Intro. Long and ramble-ish.

ThereBeDragons

I don't even know how to introduce myself. Hi, I'm Bekah, also known as Dragon (Hence the username) and I have only the barest of filters when it comes to talking about what happened so forgive me if I get too detailed. I can filter it to the polite and comfortable way of saying it first. We lost our baby at 17 weeks. It was horrific and traumatizing and I still have nightmares every time I close my eyes.

We don't know why, and we don't know how. We know that he had a strong healthy heartbeat and we know that my cervix was closed high and tight when I saw the midwife (complaining of wave like cramping and mucous-y discharge) on Friday at 2pm. We know that my water broke while I was dry heaving in the kitchen sink at 11pm that same Friday. We know that he was born at 1:05am on Saturday in the labor and delivery triage room. We know that no one except me and the on call doctor believed that my water had broken or that I was feeling actual contractions until my baby was already delivered.

I got to hold him. Rocked him and told him how much I loved him.

I didn't expect how hard the actual process would be- delivering my son was painfully easy. Delivering the placenta took hours. And now, insult to injury- my milk is coming in. Something I had only vaguely heard about- and which hadn't been mentioned by my doctors at all. So I've spent the past day googling how to make my breasts behave and it seems there's no quick answer.

I'm just so tired of being the rarity. It's bad enough to be infertile and have our only option be IVF for a biological child. It's bad enough to have the treatments fail ... then to have an early loss... and then more failures. But this was supposed to be our miracle. We made it to the second trimester. Everything was supposed to be okay.

And I don't know how to be okay with this new reality. I don't know how to be okay with holding my angel in my arms but never taking him home. I don't want to be here.... but I'm also tired of being the brave one who endures in silence. So I guess here is where I need to be for a little while.

Hi.

LuckEinLuv

I hate to welcome anyone, but you have joined an amazing, supportive group of women. If you need to be graphic, be graphic. If you need to vent and "scream", go ahead. We are here for you whether you are sharing a wonderful memory or a string of curses. None of us want to be here, but are glad we are here for each other.

Sweet&Salty11

Hi Bekah,

I'm so sorry for your losses and the hard road you've traveled. I'm glad you broke your silence. It's been much better for me ever since I broke mine. The ladies here are supportive and knowledgeable. Feel free to lean on us for whatever, whenever. 

Re: your milk coming in. That sucks balls. I'm sorry. Been there, hated it. Yet another reminder of what was supposed to be...I just wore the tightest sports bras I could squeeze on, sometimes two at a time. I also put ice packs on my boobs and took ibuprofen or any anti-inflamm. It took about a week for the discomfort to go away. The first 3 days were the hardest.

*Disclaimer: I never tried the following suggestion. I came across it after my milk had gone away.* Fill a basin with warm water, let your boobs hang in it and massage the breast tissue closest to your chest wall/rib cage (not near your nipples). I know, I know. EVERYONE says not to express milk because it encourages production, but this source (my angel babies organization) explained that nipple stimulation is what causes the production, not breast stimulation. Maybe something to check with your OB? I just remember wanting to rip my boobs off my chest, so if massage is okay, it may provide some relief. Good luck.

starburst0928

So sorry for your loss and everything you've been through.

Ramble and vent as much as you need to! That's what we're here for! 

lolee465

I'm so so sorry for the loss of your baby boy. I hate to have to welcome you here, it's a place no one wants to be. In the first few weeks after my loss it helped me just to read through some of the other posts..it helped to know I wasn't alone and that everything I was feeling was normal.

Carolee

Siggy Warning

 

 

 

 

 

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your son.  My heart breaks that you're joining us on this board, but I hope you'll be able to find support here. 

OSUWifey09

Hi Bekah - I am so, so sorry to welcome you here and so sorry for the loss of your baby boy. As the others have said, it sucks to welcome you here, but we are here for you to vent. We all unfortunately understand what it's like to be in your shoes, and I just hope that we can help you in any possible way. *hugs*

meli1025

Bekah,

 

i am so sorry for the loss of your baby boy and for everything you are feeling right now.  You have come to a great support group and the ladies here are amazing.  I lost my daughter at 19 weeks one month ago and we have no idea why or how, her heart just stopped beating.  Please allow yourself to do whatever you need to do to grieve.  Cry, scream, talk about it, anything that will make you feel better.  I also wish we did not have to welcome you to this board.  Sending ((hugs)).

Melissa 

dandywarhol

I'm so sorry to have to welcome you to this sad club but please know that we are here for you however you may need us. You don't need to be brave in silence. You lost your son that is awful and traumatic. It is ok if you wan the world to hear your pain and to hear your son's name and that you are devastated by his death. 

 

tuscanbride2007

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son and to have to welcome you to this club. The ladies on here are truly amazing and are such a support. I hope you will come here and post when you need to.

 ((HUGS))

In regards to your milk coming in, for a natural remedy, you might want to try sage drops. They really helped me.

jbranden12

*ticker*

 

 

Bekah, I am so sorry for the loss of your baby boy. Though I haven't posted on the April 2013 board, I was following your story and I am so very sad that you have to join us here. I hope you can find some comfort and support here among women who understand. Post as often or as little as you need to, but we are always here for you.

mdluv21

Hey sweetie -just wanted to say again how sorry I am.  Late loss after IF is cruel bitter thing.  I am not sure I will ever get over all the anger I have about what has been taken from me and how much my heart had to endure.

 Bags of frozen peas helped when my milk came in...and luckily they had sent me home with Vicodin.

weddedwife

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your son. I lost my son last year at 22w4d. They have no idea why I suddenly went into labor; he died during the delivery.

We have seen and heard it all around here. This is a very accepting board and nothing you can say will shock or scare us. Say what you need to say- it's ok.

The fact is, your life is different after a late loss and it always will be. It takes time- sometimes a lot of time- to adjust to the new life you have. Anger, resentment, bitterness- unfortunately it's all part of the process. I'm over a year out from my loss now and I still have some anger and bitterness about certain things.

Please come here anytime you like; we are listening.