Going back to work..

meli1025

So my original plan was to go back this past Monday, but hurricane Sandy threw a wrench into that.  I am thankful that my boss has been so supportive and understanding through this horrible time and has allowed me to ease my way back in.  So, I'm working from home the rest of this week and showing my face again on Monday.  I am SO anxious and nervous about seeing everyone.  How did you all deal with the first day back?  Any advice?  I'm so afraid that I'm going to break down and cry and I have never ever let anyone see me cry at work before. 

starburst0928

I go back Friday, but have visited once and have had lunch with many coworkers in the past month. I was VERY nervous to see everyone again, but it went really well. Everyone's work dynamic is a bit different though...

This is the approach I took: Everyone in my department was super curious about Bradley so we just talked and looked at pictures for several hours. It was great to share everything so they know what I've been through so if they see me in tears in my cube it's not awkward! Many of my coworkers (men and women) were is tears during my story too. 

So I guess my advice would be to be open if you are comfortable with it. It'll make work easier for both you and your coworkers because I bet they are nervous to see you too! If you break down and cry, who cares!!! You lost your child! If you get weird looks, just be a brat and ask if any of them have lost their child. What we ladies are going through is unimaginable. If someone judges us for crying at work, then I would think they are not a good person.  

tuscanbride2007

I actually had lunch with my boss a couple of weeks before going back to the office. It was good to see him and he talked about how he was preparing the people on my floor that I dealt with a regular basis. He and another co-worker spread the word that I was coming back to work and to just try to treat me normal, kind of a "good to see you" not "how are you doing?"  He also told me to come in when I was ready and if I needed to leave, I could just go. It was nice to have that support. I started back on either a Tuesday or Wednesday so that I didn't have to try and get through a full week.

I'm not going to lie, it was a hard few days. I am lucky to have an office with a door, so I was a hermit for the first few weeks. I felt safe behind my desk rather than roaming around running into people that might not have known or that wanted to talk to me.

I also don't like to cry at work. When I felt like I was going to cry, I either closed my office door or bee-lined it to the bathroom.

 Be gentle with yourself. ((HUGS))

 

Bayberry12

I just want to wish you good luck when you go back.  I'm sure it will be hard.  If you cry, you cry.  If you can't stay all day, go home early.  

I'll be thinking of you. 

meli1025

J&J09:

I haven't gone back to work yet, but I went to go sign some paperwork for my leave since it was unexpected. I saw a few people and burst into tears. They were very supportive. Take it slow. Is there any way to see a few people at a time so it's not so overwhelming? I will probably be heading back to work on Monday, if my doctor clears me and I totally feel you about the anxiety. One day at a time, right?  I'll be sending positive thoughts and vibes to you on Monday. 

Thank you.  Maybe if I go in early enough people will trickle in and I will deal with seeing them slowly.  Otherwise I literally have to walk past everyone to get to my desk.  I just broke my silence for the first time in a month via email.  It sucks that you had to go in and sign paperwork, I think if I would've gone in any sooner I would've burst into tears too.  Keep me posted if you go back in on Monday also and I'll be sending you positive thoughts as well.  

dandywarhol

It is understandable that you are anxious and nervous about returning to work.  

Be prepared for people to 1) say stupid things 2) say comforting things or 3) say nothing. Some of my co-workers were very supportive and many stopped in my office to check in on me and tell me they were sorry.  Others couldn't do that and I tried not to fault them for it. People are uncomfortable dealing with death and even more so when it is a baby. 

You might want to send an e-mail to your boss or to a co-worker telling them how you want to be dealt with. People don't know how to behave in this situation so providing them some direction can help you all feel more comfortable. If you want people to talk to you about it (which I recommend even though it will make you feel sad) let people know that you are ok talking about it. Many people "don't want to make you feel sad" when they don't realize that you are going to be sad either way and it can be nice for people to recognize your loss and that you are hurting.   

