Hello and Intro

MBB41707

Hi,

 My name is Megan and I have been reading posts on this board, but this is my first post.  I am a new parent, and specifically, a new preemie parent.  As a new parent I expected that I would have good days and bad days, and that my life would be changed forever.  However, as a preemie parent, I am finding that all of that is true, but to an extreme.  Life has been a roller coaster since my baby James came 7 weeks early.  I have found myself wanting support from people who know what this is like, and have therefore found it helpful to read posts on this board, and I hope to make the time to post, too.

 I had an uneventful, and frankly, easy pregnancy.  Everything was going along fine until I lost my mucus plug at 32 weeks, and a Ffc test showed labor could be within the next two weeks.  I went in to the hospital for the first of the steroid shots and a non-stress test showed I was having contractions 4 minutes apart.  I spent the next 48 hours at the hospital on magnesium sulfate to stop contractions and give the shots time to work.  While on the mag the baby had three heart decelerations.  After 48 hours on the mag my contractions were very mild and far apart, but the doctor wanted me to stay in the hospital on a monitor to monitor the baby's heart.  Within 12 hours of getting off the mag, the baby had a fourth heart deceleration and the doctor said I needed an emergency c-section.

 James was born at 33 weeks and 2 days.  He was 4 lb, 7 oz.  James spent the next 7 weeks in the Special Care Nursery.  He never had to go to a NICU and he never needed oxygen, for which I am very thankful.  Over the 7 weeks, James had high bilirubin, problems feeding, bradys, reflux and aspirations while feeding.  It was seven weeks before James could come home because he just couldn't make it through a five day count down with no spells until 7 weeks.  He finally came home two days after his due date.  He is home on a wedge to keep him on an incline when lying down, and a heart monitor.  His reflux is severe and I hate always seeing him in pain.  He also continues to aspirate on thin liquids and has to have thickened formula.  These things are hard, but I am so grateful that we are not dealing with more serious issues.  He seems to be going through a fussy phase right now, but is generally a happy and easy going baby.

 While going through this I have felt every emotion in the book, and continue to deal with emotional issues surrounding having a preemie.  I think I am coping okay, but like I said, there are good days and bad days.  I have felt guilty that my body failed James, I have felt sad that I didn't get to finish my pregnancy, I have missed being pregnant, I have felt like it took me a while to bond with James, I felt like my life was on hold while he was in the special care nursery, I felt grateful and happy when he made progress, and so sad and discouraged when we had setbacks.  Lately I have had a lot of mixed feelings about pumping and not getting to experience nursing James (because he has to have thickened feeds, I have pumped and have frozen everything after the first 5 weeks when we found out about his aspiration).  I am on the brink of quitting pumping, and that comes with a ton of emotions.   However, though everything I have also felt so much love for my sweet baby James, so much love for my husband who has already been an amazing father and amazingly supportive partner, and joy from being a mom.

I look forward to contributing to this board and finding support and shared experiences with the other moms on this board.

 Megan 

Sunglow28

I am also new to this board and am finding it a roller coaster as well. I really sympathized with your feelings of loss over not completing the pregnancy. I missed my baby shower and each time I see my maternity clothes that I had just bought, washed, but never wore, I cry. It's not the clothes, per se, its the feeling that this all happened so fast. It's hard to process. I keep telling my husband I want another pregnancy again as soon as possible just so I can somehow feel like I did it "right" this time. I keep telling myself that these feelings will pass as I wrap my head around what has happened.

Good luck with your little guy and I hope we both have a more peaceful parenting experience soon.

SBBBE

Welcome! All of your feelings are completly normal. It will get a little better with the struggles your little one is facing each day. As time passes things will get less stressful and you will slowly start to heal emotionally although I don't think the sorrow will ever go away 100 percent.

Don't be afraid to seek counseling if you feel you need it.

Don't be hard on yourself if you have to stop pumping. It is important for your LO to have a happy mommy!

CTbride79

Hi Megan, congrats and welcome to the board! :-) 

This is definitely a great place for support, everything you've been feeling is pretty common here and totally normal!  My son was born at 32 weeks and I felt insanely guilty about having failed at not being able to keep him in longer, and I had a hard time letting go of the pregnancy.  Know that it gets easier with time. 

My DS also had reflux, which he finally grew out of just a month ago.  So it does get better...there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  It is definitely just a phase! 

And DS never took well to the breast, so I had to pump as well to give him BM...it was really hard for me to accept not being able to traditionally BF.  I wanted to throw the towel in shortly after he came home...I pushed myself and made it another 6 weeks (I pumped for 12 weeks total), which I felt good about it.  Don't drive yourself crazy...the fact that he's already gotten some BM is better than none!

jcsntms06

Welcome Megan! Congratulations on the birth of your little guy.