Anyone else feeling angry?

Sweet&Salty11

I just looked through all of Kai's photos and am feeling overwhelming sadness combined with rising anger. It's a bad combination, I know. My heart goes out to the moms facing difficult dates and anniversaries right now. I don't have an excuse; I'm just angry. 

The only pictures of my kids together shouldn't be at my son's grave. I shouldn't have to struggle to answer the question: how many kids do you have?. When picking out a picture of my son, I shouldn't be thinking about which one looks less dead. My only real part of my son that I have shouldn't be a lock of his hair, from a head that I will never hold or stroke again. 

I'm angry that the first decisions I had to make for Kai were whether or not to cremate him, which funeral home to use, and how and where to bury him. I'm angry that instead of taking my son trick-or-treating, all I could do was leave a pumpkin at his grave. I'm angry that everything I do from here on out is not with my son, but only in remembrance of him.

I'm angry that we are all meeting under these circumstances. I'm angry that some of us have had to bury our children. I'm angry that we will never have carefree pregnancies again. I'm sorry if this is too negative for some, but I had to get it out. Feel free to contribute anything you're feeling angry about. Hugs all around. 

starburst0928

Yes!!!!!!!!! Our stories are all a bit different, but we all lost our babies. I understand what you mean in your post because I am going through the same thing right now and having the same thoughts. I don't have any advice, just wanted to say I'm going through the same thing. I know what we are feeling is a normal reaction to what happened.

I'm sorry you're having all those thoughts right now. It absolutely sucks.  

starburst0928

I guess since you opened it up for anger contributions I'll throw some out there.

1. I'm mad that the only time I saw my son in his adorable take home outfit was when he was in his casket.

2. I'm mad that the only home movies I have of my son are from an elective 3D ultrasound that we got.

3. I'm mad that I have a nursery full of things but no baby. I'm also mad that there are tons of babies in nurseries with inadequate things.

4. I'm mad that people keep putting stuff on his grave. It's my son, let me dress up his grave how I want it to look.

jrebele

Agreed!  It is so hard not to feel angry all the time.  I hate the people that tell me that "At least you have one" like my loss of Sophia is not as important because her sister Eva survived.  I am angry for all those reasons you said and more.  It is overwhelming sometimes.  

Jennifer271012

yes.

It's 7 days today that we lost our girls.

I'm angry that the only decisions I ever had to make with them was funeral preparations.

I'm angry that I was left with zero options and that my body failed my gorgeous babies.

I'm angry that women have been encouraging me by saying "you'll have another kid someday". NOTHING will bring my babies back... nothing...

 

butterfly2119

Yes, I get angry every now and again. I can even be happy in the beginning of the day and super angry at night. I hate how there's nothing I can possibly do to make this better. I still think it's impossible to keep moving on knowing I'll never see her again. You just get better over the months at hiding it better.

normajeane6126

I'm angry that every doctor & surgeon we spoke to told us, "Your son will be okay." In fact, on the day that Isaiah died, the u/s tech from the cardiologist's office came to the hospital & I sobbed/yelled on his shoulder, "You told me he would be fine." I know it's no one's fault & no one could have foreseen the complications from surgery, but it still stings.

Bayberry12

There were times I was so overwhelmed with anger, it was scary.  I was, and at times I still am, angry about everything.  Sometimes I go into our half packed up nursery and feel so angry that I have all these baby things and no child to use them, other times I don't feel anything.    

It comes with the grief, it normal, but it feels awful.     

Sweet&Salty11

Thank you all for sharing. Thanks also for being supportive on a bad day for me. I know it's not easy and sometimes it seems counterproductive to be angry, but I usually feel better after I've "voiced" my thoughts. Hope everyone is having a better day.

buggirl72

Sweet&Salty11:

Thank you all for sharing. Thanks also for being supportive on a bad day for me. I know it's not easy and sometimes it seems counterproductive to be angry, but I usually feel better after I've "voiced" my thoughts. Hope everyone is having a better day.

(((Hugs))) I have not hit anger (other than the complete sense of unfairness) yet over Zachary's death but I know it is a normal stage of grief. It is not counterproductive in the sense that it shows your are healing, even if it really does not feel like it. I agree with you about feeling better after "voicing" my thoughts. I hope you are feeling better now. 

Sweet&Salty11

buggirl - thanks for the support. I am feeling better now. Just needed to air my dirty laundry and move on with my day You know, I could probably have replaced all of the "I'm angry" and "shouldn't" from my original post with "It's unfair....". Because you're right. It's just so dang unfair.

If anger is healthy for you, I hope you get to go through it. When I'm angry, I come up with some really awesome things in my head that I wish I could say to people. Thank goodness for filters.