Could I turn out like all the moms I've seen?

AericksMommy

I posted this on Yahoo Answers a while ago, but I'm still not feeling at all convinced. Please excuse me for angsting, but I think I'll get more advice and such here. This long time lurker loves you guys.

 

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I'm not here to be holier-than-thou, and to proove it I'll start by saying that I'm like many of the moms that weren't sure if they loved their newborn in the first weeks. I went rather angsty all alone when my husband was at work, even crying along with my son because I felt like I was a horrid person for not loving him like everyone seemed to say I should have. After reading some other new mommy threads I realized it was normal and worked past it.

Now a short three months later I ADORE my smiling little boy and those old, wretched feelings seem like something of the past (well, they sometimes seem relatable during the crying session he has a bit before bed time, but that's a very short time). But, being me, I've found something else to angst about.

Every mother I've ever known has been a woman I don't like and don't want to become. My mother may be the exception, or I thought she was until she recently confided in me that she was actually abusive to my eldest sister. ...It actually explains alot. I also thought my aunt was a great mother, but it turns out she never even wanted my cousin, but merely had her for her husband. She went to work and my uncle stayed home to play Mr. Mom (Perhaps I should look to him?). And apparently she's never actually been too emotionally involved with my cousin. I don't really blame her, since she actually didn't want to have a baby, but it shattered yet another image I had.

Best friend's mother in high school- A single mom (honestly a bad situation with her) who all but ignored cleanliness in her house with her only daughter. I'm talking leftover chicken bones(some meat still on the bones) left out for weeks, piles of dirty laundry that stuck for weeks, dirty toilets that look like they were never white inside, etc..

Another Friend's mom- When her eldest daughter (my friend) turned 13 she left all the house chores, cooking, taking care of her two younger sisters (one was 2), to her daughter and went to work fulltime. It wasn't even necessary because her husband already made money for a very, very nice house; she basically went to work so they could buy material things. I don't blame her for wanting to fulfill these desires, but she was also abusive, her husband more so, and as far as I can tell, the job has fallen on the middle sister since my friend moved out.

High school boyfriend's mom- A drunk, horrid, untreated bi-polar lady. I honestly blame her for her decisions, and the eventual breakdown of a boy I loved into someone I honestly hate, but feel sorry for now.

Another friend's mom - basically ditched her first daughter for the daughter she had with her second husband. She was abusive to the first, verbally and physically (I was friends with the second daughter, so I really don't feel biased for not liking this mother).

My husbands mother- Abusive to all three of her children, led to her eldest son's suicide. Apparently when the three of them were preteens and younger, she used a bullwhip on them. She's also an obvious man hater and treats her daughter like a princess now (she's 20 now and doesn't have to drive, doesn't work and failed her first semester of college so there's no more financial aid). The woman is also unemployed, relying on that money and her son, my husband, to help pay her rent. I wouldn't blame her for unemployment, all things considered, but she honestly doesn't put any effort into finding a job (I know this because her freeloading daughter complains about it while she does the same).

Pretty much any other mother I've ever known has been the same. Am I doomed to end up like these women? Will I be the bane of my son's existence at some point? I honestly don't see how I could because I don't see these qualities in myself, but I can't imagine I'm better than they were when they started because I can't imagine someone of their temperment raising a child after starting to raise my own. They all seem so selfish. Is it because raising a child is just so draining? I can see that. Should I just expect to become so bitter and broken? Or is there a chance I'm just more cut out than they were? Is there a chance I've had a really bad stock of mommies to look through? Do you have any good mommy stories for me? Is your mother amazing? Or are we all actually set to become this way?

KEfam5

Wow. I'm sorry that has been your experience. Not all mothers are like that. At all. Most of what you described comes out of pure selfishness on the mothers part. If you truly want what is best for your baby, you're not going to end up like that. You may not be able to give your baby everything but that won't make you a bad mother.

I have an amazing mom. Most of the people I know have amazing moms. Don't ever let yourself think that you're destined to  be an awful mother.

CLeigh03

I know great moms and not so great moms. It's all about priorities and finding the right balance between putting your kids first but not losing yourself. With your child you will start to meet many other moms. Surround yourself with moms that are positive and who you admire. Some of my closest friends are my DS's friends moms and I am inspired by many of them!

AprilAngie

I think as with anything you can always find the negative in something. Does that mean your fate is a crappy mom, absolutely not! Just the fact you posted and want better for your son means you are already one step of the game. There are bad moms and great moms. Maybe get a book like chicken soup for the mom' s soul, and read positive stories about great moms. Surround yourself with great moms. I'm sure u have to have a friend or cousin or aunt or grandma whom is a great role model as a mom. Make a list as to the qualities you want k be to your son and how you can achieve them. Have you thought therpay?

bigbootyjudi

You just know the wrong people, apparently.

Raising a child is draining, sure, but I guess it's whether you accept that fact. The women that struggle with that fact and refuse to put their children before themselves end up like the women you know. Being a parent requires tons and tons of sacrifice and some people just aren't that selfless.

I have an absolutely amazing mother. We've had our ups and downs, as everyone does, but there is no way I could've made it through these first three months without her. We were never really close when I was younger, but ever since DS, we're closer than ever. She cooked our meals for the first almost two months, she comes over every other day just to give me a short break, watches DS once a week while I work, and is the proudest grandma I know. She has been such a support system and I couldn't imagine having to go through any of this without her.

 

LindsayDesigner

C_mo:

anbeck4:

You just know the wrong people, apparently.

Your life is entirely what you make of it.

Don't let yourself become a self fulfilling prophecy. Focus on being a good Mom and make good choices. If anything, learn from the bad choices that others made so you can avoid their mistakes.

AericksMommy

AprilAngie:

I think as with anything you can always find the negative in something. Does that mean your fate is a crappy mom, absolutely not! Just the fact you posted and want better for your son means you are already one step of the game. There are bad moms and great moms. Maybe get a book like chicken soup for the mom' s soul, and read positive stories about great moms. Surround yourself with great moms. I'm sure u have to have a friend or cousin or aunt or grandma whom is a great role model as a mom. Make a list as to the qualities you want k be to your son and how you can achieve them. Have you thought therpay?

 I believe I'll be looking for that book when I take DS to Barnes and Noble this week.

Thank you all so much. I guess I really do just know the wrong people. I'll continue to reiterate to myself than I don't have the qualities that made these other moms the way they were. I'll just continue to see my son as the light in my life.