I returned to work two weeks after my loss at 21w and one week after my loss at 16w. It was hard but wasn't awful. It is good that your boss has been supportive and understanding of your loss. It might be helpful to speak with him/her regarding your return to work and mention that you would appreciate some flexibility with your scheduling in case you need to leave early or take a long break during the day. Having that flexibility helped relieve some of the pressure for me. I also, based on another Loss mom's recommendation, gave my self permission to leave work if I had 3 bad cries while at work. This also relieved some pressure from thinking I had to stay and endure when really all I wanted was to be home, under the covers.  

I was worried about others seeing me cry but I realized there is nothing wrong with others knowing that I was so sad over my loss. If other's can't handle your crying then that is their issue.

I'll be thinking about you tomorrow. As always, be gentle with yourself. Do what you can do and don't be afraid to leave work or take a break if you need to. 

Sweet&Salty11

No real advice for you, meli, as today is my first day. Just wanted to let you know that I'm anxious and nervous too. I did go in last week to say hi and get some of the awkward questions out of the way. It went way better than expected. Everyone was so nice and happy to see me. I teared up a couple times when people said they were sorry to hear about the baby, but I just turned my head and took a few breaths to regain my composure. Try to enjoy your last few days at home (easier said than done). Good luck on Monday! 

Sweet&Salty11

J&J09:

Bump burp

J&J - what's a bump burp? Sorry, I'm sure it's a newbie question. 

jbranden12

I went back to work 10 days after Patricia was born. It was difficult, but a couple of things made it easier. One was that I allowed an email to go out which let everyone know about Patricia's birth. This way, I didn't have to explain to anyone what happened. My coworkers welcomed be back with open arms. Some gave cards, some said they were sorry for my loss, some asked more questions about Patricia which I loved, and some didn't say anything at all which hurt the most but I expected that. But I did let people know that I was thinking about her every second of every day, so they shouldn't be afraid to mention it.

Another thing that helped was that I went back part time for the first two weeks. I was able to catch up on my work but wasn't forced to sit around waiting for 5pm to come. It gave me a few hours to focus on something else, then I could go back to my bubble of grief. 

The first few weeks, I spent a little time almost every day crying in the bathroom. So I suggest if you don't have your own office, seek out a space where you can go to let it out. When the grief boiled up in me, I had to let it out or I would be on the verge of tears for hours.

((hugs)). Let us know how it goes!

lolee465

I went back to work after only two weeks, and worked part time for the first two weeks back. I think it helped to ease myself into it, but it's still been hard. My only advice is that if you have to cry, cry! I still cry a lot...just yesterday a coworker came over just to ask how I was doing and I lost it. People understand and if they don't..who cares?! I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers..good luck on your first day back.

 

lolee465

Sweet&Salty11:

J&J09:

Bump burp

J&J - what's a bump burp? Sorry, I'm sure it's a newbie question. 

 

I've seen this a lot, and have always wondered too!

OSUWifey09

I went back to work five weeks ago, and my first day was hard. My bosses forced me to take several small breaks throughout the day, and they were OK with me pulling away to cry [which I did several times that day]. But I stayed busy, they stayed supportive, and it wound up not being as bad as I thought. The anxiety of going back and facing the real world again was much worse than actually going back; I hope it's the same way for you, too.

OSUWifey09

I will say that I went in to my office twice before actually going back, so I got all the tears and questions out of the way before I went back. My academic unit is small - only four other people - and my boss had been awesome enough to send a general email out to those we work with telling them that I had a loss and that I was doing OK, but I wanted my privacy. I've been at my university - either as a student or an employee - for eight years, so I know a lot of people, and a lot of people knew what happened within a week after my loss.

Since coming back though, things haven't really been that bad. I got over the sympathy look and hugs real quick, but I knew people were just concerned. I never got any prying questions, which was good. I've been lucky to have a great, supportive office around me to help my transition back to work.