myself?  What does your MIL refer to you as?

Elsa1984

She refers to me by my name while introducing the family....no other title. If people ask, she says I am SO's wife or DIL and we aren't married.

pennysuedog

Behind closed doors I am pretty sure I am the b!tch that brained washed her son. To keep the image up of a perfect family I am her darling daughter inlaw, just like my nephew is not gay, he just has not met the right girl...(I think the right girl is going to have a penis)

wilsontl19191

AA0417:

I have no idea what MIL says as I've never really noticed. I could see where it could rub someone wrong to say "my son's wife" because it doesn't show personal connection to you, but I would take it with a grain of salt if she otherwise makes you feel part of the family. Many people who might word it that way probably are just unaware of possible implications due to people using the wording negatively. If she is using YH's actual name instead of "my son", I would be inclined to think she is just making the connection to which son, if she has multiple. It may be partly context too. My dad will introduce me and MH as "my daughter and her H" though he very much likes MH and only has 1 child, making MH clearly mine and therefore it not being actually necessary to clarify. I hope that makes sense. Point is that there could be any number of reasons your MIL uses that wording, most of which are probably not meant to be negative. I would only take it personally if she otherwise acts negatively towards you.

She doesn't - at all!  And, she never did.  I think that is why it bothers me so much.  We do not have any type of relationship whatsoever and so when she refers to my as her "son's wife", it just adds salt to the wound.  I have tried so many times to have SOME type of relationship with her, and she never took the bait.

nikki2246

I am lucky if she gets my name right. Really..she has called me the wrong name several times in front of strangers and my family. So she rarely refers to me -she is a gem.

Fianschneid

I'm not really sure how she refers to me but she has never made me feel anything but welcome. My MIL had the MIL from heII and has always been really careful to be kind to ladies in her two sons' lives.

The term "son's wife" wouldn't bother me unless I knew she had a problem and was trying to be passive agressive.

sharksfan

Wow...some of you guys are making me feel a lot better about my MIL.  Mine calls me by my first name or DIL.  "My son's wife" seems very cold to me; I wouldn't like it.

shediva1

I only met her for like the 5th time this past Saturday.  She probably refers to me by her son's wife as well.  Fine by me, we barely see each other anyway.

vitan

Good question. I'm not sure how she refers to me and it would be interesting because we have a past. But of course now she's nicey nice with me becuz I hold a key: her grandchild.
It's odd she calls you that but you say your relationship ain't the best. Chalk it up to good'ol passive aggressive hubbub and move on. I'm sure someone will call her out on it, like say your husband.

Liz4444

She used to call me her daughter. I didn't like that, I have a mother and she's not it. So now she says DIL. Behind my back I'm probably the bush who's family stole her son and keeps he grandchild from her.

KrisM86

Mine refers to me by my name or says "my daughter in law."

MrsTBird

We live really far away from DH's family (Australia) so I've only seen them in person a handful of times. I would think she calls me by my name or DIL. She's actually really sweet when you're on her good side and I'm currently on her good side.

kagl08

My MIL is rarely here, so we don't see her often (by her choice). She's a real peach. I have no idea what she calls me. Probably my name. In all honesty I'd have to guess she calls me "my grandchildren's mother." Even though she has only met my DD 1 time and never met my DS, it's always "MY GRANDCHILDREN" with her. She rarely refers to DH and I anymore, but is the picture-perfect grandmother (in her eyes) to her friends. She's a real winner in my eyes... Sucks as a grandmother and sucks even more as a mother.

LCass

MIL calls me by my name, DIL or son's wife.  Depends on who she's talking to, etc.

I don't think the problem is with being "her son's wife" it's about the relationship in general and this just emphasizes the fact that it's not what you had hoped for.  I wouldn't worry about the term she uses and see if you can find a way to try to improve the relationship, even if it means making yourself vulnerable by telling her that you want a closer relationship.

emunbalanced

Liz4444:

She used to call me her daughter. I didn't like that, I have a mother and she's not it. So now she says DIL. Behind my back I'm probably the bush who's family stole her son and keeps he grandchild from her.

