Spanking ?

jshf

Does anyone ever spank their kids?  I have a 3 yo son that is just really getting so defiant, yelling, even hitting.  I've been trying to do positive parenting, humor, rewards, time out, everything that I can possibly think of.  Today he was really going crazy, kicking because he didn't want to go to sleep.  I couldn't take it anymore and spanked him.  It was with my hand on his bottom and just one spank.  I never wanted to spank my children, but I'm feeling at a loss of what to do.  I have another little baby and a husband who is gone 12 hours a day and goes to school at night. I just don't know what to do. 

ncbelle

Well...I don't think you should beat yourself up over what happened today or anything but I also don't think you'd be posting if you thought spanking was an effective form of discipline.  My thoughts...whenever I've been tempted to spank it's out of my own frustration - that's not a place discipline should come from.  Plus, what does spanking teach kids?  Either that hitting is sometimes ok (particularly bad if you are already struggling with that behavior) or that kiddo should fear you...or both.

I noticed a big change in Callum's behavior right around the time Eleanor started walking and acting more "person like" - sort of a secondary jealousy phase.  If your tickers are right, I'd guess that you are there now and that explains part of the uptick in difficult behavior.  Plus 3 is an age of boundary testing - so it's natural for there to be difficult behavior phases.

That said...of course it's not ok for kids to just do whatever they please without consequence or guidance.  I'm personally not a time out fan - I find them to be exercises in frustration that lead to power struggles over actually completing the time out.  We do use "chill outs/time ins" - kind of a "let's sit here and think about this together for a minute or even lets take some deep breaths together sort of thing.  On the occasions where Callum has done the crazy can't listen to reason kicking thing - I just step back and let him be until he chills.

By far the most successful discipline method at our house is to figure out what's triggering the behavior and try to avoid that situation.  So sometimes it's a greater need for physical activity; sometimes a need for an early bedtime because of a busy day; sometimes a snack if dinner is running late.  I've found that screen time increases the risk of misbehavior as does a day where I don't take some focused time to just play if even for a few minutes.  In terms of being defiant - choices are key - even if they are ridiculously simple ones it helps a ton.

And sometimes what's most needed is a little mama time - if I'm tired or overly busy I don't respond to the small things with patience - and that causes escalations to the really "bad" behavior.  

erbear

ncbelle is wise. Read her post again.

CrazyDaisy8

I am a firm believer in spanking. I have even started having my son go get a whipping stick to use. I think he thinks twice about misbehaving after a few whips of my stick!!

Emerald27

hardewbr:

I am a firm believer in spanking. I have even started having my son go get a whipping stick to use. I think he thinks twice about misbehaving after a few whips of my stick!!

Talented 2-month-old! Nice try, August '12! :P 

jshf

Thanks for your feedback.  I think I am burnt out and trying to get DS1 to behave at times is extremely frustrating and overwhelming.  I guess when I'm feeling like that I need to give myself a time out!  I try to keep in mind that DS1 is just 3 and doing what a 3 year old does.  

js13524

I don't have any advice for you, but I wanted to let you know you're not alone. We are going through the exact same thing right. But H is very pro-spanking. I believe DS is the type of kid that learns by example. If H yells and hits so does DS. It's been very frustrating trying to get H on board with a gentler form of discipline. I think ncbelle's advice is great. I will be using it even if I can't get H to. Hang in there. Hopefully this phase will be over soon for both of us!

frlcb

ncbelle:

By far the most successful discipline method at our house is to figure out what's triggering the behavior and try to avoid that situation.  So sometimes it's a greater need for physical activity; sometimes a need for an early bedtime because of a busy day; sometimes a snack if dinner is running late.  I've found that screen time increases the risk of misbehavior as does a day where I don't take some focused time to just play if even for a few minutes.  In terms of being defiant - choices are key - even if they are ridiculously simple ones it helps a ton.

And sometimes what's most needed is a little mama time - if I'm tired or overly busy I don't respond to the small things with patience - and that causes escalations to the really "bad" behavior.  

So much all of this. I know ds acts up when I haven't spent enough time playing with him, and I know then it is time to put away everything else, dinner can wait, and play. 

aglenn

Oh my goodness, Fred, I think "threenager" may be my new favorite word.

To the OP:  ncbelle has great advice, as always.  I definitely DO put myself in time out from time to time, when I reach that point where I know I need to calm myself down.  I think it sets a good example for DD to see me recognize the need to step away and chill out for a minute.  I have also taught her that her room is her place to calm down, and when she's having a tantrum I'll ask her if she wants to go to her room for a while and she will typically say yes.  She'll go snuggle her blanket or a stuffed animal for a few minutes and then come out and tell me she feels better now.  If she's kicking and carrying on like your DS was, I walk away and tell her I'll talk to her once she's had a chance to calm down. 

None of this is meant to say it's easy, because it's not!  Having a three year old and a baby has been soooo difficult for me, and like you my DH is gone a lot.  Hugs to you!  It is OK to admit that it's hard and ask for help.

tjkdlhb

Love threenager!

Dodger Fan Mommy 2009

hi im from cali. i do believe in spanking. i used to start tapping her hand at age 2 instead of spanking but now that shes getting to be at age 3 is really getting out of hand of tantrums, yelling, talking back etc so i do tend to spank. im a single mom so it was always hard for me to spank or not spank and sometimes i did it when i was frustruated but hey parenting isnt easy so i dont blame you for what u had to do today. take it easy.