Is this normal grief?

Jennifer271012

It's been 9 days and as each day passes I find myself dealing with obsessive thoughts.

I suffer from an anxiety disorder and since the time I was very little my obsessive nature is what got me through some of the most difficult times of my life.

Currently, I'm obsessed with weight loss/healthy living and preparing my body for the time when we're ready to TTC again. I find myself wanting to overhaul my entire lifestyle and better myself for the next time. Simultaneously, I'm obsessed with when we can TTC again. I read for hours and hours about fertility, Incompetent Cervix and positive outcomes.

DH told me to "stop reading" last night and to just grieve the loss of our angels. Although I cry most of the day (it comes in waves) the distraction that my obsessions are providing are giving me some relief from the heartache I'm suffering. I guess that's the whole point right?

Anyone else? 

karebear57

I am so sorry for the loss of your lil girls Jianna and Emma. It is hardest at the beginning. When we lost Bri I was obsessed with being on dr.google to see why this could have happened, how I could prevent it from happening again and I window shopped for baby loss/remembrance jewelry and the such (that I never did buy, thank goodness or else we'd be totally broke!) Everyone grieves differently, there's no wrong way to miss your babies. I'm a closeted depressed so I just sat on the couch all day, not even eating, just sitting and crying constantly.

This board has been really helpful. The women here have been so wonderful and caring. I don't know where I'd be without them. We are here for you whenever you need us, anytime. ((hugs)) I am truly sorry for your loss. 

starburst0928

Not knowing to what extent your doing things, I'd say its normal. I've also spent countless hours on google figuring out when we can TTC again, and the pro/cons to waiting longer vs not waiting. I've also been very uptight about my weight, trying to get down to my prepregnancy weight so we can try again sooner. I've also spent hours reading about what the best/worst foods are when your pregnant, even though I essentially already know.

So yes, I understand what you are going through. I wouldn't call what I'm doing grieving though... I think I do these things to distract me from my grief.  

You're not alone!!! 

jbranden12

My mantra is that there is no normal in grief. However, I also became focused on weight loss and healthy living right after our loss. DH and I agreed that we wanted to TTC again as soon as possible, and I wanted to be in the best shape possible before that. I was determined to NOT turn to alcohol or food to make myself feel better. I planned 3 meals and 3 snacks per day (all balanced with protein and carbs), and walked every day with DH. I counted my calories on a website and tracked my exercise. During my pregnancy I only gained 9 lbs, but by the time we were ready to TTC again I was 7-8 lbs below my pre-pregnancy weight. 

I'm glad I did this. I don't think it kept me from grieving because I felt like I was doing it for Patricia and her future siblings. I didn't want her to be responsible for causing damage to my physical health, and I wanted her siblings to have a healthy mom.

Jennifer271012

jbranden12:

My mantra is that there is no normal in grief. However, I also became focused on weight loss and healthy living right after our loss. DH and I agreed that we wanted to TTC again as soon as possible, and I wanted to be in the best shape possible before that. I was determined to NOT turn to alcohol or food to make myself feel better. I planned 3 meals and 3 snacks per day (all balanced with protein and carbs), and walked every day with DH. I counted my calories on a website and tracked my exercise. During my pregnancy I only gained 9 lbs, but by the time we were ready to TTC again I was 7-8 lbs below my pre-pregnancy weight. 

I'm glad I did this. I don't think it kept me from grieving because I felt like I was doing it for Patricia and her future siblings. I didn't want her to be responsible for causing damage to my physical health, and I wanted her siblings to have a healthy mom.

this exactly... 

Jennifer271012

J&J09:

I totally agree, there is no normal in grieving.  And Jennifer, I too am obsessing about getting back in shape and getting my body ready to carry another baby.  I have also been researching about why my little girl became an angel. I am not sure if we will ever have an answer.  

Were the docs able to give you any insight into your loss? 

lolee465

I think it's totally normal. I obsessively research incompetent cervix treatments and outcomes. I look at my fertility tracker a hundred times a day, even though I haven't even gotten AF to be able to try this cycle. I definitely use it as a distraction from my grief..focusing on something helps me get through the day.

I wish I was obsessed with weight loss/ healthy living...I was before I was pregnant and since my loss I just haven't cared about going to the gym. I haven't eaten horribly, but I haven't lost any of my pregnancy weight...yesterday was my first day back to the gym. It felt good.

suziahlf

I am thinking of you and your family.

i want to reiterate the other posters comments by saying that your grief is normal for you.  As long as no harm comes to you or the people around you, the road you follow is for you and your partner.  Not anyone else.

