My kid got in trouble at preschool-Vent

mommytoconnor

So my 2 yr old is in preschool. He has SPD and his team all agreed to get him started in preschool to socialize him and hopefully help his language skills.  He is on track with all of his other devel. stuff.  So I did a lot of research and found one that sounded great.  The director has a child herself with autism and so she is familiar with special needs as are her teachers.  Sounds great.  So first 3 weeks went great no problems.  So yesterday I get a report that he had a bad day.  He was pushing other kids and taking their toy away, which he has never ever done.  My mom, who picked him up asked how they handled it and they said that they basically took the toy back and gave lots of attention the the child that he pushed.  Now mind you, none of these children were injured in anyway and it wasn't a "hard" push.  They said they didn't have to "write it up" but so we know.  I was like, he's 2 and aren't you guys supposed to be working on sharing and stuff with them. I mean he has never been around other kids and they knew that. I thought preschool was there to help them learn these things along with the parents.  They made me feel like I had the worst child in the world. End rant.

mommytoconnor

Auntie,

I don't mean to sound defensive, but I am a little. My point in saying that no one was hurt was their communication to me. It was simply to explain he didn't go around pushing everyone down and really hurting them.  I am not condoning that he pushed anyone and nor would I like my son to be on the other end. My first question to them was "was anyone hurt" I was concerned for the others.  She said "no it wasn't a hard push or anything and no one was hurt"  To answer your other question, he just turned 2 in the end of June, so he's an early 2.  This should be when we are teaching sharing and for them to act like he committed a felony I thought was a little dramatic. I also agree with the way they gave attention to the other child he pushed and not him.  I do the same thing when he's at home.  But I also feel as if they should have said something to him so he learns about sharing.  He has never been around other kids at all except for the last 3 weeks, but before that was not around them, so he has never really had to share any of his toys. When he started I explained his SPD to them and that I did want to be informed of any issues.  It was the way they went about it like they were writing him up for bad behavior and like they were gonna kick him out. I am new to all of this and finding it very hard to have any support in my area for what I am going thru and turn here for a little guideance and support.  Thought the special needs board was for guidance and support, but I must be mistaken.  Won't post a "vent" again.

grbnik

Oh no!  I am sorry this happened.  Many hugs out to you.  I know that daycare, whether you have SN or not, can be rough.  Having a child with a SN, with teachers who may not be fully trained in that SN, is even more difficult.  I just have to say, from experience, that we have had to switch daycares once already, and we just thought about doing it again this week.  Not every daycare is for every child, regardless of the Director's personal experience.  It is tough, but it may get better, and if not, hopefully you can find someplace else that you are more comfortable with sending your LO.  I wish you the best!

And, from the standpoint of having a child who bit every kid, sometimes multiple times per day, and getting Accident/Incident reports very frequently, I understand what you feel about with wanting the right type of correction and redirection.  I always felt like I wish my kid was getting bit, because him biting made me feel worse- like I was letting him do it at home!  But, daycare explained that this was his way of communicating, and they understood, and I overheard them explaining this to one of the parent's of the kids my kid bit (not revealing that it was us!).  So, I see things from that perspective, but also feel so much better that they seemed to 'get' why he was acting out this way.  Perhaps if you went to the Director and explained your frustrations?  I just had to do this this week with our Director, and honestly, I am the worst at confrontation, but I had to take a big breath and just do it. 

Good luck!  Just know that it will get better!  

 

mommytoconnor

grbnik,

Thanks for the support and understanding.  I really appreciate it.  I agree with you I wish my kid were the one pushed down and give him a taste of what it's like. It's hard, ya know, I am a single mom who adopted this little boy from foster care and he is the absolute love of my life.  It's hard though with his SPD, him being a toddler, him also being bigger for his age, everyone thinks he is 3 approaching 4 and he just turned 2 a few months ago. I mean pushing is a regular old toddler thing, doesn't mean he is the worst kid ever. It means he has learning to do, which all toddlers do.  I have done everything that all of the professionals have recommended and sometimes we special needs moms, or just plain moms in general, need to vent our frustrations and a few kind words from others don't hurt, so I thank you for your "hug".

st.augbride

Please feel free to vent! This board is a great place for that as we can all relate to those same concerns. I'm sorry he had a rough day. We are looking at pre-schools for when ds turns 2/3, and I get concerned about how he'll transition over. He's in a home daycare with other kids and does well, but I know a new environment can really bring things out. Hugs!

d.f

The way they handle it between the kids sounds pretty standard but it sounds like their communication to you was harsh.

