I find myself choosing between the lesser of two evils

caliblondieus

We are just coming off a failed IVF with PGS which was the end for us. But I have been running an adoption support group for awhile, and thinking of adoption concurrently so we've been in the adoption space more than 6 months now.

I find myself having SUCH a hard time deciding between foster-to-adopt and IDA because all my mind does is see pain that seems imminent. The pain that we will have some children placed with us in the foster situation but not be able to adopt them and have them leave OR the pain that a birth mother will not work out or we will have to go through a couple of bad situations before we are united with a child that is meant to be ours. It feels as though I'm trying to choose between the lesser of the two pains!

Even if you weren't deciding between foster and domestic infant, how did you work enough through those fears of pain to move forward?

I know it's all a process and so different for everyone but I do appreciate your thoughts. Some times someone will give you that nugget of info that just changes your perspective!

Cali

ellekae

First, I am so sorry for your struggle and losses. I always hate to see that so many of the ladies on this board have struggles so intensely with IF and loss. It completely breaks my heart.

I don't know if there is a right way to work through the fears... like you said, it's different for everyone. For us, it was a matter of accepting the pain as part of the story. We know that we have to mourn the losses and deal with the pain that are specific to our situation. For me, the biggest struggle I have right now is the loss of having another baby... since we switched from DIA to IA (toddler).

When we were in the DIA program, I made a checklist of the steps that needed to happen to bring our baby home. I included five matches, allowing for four failed matches in the process. Somehow, it helped me to acknowledge the potential for heartbreak, but also recognize that there would be a happy ending.

Even though we didn't end up following that original plan, it brought us to where we are now.

So sorry you are struggling! Praying for you guys!!

Dr.Loretta

We're weird--we were either too weird or too naive to think about it much. We told our SW that we would be upset but not devastated if a match fell through, and she just nodded and looked at us like, "You have no idea." It worked out for us--we were matched post-birth after 3 months of waiting, and had no issues with anyone changing their minds. But I remember DH holding DD for the first time and saying, "She can't leave us. Ever."

I did see an interesting web show today about the pain of losing foster/adopted kids. Someone made a good point: they WANT you to be someone who attaches to the child who is with you. That makes you a good parent.

Just some food for thought.

Foster1Mom

To me it came down to knowing that there are kids coming into FC that needed homes. Our home might be temporary but God brings them to us for whatever amount of time because they need us at that time. After having our first two in our house I am 100% sure we made the right decision. I won't lie, being a foster parent is HARD. It is hard listening to parents lie about hurting a baby, it's hard having people in and out of the house. It is all worth it though when you see the kids happy and healthy. We might not get to keep them forever but our forever kids are out there. It is just a matter of time on when we meet them or if we have met them.

Allie-Jo

I get it.  We toyed with the idea of Foster-to-adopt for a tiny bit, before we both agreed that we had been through a lot emotionally and didn't really want to deal with children leaving us.  The thing is, the point of FC is usually Reunification, but I know they were taken away because home life wasn't healthy, and I didn't think I could bare to let a child I had cared for leave. 

I am not in ANY way knocking FP...they are a special type a person FAR stronger then I would ever be.  I just realized that I am not there yet (I'm still young, I might change my mind before we are done building our family).

MayDayGirl

I can say, having had 5 failed matches with da, and having done foster care and saying goodbye to a 6 month old we had since birth, I would have to recommend da. Failed matches and all.

DaisyZH

I'm so sorry for your struggles and losses, that is so hard.  I understand how you feel, it is really scary thinking about the emotional pain that is possible in adoption.  I guess my only advice is while there is the possibility of pain, there is also the promise of joy. 

I have no idea how to choose which type of adoption, it's a difficult decision and one that might take a while.  We originally wanted to do DIA, then while researching felt more drawn to adoption from foster care, then from there started reading more and more about different special needs programs.  It's been kind of a process as we learn more and more. 

Take your time and good luck