PreK friend issue - WWYD?

shannm

A little background...DS is a bookworm and in past school/daycare settings was known to get into moods where he wanted to be by himself and read.   He can be overwhelmed by some social situations more easily than other kids but I don't think his behavior is abnormal.  Important to note that he is not like this all the time and in general, plays very well with others and has forged solid friendships in the past.

We had a parent teacher conference that was more negative than we expected last week.  One of the issues that was brought to our attention was that he and another classmate, "B," were like "oil and water."  The teachers detailed how they really antagonized each other but how they continued to gravitate towards each other.  DS has a really intense friendship with another boy, "A," and apparently gets irritated when B wants to join in.  One teacher even said that DS "picks  on B" but honestly, I don't think DS is seeking him out to do this, I think it is happening when B approaches him.

We want DS to be kind and respectful to others.  I asked him why he was fighting with B.  He said he didn't want to be his friend.  I asked why.  He said he didn't know.  I told him that it was ok to play with more than one friend and that he should give B a chance.  I also said that if there were times that B wanted to play and DS really didn't want to, that it was ok to say "No thank you, I want to play alone right now." and then walk away (I was suggesting this bc I am getting the impression that they are resorting to pushing and hitting each other when things are heated).

So I asked how things went today.  He said "I tried to say the right thing but it didn't work."  Apparently he told him, no thanks, I want to be alone, then walked away.  Then B followed him.  

I don't know how to help him deal with this situation.  I don't think that he should have to be friends with everyone although I do expect him to be kind and keep his hands to himself.  Part of me wishes that the teachers would encourage B to seek out other playmates but it doesn't seem like they are doing that.  WWYD?  How would you guide your LO in this situation? 

anonsouthernbell

Maybe use this and ask the preschool to reinforce it there too:

 

https://www.vanderbilt.edu/csefel/scriptedstories/tuckerturtle.ppt 

weddedwife

Your son's personality sounds just like my daughter's. I'd probably see if I could get more info on the situation from the teachers. Like, is this kid approaching and singling out DS? Or does he do this to other kids too? Can they encourage him to play with other kids instead of DS? If DS is really feeling bothered by this kid can he call a teacher's attention to it and get this kid to stop following him?

I guess I don't have a lot of advice but I think I'd feel like you do in this situation. I'd want DD to play well with other kids but at the same time wouldn't want to force her to play with some kid she genuinely doesn't like. It's so hard at this age to get them to express what it is they are uncomfortable with. Maybe try asking him different ways to explain why he doesn't like this kid- like, what does he do that you don't like? Or, how does he act or what does he say?

I don't know. Hopefully someone else has some insight here!

LoveEeyore

Play dates play dates!  Get that boy over as often as you can, maybe even both boys.  Let DS plan the activities and snack, maybe buy a few new toys to make it exciting and then helpp him navigate confidently.

My DD was a doormat and refused to talk at school so I got the loudest, wildest kids over here on her turf and she gained confidence with them and built a personal history with them that made her kinda "in" at school.  that was entering the 2s class and now, in the 4s class, she is a top dog in need  of some toning it down lessons.  I say hit it head on, on his turf.