I would look at their training with SN kids. I noticed a stark difference in the way DS's summer camp handled situations. While at camp they were aware of DS's needs and said they could handle them, they clearly were not trained. I got verbal incident reports almost every single day over the 4 week camp and it sucked. I just started tuning them out because DS did love going. Since school started back up in August I have gotten a few "he had a rough day/seemed tired/was dysregulated do you know whys" and one actual detailed verbal report of toy taking and pushing. The difference is the school environment is more structured and the teachers are all trained in his needs. Even last year when my kid couldn't sit still for 2 minutes and bumped into adults and kids on the regular, I got how do we help him be successful in the classroom instead of criticism.

JenGK

There is one boy in my son's class with whom my son does not get along, and I have been on the receiving end of both the pushed and the pusher messages.  I get that it stings.  But it is a type of message that daycare providers give all the time, and so while it may seem harsh to you, they may have thought they were giving a neutral, "just so you know" report.

I can understand why they might not have talked to him about sharing right at that moment.  It seems like the strategy they employ may be to discourage undesired behavior by removing anything that the kids may perceive as a reinforcer.  In practice, what this means is that you don't scold/reprimand/discuss when something undesired happens, but ignore, and then encourage good behavior when it happens with lots of positive reinforcement.  So, just because they didn't talk to him right at that moment about sharing does not mean they are encouraging sharing throughout the day and praising him and others when they do share.

I remember when I first started posting on the board feeling a little put-off by Auntie's straightforward tone.  Three and a half years later, I appreciate how she gave me a straight message when even therapists and doctors didn't.

Justinlove

My kiddo is in a SN preschool and I get reports daily on how she did...good and bad.  As a parent, I WANT to know how she is behaving.  Wile some things are developmental, it doesn't give our kids a free pass and as parents we can help encourage positive behavior (especially when we know about problems).  The school would be remiss if they didn't let you know about the "bad stuff" when it happens.  Think of it this way...do you want to know along the way, or would you rather have a bomb dropped on you later when it has developed into a HUGE issue?  

 

Trust me...NO parent (SN or not) likes to hear negative reports on their child, but no kid is perfect and child care providers and teachers have a responsibility to inform parents so that you can work together. 

macchiatto

Justinlove:

Trust me...NO parent (SN or not) likes to hear negative reports on their child, but no kid is perfect and child care providers and teachers have a responsibility to inform parents so that you can work together. 

I agree with this, and I'm also someone who really appreciates auntie's straightforward and honest advice. I don't think she was being critical; just trying to put the situation in perspective and normalize your experience. 

My boys started preschool in January right after they turned 3 because my kid with developmental and sensory issues desperately needed more socialization in a more structured setting than the play dates, Sunday School, gym daycare stuff we'd been doing. (He wasn't interacting with peers--other than his twin--at all as of his 3rd birthday.) I got glowing reports on their behavior last spring but this fall suddenly I was getting negative reports almost every day on one or both boys. It was really discouraging and hard to hear and I think especially if it's the first time you've gotten that kind of feedback on your kid in a school setting, it can be tough to take. But like pp said, they're just trying to keep you in the loop so you can work together on any behavior issues, and provide feedback so you know how your child behaves in a school setting, when you're not around. If they were overly harsh that's one thing and maybe something you could address with them, but try to keep it in perspective that both the behavior and feedback described are really pretty common in preschool and it likely doesn't mean that they don't understand your child's needs or that they're targeting him as a trouble-maker or anything like that.

lite-bright

I get feeling like they think your kid can't do anything right. My DD was in a summer program full of mostly-typical kids where they claimed to be welcoming, but the teachers had zero training and really no idea that the things that would make an impression on typical kids don't work with my DD -- or, they work, but it takes 10x as long to get there. So I got lots of negative reports that were laced with the undertone of "maybe this isn't a good fit for her". 

That said -- you're talking about one day, and I'm not exactly clear from your post if you've even talked to them or if you've talked solely to your mom and you're getting things second-hand that may be exaggerated n regards to tone. Nobody likes those days, but they happen to everyone, typical kid or not. And they happen more often when your kid has SN/behavior issues. 

The other thing is, I decided that I wasn't just going to sit back and let the teachers struggle to deal with DD1's behavior until they decided they couldn't handle her and kicked her out. I went and observed one day to see where she was struggling and acting out, and suggested some things that might work. I asked one of our therapists to come on a different day so that she could get an idea of what was going on, and talk to the teachers on some suggestions to deal with behaviors. And that meant that the teachers knew I was proactive, knew I wasn't ignoring or excusing behavior b/c of her autism, and knew that I was trying to help everybody involved. So they were more patient and understanding and the "gee, your kid is frustrating" tone went out of their voices. 

You can't just leave things up to the school/the teachers if you're getting info that thing aren't going well. They may say they're familiar with SN -- "familiar with" and "trained to deal with" are two very, very different things. You need to find out if they are properly trained to help your son. Are they in communication with his SN team? Does he have an IEP with goals they are working towards?