Your doctors - Did your relationship change afterward?

FullHeartMama

If any of you were like me, I was seeing a high risk doctor and I felt like we were always seeing one another for problems I was having with my PG.

DH and I came to really love our doctor - he was there for us on so many occasions when we were scared or anxious - and we credit him for our PG going as long as it did.

At the end of the day, I am left with no answers for what happened. I don't blame him when I think about it consciously. But there is a twinge of something... even though I believe he did everything he could to try to help our DD along, given all of the problems, and to deliver her safely.

I haven't spoken with him since he delivered our daughter. She died 8 hours after delivery. He called and left a vm sending his condolences, and asking that we meet for an appointment to discuss everything.

I just feel like things are awkward now. I'm nervous to talk to him. I'm nervous about breaking down and being emotional and I don't want for him to feel bad. But I am also nervous about going down a road of "what if" with him and I don't want to go there. I don't think anything could have changed what happened.

Did your relationship with your doctor change after your loss? Did you blame anyone? If you conceived again, would you have returned to your doctor if the circumstances made sense?  

ILoveRedVino

I don't blame my doctor for the loss, but I felt like they could have found problems sooner.  I feel like my OB shouldn't have led me to believe that everything was going to be ok.  So I don't hold her responsible since the baby couldn't have been saved, but I do blame her for not having all the information.  And I know she is human, she isn't a high-risk doctor, and I know that doctors don't know everything, but based on these ill-feelings, I won't go back to her when I get pregnant again.

Bayberry12

I did go back to see my Dr. for my postpartum check.  I cried, it was an extremely emotional appointment, but it was also kind of closure. I had spent so much time at that office, going there for over two years.  The day I found out my daughters heart had stopped beating, I knew I would never trust her to care for another pregnancy again.  It might not be the right thing to say, but I do blame my Dr.  I feel she was very casual, appointments were always brief with hardly any discussion.  This was my first child, and I put so much trust and faith in my Dr. and I don't feel enough attention was given to me when I voiced any concerns.    

I have since started seeing a much better Dr. who pays a lot of attention to my feelings and we have a good relationship.  

If you do stay with your Dr. it will be hard to talk about what happened, and you probably will cry, but that's ok.  I hope things work out for you. 

Williamandshawnna

I did not blame anyone other than the what if's towards things I did (working too much, going up and down stairs too much) They did everything they could do. When we went back for follow up visits with both doctors I lost it totally sobbing at both visits. They understood and consoled me the best they could so soon after the loss of our boys. I have a great relationship with both our OB and MFM doctors. There was nothing they could have done. I will be seeing both of them for any future pregnancies.

 

starburst0928

I didn't blame my doctor at all. Appointments the whole time were always short and sweet, but that was okay with me and my baby was healthy. What happened to me was a fluke. I thought about switching OBs but after my 6 week PP I wouldn't go to anyone else. It's a much more personal relationship now. 

Obviously everyone's story is different, and relationships can change for better or for worse. Next time, you just have to do what feels right for you and your baby.

buggirl72

We love our OB and she will continue to be my regular OB for yearly appointments. I do not blame her or her office. I believe that there was nothing that could be done once I started having symptoms that something was wrong. It was very emotional going back to my OB's office for my PP but I know that part will get easier. 

If I do get pregnant again, I will go to a high-risk doctor. I'm 40 and with the abruption it is the logical thing to do. MH and I already know which doctor we will see (he is one of the high-risk doctors who saw me in L&D and had was visibly upset with what was going on).  

weddedwife

I wasn't considered high risk during my last pg; I was seeing a midwife which just wasn't an option this time around due to my history. Our son was delivered by the OB on duty, and I didn't want to go back to him. However, I went to him for our 6w pp check-up. He was the one who was there when it all happened, so I needed to ask my questions of him. So I asked them all, one after another, knowing full well I probably wouldn't get many answers. And I was right. But I HAD to ask.

I won't lie, the appt. was hard. Even being in the waiting room was agony. I don't think you'll get away with not crying no matter who you see about your loss. I doubt any one of us got through that appt. w/ dry eyes. This is a part of their job and if you never ask your questions they may eat you up inside. That fear of creating an awkward situation with your doctor is just a natural reaction to this situation.

I don't blame any of my doctors. I do wish things had happened differently. I think there is a little twinge of "something" no matter what- whether you are blaming your caregiver, the hospital or yourself. It's that inner voice that is telling you something just isn't right, babies just don't die. But we all know now that they do.

I still go to the same practice, I just now see the high risk Dr. All my appts. are in the same hospital where my son died. It was very, very hard at first to go back there. I would shake and my heart would race the first, say, 9 or 10 times I had to go back. However, I have met so many of the OB's in the practice now that I have (sadly) had so many issues and I feel like they know me; they know my history. They are more willing to take my concerns seriously and to treat me with care and respect. For this pg, I desperately needed a doctor who could speak to me frankly and not blow smoke up my a$$. I didn't want someone telling me "everything will be okay" if there was a good chance it wouldn't be. I felt like I had already experienced a worst case scenario so I needed them to be blunt with me.

