Working Moms

Selfish??..Help me decide

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I've had at least 4 mothers ask for hand-me downs since my son was born.  I've offered what i can --but deep down i know i want another baby but this is something i'm not willing to discuss with the world yet.  My mother in law even asked for my baby clothes so she can "donate" them i offered her some of my old clothes and i never heard back from her.

Last night another church "friend"  messaged asking for baby clothes for 2 people (I don't know who these people are) who are both having boys and are have "financial hardships" I feel like taking the easy way out and acting like i never got the message --but am i being selfish?

I don't know these people, what the status of their "hardship" is....i work 40 hours a week to make sure my son has what he needs, and i'm hoping for another baby (who knows when) 

 

 

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Re: Selfish??..Help me decide

  • I would not offer hand-me-downs when you want to have another kid.  I think you can just say that you don't have anything to give right now.  You could say that you'll ask other friends to see if they have anything.  It's not selfish.  You could also give a gift card if you really felt bad, but I don't think you need to do that.
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  • I don't think you are being selfish.  They are your clothes and I find it strange that people are asking you for them.  A friend of mine was having a boy and I knew that I had a lot of things that either I didn't love or we had 8 million of and would not miss. I put those all in a bag for her and she was so grateful.  But she never asked for them.  There just might be somethings that you aren't crazy about that you could part with but if not you are not selfish.
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  • I would tell the newest people asking, that you've already committed to giving someone else your hand me downs.

    If it's someone close to you I'd be honest and say that you hope to eventually have another child, so you prefer to keep the clothes for now.   

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  • Just say something along the lines of "I would rather hang on to them until we're certain we're done having kids."  There is nothing wrong with keeping the clothes.

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  • I wouldn't either. 

     I had a co-worker ask for some, but my sister just had a boy, so she gets first dibs...plus, then I know I'll get them back in turn should we have another kiddo. I feel bad, but I guess that's just the way it goes.

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  • You're not being selfish at all.  Unless you're 100% certain that you're done having children, it's smart to save baby items that can potentially be reused.  I'm sure you've spent quite a bit of money on things for your son, and it would be silly to spend that money again to replace things you've given away.

    I would give people a generic response "I'm sorry, I don't have any hand me downs left at the moment."  If you decide you won't need them, you could always approach people about donating them then.

    I think it's a bit rude for people to expect your hand me downs.  Even if you weren't planning to use them, a lot of people like to sell on Craig's List or trade in clothing swaps- they're yours to do with as you please.  Some people just like to hold onto things for sentimental reasons.  Don't feel bad about your decision at all.  If you really feel bad for the people in need, you could consider getting them a Target gift card to help with expenses. 

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  • I would say something along the lines of : I've given what I have been able too.
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  • I think it's totally rude for people to ask for hand-me-downs.  If you offered it's one thing but random texts - not ok.  I like the "I'm sorry but I don't have any to pass on right now" from pp.  Or something like "oh, I've already committed them to someone else" (they don't need to know that "someone else" may be your future child)

    You are not selfish for wanting to keep your own things.  And if you loan out anything DO NOT expect to get it back.   


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  • I don't think you are being selfish. I would just say you don't have anything to donate. And that is the truth. I really don't think it's anyone's business what you did with them or why you are keeping them. I am one and done but I am not ready to part with anything I am not using. And I don't know when that will be.

    Lillian April 17, 2012
  • I don't think there is anything wrong with saying you are planning to have more and are saving your items for LO#2.

    If there are certain items that weren't your style or that didn't work for you, donate those. Once you've donated all you care to, feel free to tell people that you don't have any other extras to give at this time.

  • image1026pumpkin:

    I would give people a generic response "I'm sorry, I don't have any hand me downs left at the moment."  If you decide you won't need them, you could always approach people about donating them then.

    Perfect.

    I saved everything from my first son, because I knew that we wanted another.  You're not selfish......why should YOU be burdened with buying everything twice?  It's YOUR STUFF, and the rude ones are the ones with the nerve to hassle you for it.

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  • I'm surprised people ask you for hand-me-downs. That just seems really presumptuous. I think it's fine to turn these people down. You aren't finished with the clothes. I'd just tell them you don't have anything to donate. The End.
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  • Absolutely not selfish! I can't believe people are asking. I am keeping all of our stuff for when we have a second baby.

    My sister has a son 8 months older than my son. She saves all her stuff for us. It is their third and they are done (he had a vasectomy). I have asked her when she'll have the next bag of clothes ready, but I think it totally different when it's my sister.

