Does it ever overwhelm you

srmmm09

...to read posts by adoptees that are negative about adoption? I find it really scary. It would be so sad to me if our child, after weighing all the losses and the benefits, wished we hadn't parented him/her.

Obviously there are a ton of things in the adoption world (so very many things with IA) that need to be improved, but it makes me wonder, will our child write blog posts or articles saying international adoption is bad and that children should never be taken from their birth cultures, or that children should not be declared orphans if they were left in the marketplace and the birth family was never found?

I understand there is loss, of course, and I'm not trying to say only my needs should be met, I just wonder if our child will become an adult and wish s/he had stayed an orphan in Uganda rather than be adopted by us.

jillianmb

I've had those same thoughts before, but it comforts me to know the large, large majority of adoptees are weigh the "pro" of having a family higher than the "con" of loosing their culture.  I also think there is a lot more behind the anger in those articles and blog posts than the adoption- a lot of it stems from the relinquishment from the birth family, which is a reality whether or not they were adopted. 

Something I think will be helpful and plan to emphasize to my son is that he is not "lucky" that he was adopted.  People say that to me a lot, but really he is just as lucky (or unlucky!) as any other kid who has a family.  He deserves a family like everyone else and it is really not that "lucky" that he lost his birth family and then was adopted. Yes, DH and I will be a blessing to him, but that blessing does not undo his loss, you know? It is okay for him to feel angry or upset about the fact that he lost his first family while still being happy that he was adopted.  I don't know if that makes sense- turns out it is sort of hard to explain what I mean! :-P

MagickalNarwhal

Absolutely!

At first I was completely overwhelmed and read blogs daily, crying and making mad appointments with adoption therapists. I soft of overloaded on it, maybe hoping I'd develop an immunity. But I realized that I didn't actually want to be immune, I just wanted to be able to move forward with adoption KNOWING that it's a possibility that my kid might feel like that some day.

I did find myself differentiating when people said that they wish they hadn't been adopted, and those expressing grief about adoption, and maybe even expressing stron opinions on adoption reform and on the *institution* of adoption, while still feeling content and loving about their particular family situation. I guess I started to see a difference in people's feelings about adoption *in general* and people's feeling's about their own families as related, but separate issues. When that happened, something clicked for me, because I actually agree about feeling sadness and frustration about a lot of the instiutional and historical realities about adoption, while still feeling OK about my own personal story and path as an adoptive parent.

orange1414

Since I am an adult adoptee, it doesn't phase me. People are all different, so their experiences will be, too. I love my family and have no issues with being adopted. Mine was a closed adoption and we are planning on an open adoption, so that will be different, but I'm an adoptee who is very pro-adoption.

Dr.Loretta

Not really. There are so many issues at play in the average person's life, that can impact them positively or negatively.

Julie721

Sometimes it gets to me, but then I have to pull back and see the bigger picture. For me, adoption was something that God chose for us, and I believe that He will walk us through every part of that, including how our DS (and our future children, God willing) processes through how he came into our family.

Like a PP mentioned, sometimes it seems to me that adoptees have the hardest time when they are treated as "lucky" or "rescued" rather than what they are: dearly loved and a gift to their adoptive families. Every kid has some growing pains, and I am sure adoption can add an element to that, but I trust that God will give us the wisdom to walk through it faithfully and do right by our DS. 

 

 

ellekae

srmmm09:

I understand there is loss, of course, and I'm not trying to say only my needs should be met, I just wonder if our child will become an adult and wish s/he had stayed an orphan in Uganda rather than be adopted by us.

I worry about this too, but I just keep telling myself that most of that is the adoptee's version of the universal curiosity about what life would have been like if we'd had different parents. I know I wondered... but never had a reason to be angry since my parents are my bio parents. With adoptees, it has to be so much more complex to work through... since they actually DID have another family and different origins.

irismorning

As an adoptee, I was never upset about any process of adoption. I think that there are many children in the world who are upset about their familial situation, both adopted and biological. The blogs that appear online do tend to be overwhelmingly negative. However, when people are happy about their current situation, they are not as likely express themselves in an online setting.

There is an inherent loss within adoption, but I hope and pray that I can parent my boys in a loving manner and they will feel that the good outweighs the loss.