ThereBeDragons

I was seeing a regular OB. Nothing indicated that I was a high risk for the complications we encountered. (High risk for GD. High risk for high blood pressure. High risk for Pre-E... all due to my weight- but not for PTL IC or PPROM)

I called twice leading up to my water breaking with strong braxton hicks and they eventually brought me in for a pelvic exam and doppler "just to be safe". And they sent me home telling me that everything was perfect. My blood pressure was down, my cervix with tightly closed, the baby's heartbeat was 150 on the doppler. "Take a tylenol and relax".

6 hours later my water broke- 8 hours later I delivered the baby.

My regular OB- who was on vacation at the time- still hasn't called to send his condolences. The midwife who did the exam the day before stopped by my hospital room the morning after to say how sorry she was but to reiterate that she'd seen nothing to indicate that this could happen. It felt a lot more like "Please don't blame me... I don't know what happened!" than true sympathy.

In the end I don't blame the OB practice. But I don't like the way I was handled by the regular staff. The on call doc who stayed with me while I delivered the placenta was the only bright spot. She listened and allowed me concessions that I don't believe other docs would have. She let me labor for hours with the placenta instead of forcing a D&C- let me choose the level of med interventions (no IV meds- no picotin or pain meds) and let me leave the hospital after 8 hours instead of the 24 that is typically required.

I will probably be changing my OB with a future pregnancy. If I stay with this practice- it'd be to that on call doc. Not because I think the other docs who saw me for regular visits were bad- but because when the sh*t hit the fan- she let me choose the things that mattered to me and that's the kind of doc that I want. I have no idea if my regular doc would be just as good- but I know she was.

As for my regular OB. I'm... unimpressed. I liked his laid back attitude (my RE is painfully cheerful all the time so a mellow OB was a relaxing contrast) but I don't like that he didn't call after the loss. I don't like that when things went wrong he wasn't there. Which was just bad luck- I know all OBs take vacations. But it still doesn't leave me feeling confident in his care.

I will be going back to my RE. I love the way both of my pregnancies were handled by his office. I just wish I could keep my RE on until birth.

fluttergirlmoonchild79

Really liked my OB before.  Love him now.  When I went in for my 6 week PP appointment, he didn't want to do it, he just wanted to talk.  I made him do it because I wanted clearance to be able to run.   Since everything happened he insists on seeing me every 3 months, just to check on me.  He sent his condolences and sent flowers.  I insist on going back to him.  We've begun our TTCAL journey and I've already talked to him about it and he said I can have as many appointments and u/s's I want.  My situation was very different from a lot of people here due to the fact that my baby was born and I got to bring him home.  Nothing that happened was related to my OB - but in that same breath, I could never blame the pediatrician either.  I love her and will be going to her again hopefully soon.  I can understand how some people would want the same OB and others not, I think a lot of it depends on the individuals experience.

jbranden12

(rainbow pregnancy mentioned)

I stayed with the same OB. I don't blame anyone, we consented to an autopsy on Patricia and could not find a cause so I don't believe anyone could have done anything to save her. I haven't gotten emotional with her, because we wanted to ttc again as soon as possible and I was goal-focused every time I was in there. She is very caring, but she took my lead and stayed focused on the same goal.

She said we could try again after one full cycle and when I asked for clomid on our first cycle ttc she gave it to me (with monitoring of course). Some may side-eye that, but I am thankful she didn't risk putting us through possible months of heartache when we were fairly sure this would work for us (I have PCOS and we got pg with Patricia on our first time using it). I am also being monitored much more this time, more for peace of mind than anything since we don't have anything to "watch out" for. I know she really wants to help us have a healthy living baby.

jess123456

My OB actually said to me that he would understand if I wanted to see someone else after what happened to our daughter. It wasn't because I blamed him at all (our daughter had a genetic condition which was not compatible for life) but I think because he thought it might be too emotional for me to go back to his office after what happened. I actually feel really comfortable with him and even more comfortable because he knows our experience. He has been an amazing advocate for us and for us it feels like he goes above and beyond because he is so invested in us. For me, it is probably most difficult stepping back in the office again but not so much talking with my doctor, if that makes any sense.

OSUWifey09

My situation is unique in that I was visiting my mom when I found out Devon was gone - so I delivered at a hospital two hours away from my home hospital. I wasn't quite sure what to expect from my OB when he found out, but he called me right after he heard [my delivering hospital called my home hospital to get my medical records - my OB happened to be on call since everything happened over a weekend, he overheard my name being dropped and called me immediately]. I saw him four weeks after my loss, and he cried with me, explained what would happen in the future, and answered every question I asked. I liked him before but love him now.

My mom sorta blames him for not seeing that something was wrong, but I saw the ultrasound myself. I heard Devon's heartbeat myself. The day that I fell, everything was absolutely fine. I had no signs of an abruption [no bleeding, contractions], and there was no way to know that an abruption would happen. He forced me to get an ultrasound and NST, and he was going to see me again after the weekend to make sure things were OK - he did what he was supposed to do. So I don't blame my OB at all, and I will definitely use him for my next pregnancy.

sgb721

The relationship changed yes- I felt frustrated and jealous. Two nights after our loss my doctor delivered a family friends daughter and I felt jealous that he was able to deliver her baby and not mine (maybe that's weird).

I blame our losses on a lot of things but not my doctor. He did everything he could and he was nothing but supportive to us.

We did stay with him after our losses as the things that went 'wrong' with our pregnancies were not within his control in anyway- our problem has an unknown genetic link. I would return to him again if we had another pregnancy. 

Hugs!