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Need replies please help me open my eyes!
I found a receipt to a lawyer office for 350$. And my bf was confronted. He says it was just a consult and that was the only visit, and if he wanted to have a lawyer the fee would be 5,000$. I am so hurt and disgusted and deceived. I know he has to have a lawyer right? Fuxked up thing is we are still together and he has hidden this from me. I bet his parents told him to see a custody lawyer. He said he wanted to know his rights if we ended up breaking up. Does any of this make sense? I let him see his son on weekends. Our relationship has gone downhill. He works all the time. And so he isn't really around. I think he is super sneaky to do this to me. Does anyone think I should leave him for doing this to me? I'm so confused.
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Re: Need replies please help me open my eyes!
Actually, what he did was just covering his back side. Currently the two of you are still together, but seems to have soured. He is just trying to prepare himself in case the two of you can't work out your issues.
Instead of taking this as super sneaky, take this as a wake up call. Can your relationship be salvaged? Can the two of you make your relationship work or is it too late and the two of you need to find out how you can be good parents to your son and work it out without getting the courts involved. Since when you take personal issues like this to court everyone loses since the child gets his own lawyer and the courts will decide what is best for him with no regard to either parent.
So you guys are together but he only sees his kid on the weekends? What?
Okay I'll bite.
He is doing is exactly what I would have done BEFORE my kid was born if I wasn't married to my wife. He is protecting his rights as a father. His relationship as a father should be more important to him than his relationship as your boyfriend. Sorry.
Hell, I would have lawyered up long before the kid was born. I mean, what do you expect? You are young, not married, and now a child. As the father of the child I would make sure that my rights are protected. Again, you are not married, so what is he supposed to do?
Let him see his son on the weekend....REALLY???
And now you get all dramatic when that fact alone should send a red flag up for any father?? If my son was in your boyfriends shoes, I would certainly tell him to lawyer up! Sounds like he has good parents actually.
Personally, I think you are looking for any excuse to leave him. This might just be the most attractive trigger for you at this time to actually do it.
If I were you I would be more upset if he was some deadbeat dad who didn't care about his rights as a father. Sounds like he cares enough about his child to look into things, and you twist it to make it about you and him and the "relationship"? Shame!!
As you sit there in your own ego, chances are he is the one who actually wants out. I think you just want to beat him to the punch.
Sure it can cost that much pending on the lawyer for a consult. $350 is actually pretty cheap. When my BIL just went through some custody issues with his GF, he had to pay a $1000 retainer fee for his lawyer and currently owes about $4000 in lawyer fees. It was worth it because his lawyer was able to ensure his BSC ex girlfriend couldn't deny him time with his son.
And yes, you should also consult a lawyer if you think it will go that path.
I understand that you are just venting about the situation and feel free to vent away. But you are not married. You need to start living your life as a single mother and planning for that. You need to start protecting yourself and your rights just as your boyfriend is.
Good luck.
I second the bolded part....playing house is just that, playing. Having a child changes that because now that playing is over and replaced by a family in the house.
You are not married. But just because you are the mother does not mean that the father is left with no rights to be with his child. That is why I am puzzled that you would be so upset that he was looking at his options. Promises mean nothing until there is a ring on that finger, and even then it takes hard work and committment.
The most important thing is the child. The two of you certainly need to spend some serious time talking about this. Obviously you are very upset about it. And he obviously felt a need to look into his legal standing in this situation. Now is the time to really test out the communication skills between the two of you. That is what a relationship is, and regardless of the hurt feelings, the two of you have to talk this through to a conclusion. If you cannot work through this, there is no way a marriage would work, as that requires this kind of heavy duty communication each and everyday.
This does not need to be the battle that lawyers and the like force it to be at times. Talk as loving, caring parents of your child. When it gets heated, take a break and spend some time with the baby to re-focus on what is really important. And also, why is it that he only gets to see the kid on the weekends? If that was me, I would be furious that I was not able to see my child whenever I want to.
But I am married......I live with my kid and wife. This is something the two of you really need to work out soon. If not, both of you will go down a road that is costly and full of drama and pain.
He is perfectly within his rights to consult a lawyer in case things go south. Seeing that you already referred to his visitation of his son on weekends as "you LET him see him", he probably wanted to ensure that if things were to go the way of a breakup that he would still have legal rights to see his son and you couldn't revoke your "letting" him see his own son.
You don't sound like you are all that thrilled with being with him by the little you shared with us, he's never around and apparently are having issues and may have some trust issues if you are thinking that exploring his legal rights is sneaky. If you think the relationship has gone downhill, he's probably picked up on that too.
Yes, you should probably also seek a lawyer consult, because, if you can't solve your problems amicably, should a breakup ensue (and it sounds like it is going to soon)... he has legal rights to see his son, and you have legal rights to receive support and to make sure that the visitation agreement is fair for both sides.
Considering you aren't married and it's his money, you really can't try to control what your bf does with his time. I'm sorry you and your bf aren't getting along, but it's totally legitimate for him to see a lawyer and understand his rights as a father. The courts typically are not kind to men in custody disputes.
If you want to leave him, by all means, leave him. But it's kind of silly if *this* was the reason. You two do need to have a long talk about what you both want and what would be best for your child.
Amen!!!! If you guys are to have any little glimmer of hope at all, it starts with talking to one another honestly and openly...with active listening, as my wife always says.
I am a mother and expecting my 2nd so sorry men for intruding but I found this interesting. I think your concerns are Stupid!!! I think that if he went for a consult to protect himself then GOOD FOR HIM! That shows that he gives a damn about his kid and being a Dad is more that a title to him! BRAVO! and I mean that with all sincerity. Be thankful in knowing that regardless of what happens to your relationship (which BTW 4 years in your 30's, should have *** or gotten off the pot a while ago) I would take comfort in the fact that your Baby is going to have a father that cares!
My 5.5 year old has a dead beat for a father whom I have begged to be a part of her life since I left him when she was 4 days old because he was using drugs! He has continued to show me that everything is more important than she is! Now let me ask you this....If he had come to you and presented his concerns and told you he was going to speak with an attorney to discuss his rights....How would you have acted????
Court is an expensive Bit** and a lot of the time is unnecessary. See a counselor or a preacher first before anyone makes any rash choices! It is no longer about you or him!
OK, not trying to be rude or judgemental, but here is what I read in your post.
You and your boyfriend don't get along or trust each other. He feels so much distrust that he needs a lawyer. If you hope to stay together with him, I would seriously open my ears and listen to what he is saying. Don't look for a fight, but listen to what his issues are, and have an open, honest, but CALM talk about how to resolve the differences. Based SOLELY on what you wrote, it sounds like you are quite confrontational and argumentative. If you want to save the relationship, you need to change this. (I am NOT saying he is innocent.)
You "generously" let your son see his father on weekends? NO! No matter what happens, they deserve and need to see each other anytime. The only thing coming from the current setup will be resentment. Let your son see his dad.
It sounds like there are numerous major issues here, and if you want to stay together, you need to get some help to calmly talk through them.
There is nothing sneaky about seeking an attorney's advice - but under the circumstances - he was obviously keeping that fact from you so there wouldn't be an argument about it. He needs to be informed and that is how you get informed.
Try having a calm and rational conversation with him regarding your concerns - but frankly - your fears and your lack of communication skills - make having a rational conversation seem more difficult - it is only a matter of time and you need to take CONTROL of what direction you want to take this relationship - not with each other - but with your son - because that is the only relationship you guys will have with one another that has any chance of being a healthy one - good luck