My road started in mid September and six weeks later (and every day) I feel more and more myself.  Better yet, I feel like my Hub and I are moving forward.  I want to tell you about bits of my road.....

the first two weeks were the hardest.  I couldn't sleep.  I had no appetite.  I searched endlessly for answers and solace.  To get to sleep, I obsessed over every minute of my hospital stay.  When I had accounted for every minute, I started to obsess over my future life and the things that I wanted.... A baby brother or sister for the beautiful baby we lost... A romantic get away with my hub.... Then, it changed again and in order to ground myself, I started to think of the happiness I have had in my life... My hub, our family and friends... Fun things we have done.  Now, nearly seven weeks later, I am not struggling for sleep as much.  I am thankful for that.

 Looking back, the one thing that I wish I would have kept in mind is that your hormones are absolutely nuts right now.  Take your time on your own road with this.  Surround yourself with love and support.   This group of women is a good place to start.  (Hug)

Sweet&Salty11

suziahlf:

i want to reiterate the other posters comments by saying that your grief is normal for you.  As long as no harm comes to you or the people around you, the road you follow is for you and your partner.  Not anyone else.

I second the above quote. If obsessive thoughts are your coping mechanism, we are certainly not here to judge. It's only when they become harmful to you or your relationships that some redirection may be helpful. I think it's human nature for us to grasp at anything we can control in our lives after having gone through something totally out of our control.

I also longed to feel another baby inside of me because that was my last connection to my son. The only time I ever felt him move was in the womb. Something I had to work through before I was comfortable thinking about TTC was being able to separate my son from a new baby. Logically, I know that a new baby will  never bring back my son or replace him, but there is an emotional component that makes it hard to distinguish between the two. It just took time and true, honest, hard grieving to get there. 

jess123456

I wish I could give you a hug in real life. You are not alone in feeling that way. For me, losing weight and watching what I eat and researching about TTC seems to be the only things I think I can control. I am a bit of a control freak so I guess that has been my way of coping with the out of my control nature of losing my daughter.

I have been working hard on not constantly thinking that the worst will happened but that is very hard to do as well.

Please know that you aren't alone. At this point I also imagine that your hormones levels are all over the place so that doesn't help either. I encourage you to visit this site as often as you wish because it has helped me to have the support of ladies who understand.

weddedwife

Totally normal! I felt the same way. Think about it, you had already made the decision to have a baby. You were already on that path and got suddenly and horribly derailed. It's only natural to think about having another baby.

I found that after a month or two, the TTC feelings lessened just slightly, enough for me to realize I needed a bit more time and that what was best for my body and the best possible outcome for any future baby, was to wait a bit longer. I spent those next few months getting in shape.

That said, DO take time to fully grieve for these children. Feel sad, cry, deeply mourn this loss. Once you get pg again the anxiety kicks in and you have less time to grieve. Then you feel guilty you're not grieving as much. It's kind of a vicious cycle.

I'm sorry for your losses. Huge hugs.

nuttycoconut

I also felt the same way. I lost twins 11 months ago due to IC.  I felt so helpless and the only thing I could do to regain control was to research. I had to go through ivf so I needed to know when I could go back for another round, and how many embryos I should transfer.  

I also knew there was a chance of twins again so I obsessed about my incompetent cervix and how I could make sure I carried my next baby/babies to term. I was off from work for 9 weeks and spent the majority of that time researching.

I feel as though it helped get me through the grief. It gave me hope again. I believe that I learned a lot and was able to make the best decisions for my family, find the best doctors, and make a plan for our future. So far, everything has been perfect and I'm hoping to take home my rainbows 10 weeks from today. 

My heart aches for you. I'm so sorry you are going through this. ((Hugs)) 

fluttergirlmoonchild79

I always say, whenever you're asking yourself if this is "normal" in terms of grief, the answer is always yes.  Nothing is odd or strange.  We are all going through the worst and whatever you do to get through it is ok.  The important thing is that you are going through the process of grief. 

I too obsessed about health, weight, etc. in the beginning.  It went away after a while and now I'm back to obsessing again.  Just got back from vacation and haven't stepped on the scale yet but I already know it's not good.  That changes now.  I just feel like I need to do everything I can to give my next child a full life.