Before we were married, I was his 'friend'. After we were married, I was her 'daughter' and felt the same way as Liz about that shiit. I think she says DIL right now if I'm around. Otherwise, it's probably the same as Liz again. My ILs hate me with a fiery passion. The feeling is mutual, don't worry. Phone lines work both ways bish, and the interstate doesn't only run north.

cantalopes24

My MIL and I are really close and spend a lot of time together. She refers to me as H's names wife and he is the only son so DIL would be obvious. It has never bothered me but that's also because I know she doesn't mean anything insulting by it. I call my brothers soon to be wife "brothers names GF" and will call her "brothers wife" once they get married. I feel like it's common if it's not someone who knows me well or a general audience because not everyone is going to remember my name but they will know who H's names wife or DIL is.

Liz4444

emunbalanced:

Liz4444:

She used to call me her daughter. I didn't like that, I have a mother and she's not it. So now she says DIL. Behind my back I'm probably the bush who's family stole her son and keeps he grandchild from her.

Before we were married, I was his 'friend'. After we were married, I was her 'daughter' and felt the same way as Liz about that shiit. I think she says DIL right now if I'm around. Otherwise, it's probably the same as Liz again. My ILs hate me with a fiery passion. The feeling is mutual, don't worry. Phone lines work both ways bish, and the interstate doesn't only run north.

MIL had her brother call DH to ask why he never calls his mother, like we are the only people who's phone has a key pad. She's rather complain than she doesn't see Li then actually get in the car and come see her! They slept here on Yom Kippur, Li was up at 6:30am, they didn't go to temple until 10... My ILs didn't come downstairs until 9:55. They had 3.5 hours to play with her and probably sat upstairs bishing instead of actually spending time with her. They spent all of DH's life working and weren't around for him, but now that they have a little more time, but he doesn't, well, he's an awful person. MIL has a victim mentality and DH is tired of it. He told them to come over early on thanksgiving so they can spend time with Li and her reaction was "we'll, I don't know". Ugh.

wilsontl19191

Liz4444:

emunbalanced:

Liz4444:

She used to call me her daughter. I didn't like that, I have a mother and she's not it. So now she says DIL. Behind my back I'm probably the bush who's family stole her son and keeps he grandchild from her.

Before we were married, I was his 'friend'. After we were married, I was her 'daughter' and felt the same way as Liz about that shiit. I think she says DIL right now if I'm around. Otherwise, it's probably the same as Liz again. My ILs hate me with a fiery passion. The feeling is mutual, don't worry. Phone lines work both ways bish, and the interstate doesn't only run north.

MIL had her brother call DH to ask why he never calls his mother, like we are the only people who's phone has a key pad. She's rather complain than she doesn't see Li then actually get in the car and come see her! They slept here on Yom Kippur, Li was up at 6:30am, they didn't go to temple until 10... My ILs didn't come downstairs until 9:55. They had 3.5 hours to play with her and probably sat upstairs bishing instead of actually spending time with her. They spent all of DH's life working and weren't around for him, but now that they have a little more time, but he doesn't, well, he's an awful person. MIL has a victim mentality and DH is tired of it. He told them to come over early on thanksgiving so they can spend time with Li and her reaction was "we'll, I don't know". Ugh.

This sounds exactly like my IL's.  They live an hour away and when they do come over to see P, they hang for an hour and then it's "well, we should get going".  DH and his siblings were the first ones dropped off at DC and the last ones picked up.  They suck at being Grandparents and they sucked at being parents; their careers were and still are more important than their children/grandchildren.

Liz4444

wilsontl19191:

Liz4444:

emunbalanced:

Liz4444:

She used to call me her daughter. I didn't like that, I have a mother and she's not it. So now she says DIL. Behind my back I'm probably the bush who's family stole her son and keeps he grandchild from her.

Before we were married, I was his 'friend'. After we were married, I was her 'daughter' and felt the same way as Liz about that shiit. I think she says DIL right now if I'm around. Otherwise, it's probably the same as Liz again. My ILs hate me with a fiery passion. The feeling is mutual, don't worry. Phone lines work both ways bish, and the interstate doesn't only run north.

