Attachment Parenting

Separation Anxiety

Sorry if this has been discussed recently, I was more active here a few months ago and now I just hang out at my month board but I need your perspective now.

DS is 17 months and going through a really bad phase of separation anxiety. I stay home during the day and work part time and part time in school but whenever I'm away from home DS is either with my mom or DH. we cosleep so we are together almost every second of the day. I had decided to go to the gym during the day and started bringing him to the gym's day care and gradually increasing time (intervals of 10 minutes). He was having a melt down every time it was really bad. People were telling me things like "he'll get over it" "just leave him there" "leave him more often with other people". But reason number one for me quiting my full time was so he wouldn't have to be with anybody else.

So things got even worse because he would start having a melt down before we would even go inside the gym. At home I can't even go to the next room, without him following me with this terror look in his face and crying. We share our home with my parents and he loves them but if I'm home he won't even let them touch him he only wants mommy. God forbid I say the words "mommy will be right back" he starts screaming.

I feel awful and guilty. But I thought AP kids have a "healthy attachment"? I thought I was going to have that easy going, friendly, secure toddler. Sigh.

Re: Separation Anxiety

  • My LO is only a year old, but he goes through phases of wanting to be very close to me at all times (i.e., will not play independently with toys, wants to be held/carried/touching me at all times). He also has very confident, independent phases where I find myself feeling a little left out because he is so happily playing by himself...though I try not to interrupt him when he is happy. ;)

    From what I understand, this sort of behavior is completely normal, and they grow in and out of it. Can you wear him to make him feel more secure when you're at home and out? Also, is it possible to leave him with someone rather than take him to the gym? Maybe there is something about that environment that he doesn't like...

    Good luck! I know the ladies here can share valuable experience/advice!

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  • My 2 1/2 year old will still occasionally follow me room to room, or call out frantically when he loses track of me while playing independently :) I didn't leave him with anyone but DH until he was 15m, and then it was grandma & auntie.  He does love the church nursery now, but even that took several weeks of me playing with him in there before he was okay without me.  He'll often wander off to play with other kids now at group functions or on a playground, but I stay within sight & he'll still check in visually.  I want him to trust & know that I'm there when he needs me, so I never pushed him away, forced separation, or let him "cry it out" except when he was with Daddy, and then it never lasted long (they adore each other :). I still see signs of separation anxiety from time to time, but his independent spirit takes over more often than not these days!
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  • Maybe try reading the No Cry Separation Anxiety Solution? I haven't read it, but it might help. Also, I know that just from my own experience as a kid with a stay at home mom, she was not able to leave me with strangers without me melting down until I was 3, but I had no issues after that point. I think some kids just have a harder time than others with strangers. 
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  • Supernormal phase. It will pass. My son has gone through this a couple of times...wearing him more often seemed to help him chill out a bit but both times the phase lasted more than a few months. Don't worry, he will be welladjusted! Hang in there!
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