     

     

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  • Wow, you have some tacky or desrepate people in your life. Don't feel selfish for a second.

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  • Not selfish! I agree with PP's and tell them you have nothing to donate at this time.

    On a side note, I saved everything from DS1 and I am so happy I did. I am having another DS in January and DS1 was a February baby. All his clothes will be season and size appropriate! If you have the space, save whatever you can!
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  • imagecampbaby76:
    I don't think you are being selfish.  They are your clothes and I find it strange that people are asking you for them.

     This was my reaction too.

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  • Not selfish! I kept all my stuff!
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  • PS I think it's odd, intrusive and rude that your MIL asked you to give her your stuff so that SHE could donate it!!
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  • imageEstwd2:
    Wait, people have actually ASKED you for hand-me-downs? In the words of Stephanie Tanner, "How rude!"

    ^She is right! You are free to do what you please with the clothes you have for your LO. Even if you volunteered hand-me-downs previously, you are not a charity case.

    You are not selfish at all for wanting to keep things. Those clothes have memories attached to them.

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  • In my family we pass around baby clothes to whomever's child they happen to fit.  But they always come back to the original owner.  I write the initials in the tag and when my daughter outgrows it, back they go to my sister or SIL or whomever. 

     I would simply say that you are not ready to part with your baby clothes yet.  You don't need to give a reason why.  I could be that you are having another child later, or it could simply be that you want to have a yard sale and make some extra cash come the summer.  It's not their business why you don't want to donate.  I feel for the people who are struggling through financial hardship and I would do what I can to help, but it isn't worth having to buy another infant wardrobe.  Instead maybe offer to donate $10 to the cause of the people who need help.  That's a lot less expensive than buying more baby clothes. 

  • Sounds like you don't want to tell people outright that you want to hold on them. Why not just say that you've already given the items to another baby (you don' thave to say that it's your own and that the items are stashed in your house) ;-)
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  • That is really odd, the only situation I can imagine someone asking for a hand-me-down would be like a sibling or something...

    Definitely say no or even dodge the question by saying things like others have said, you have plans for them or plan to donate them to XYZ when they're ready, etc. I also think it is bizarre that your MIL would ask you for you child's clothes to donate...huhhhh? 

  • I've saved almost everything since I knew I wanted more kids.  Once I'm done having children I'll be very, very, generous with their old clothes, toys, etc. but not until then.

    Kelly, Mom to Christopher Shannon 9.27.06, Catherine Quinn 2.24.09, Trey Barton lost on 12.28.09, Therese Barton lost on 6.10.10, Joseph Sullivan 7.23.11, and our latest, Victoria Maren 11.15.12

    Secondary infertility success with IVF, then two losses, one at 14 weeks and one at 10 weeks, then success with IUI and then just pure, crazy luck.  Expecting our fifth in May as the result of a FET.

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  • I actually think all these presumptuous people are extremely rude!  I have not given any clothes away b/c I know I may want another one.  You are NOT selfish for keeping your own clothes! 
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  • imageHilarityEnsued:

    I'm not sure why you are wanting to keep quiet about wanting another kid (not judging, just don't recall you specifying), but to me that is a very logical and reasonable excuse. 

    I was wondering the same thing, also not in a judgey way. That's the easiest "excuse" to give people, even though you don't owe any type of excuse or explanation.  Simply saying you don't have anything to give/donate at this time is enough. But, I get why you're even asking the question. I would be very taken aback by all the requests and would probably be wondering myself if there is some sort of expectation that I donate LO's clothes - like, did I miss that section of the FTM rule book? It's kinda weird. 

    FWIW, I would not part with anything I thought I might use again. We've accumulate a lot of clothes for one tiny little boy and most of them are in good shape because babies rarely stay in one size for a long time so I will definitely be keeping them in case we have another boy - or, a girl, for that matter, who may look super cute wearing puppies, trucks, and dinosaurs!  Baby clothes are not always that expensive, but it's one less expense to have to worry about for any future kids!

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  • "Oh sorry, those have been claimed."
  • I'm surprised people would ask for hand-me-downs.  To me, that is something that should be offered, not asked for.  Regardless of whether you have another baby, maybe you want to sell the baby clothes at a mom-to-mom sale for some extra cash.  Seems really forward to me that so many people are asking you for clothes.  And I totally get your point about busting your butt working hard all week long so that you are able to afford the baby clothes that you do have.  I think you could just tell these people that you have another plan for the clothes, and leave it at that.  (P.S. You might have a girl next time around.  Hee hee)

     

  • You aren't done with them. There's nothing to decide.
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