MIL had her brother call DH to ask why he never calls his mother, like we are the only people who's phone has a key pad. She's rather complain than she doesn't see Li then actually get in the car and come see her! They slept here on Yom Kippur, Li was up at 6:30am, they didn't go to temple until 10... My ILs didn't come downstairs until 9:55. They had 3.5 hours to play with her and probably sat upstairs bishing instead of actually spending time with her. They spent all of DH's life working and weren't around for him, but now that they have a little more time, but he doesn't, well, he's an awful person. MIL has a victim mentality and DH is tired of it. He told them to come over early on thanksgiving so they can spend time with Li and her reaction was "we'll, I don't know". Ugh.

This sounds exactly like my IL's.  They live an hour away and when they do come over to see P, they hang for an hour and then it's "well, we should get going".  DH and his siblings were the first ones dropped off at DC and the last ones picked up.  They suck at being Grandparents and they sucked at being parents; their careers were and still are more important than their children/grandchildren.

Then she actually has the balls to complain that Li doesn't recognize her.

This is cathartic, thank you all for indulging my rants.

emunbalanced

Liz4444:

emunbalanced:

Liz4444:

She used to call me her daughter. I didn't like that, I have a mother and she's not it. So now she says DIL. Behind my back I'm probably the bush who's family stole her son and keeps he grandchild from her.

Before we were married, I was his 'friend'. After we were married, I was her 'daughter' and felt the same way as Liz about that shiit. I think she says DIL right now if I'm around. Otherwise, it's probably the same as Liz again. My ILs hate me with a fiery passion. The feeling is mutual, don't worry. Phone lines work both ways bish, and the interstate doesn't only run north.

MIL had her brother call DH to ask why he never calls his mother, like we are the only people who's phone has a key pad. She's rather complain than she doesn't see Li then actually get in the car and come see her! They slept here on Yom Kippur, Li was up at 6:30am, they didn't go to temple until 10... My ILs didn't come downstairs until 9:55. They had 3.5 hours to play with her and probably sat upstairs bishing instead of actually spending time with her. They spent all of DH's life working and weren't around for him, but now that they have a little more time, but he doesn't, well, he's an awful person. MIL has a victim mentality and DH is tired of it. He told them to come over early on thanksgiving so they can spend time with Li and her reaction was "we'll, I don't know". Ugh.

I feel ya, Liz. I think we might have the same MIL. For DD's birthday party weekend, they stayed at a hotel because they were piissed that my family was also staying here(forget that they don't have the extra money for a hotel and the fact that we have extra bedrooms for them to stay in now that we're moved....). They called DH at 1:00 p.m. that Friday afternoon to say they were on their way. We figured they'd be here by 5 p.m. They showed up at our house at 9 and were mad that DD was going to bed (already late, but we tried!). Her party the next day started at 2 p.m., and we needed so much help that morning. They showed up at 1 p.m. when almost everything was ready. I called them out on their bullshiit. They always slow poke around and can't get their asses out of bed and going. It's a damn good thing they don't work real jobs. The next day, they showed up at 11:45, stayed for fifteen minutes and then declared that they were going to mass at noon (already late at that point) and that they were leaving for their house as soon as mass was over. We were dumbfounded. We thought they'd come back for lunch and visit with DD for a little while before they left. MIL called DH later that night and asked how we were since we had kicked them out of our house. WTF????

Ariana2O11

you've met her only 5 times? wow, you are so lucky!

I used to see mine every sunday. Those were long and boring days. She always referred to me by my name or as DH's wife. She initially wanted me to call her "mom". Ummm yeah, I already have one very special mom so that was NOT going to happen.

DH was perfect and could do no wrong in her eyes. 

Scramblersmom

My MIL is deceased but from what I have heard about her she would probably be calling me something nasty. DH and I had been dating for 6 mos-1 year before she passed and he made no effort to ever introduce us. He was trying to save me from the nastiness that she likes in inflict on her two son's partners/wives.

jonnygurl76

Right now? She is prob referring to me as "that *** my son married". And I don't care. Way too much *** went down in the last few months and I haven't spoken to her and don't intend to. Ever again.

wilsontl19191

jonnygurl76:

Right now? She is prob referring to me as "that *** my son married". And I don't care. Way too much *** went down in the last few months and I haven't spoken to her and don't intend to. Ever again.

Yikes!  Sorry to hear :-(

morsey2011

She usually says "this is (my name), (DH's names)'s wife." Sometimes it's this is our DIL. My FIL will say this is our daughter, which creeps me out.