Taking someone with you for exchanges

emme022

So after my SO's Ex started lying about stuff happening/being said during exchanges and even putting some of these things in writing, we assume to try to use to her advantage later, SO decided it would be best to have me with him at all exchanges from now on. He plans to email BM tomorrow just saying that because some things have been said during exchanges that he would feel more comfortable having someone with him and that he is letting her know ahead of time as a courtesy.

She tends to get angry easily and we are both semi afraid she will do something like call the police. Normally for pick ups/drop offs he goes up to the door, they exchange he walks away. He has a drop off Thursday and them a pick up Friday, Halloween altered this weeks schedule, so his plan was for me to stay in the car thurs, with the windows down/ possibly with him having his phone on speaker to make sure age knows and then after that I will be going to the door with him. He also plans to tell her if she has a problem with me coming to the door she can bring DD to the car instead. Does this sound ok/reasonable to everyone? He would like to cause as few problems as possible but also feels he needs to protect himself. Thank you

Phantomgirl

While I don't think you accompanying him is a bad idea, you are not exactly a neutral person. 

I also don't think there is a need for you to accompany him to the door, that, in my opinion, is antagonistic.

Look heres my two cents on this...  you should not be getting in the middle of anything between your SO and his ex.  If he is serious about you and wants you to be involved with his child/kids then he should marry you.  Until you know that he is 100% serious about you DO NOT put yourself forward for anything.

If you were asked at work to mediate between people you would expect it to be reflected in your title and paycheck wouldn't you?  You wouldn't take it on as a 'favor' to your boss would you?

Well the same applies here, if your SO wants you to jump in and involve yourself in HIS affairs then it should be reflected in the status of your relationship, i.e. marriage.  Otherwise it is none of your business.

If you are just the girlfriend then by all accounts accompany him and stay in the car.  Or don't.  You have no business going to her door, this is between her and the father of her child.

emme022

Phantomgirl:

While I don't think you accompanying him is a bad idea, you are not exactly a neutral person. 

I also don't think there is a need for you to accompany him to the door, that, in my opinion, is antagonistic.

Look heres my two cents on this...  you should not be getting in the middle of anything between your SO and his ex.  If he is serious about you and wants you to be involved with his child/kids then he should marry you.  Until you know that he is 100% serious about you DO NOT put yourself forward for anything.

If you were asked at work to mediate between people you would expect it to be reflected in your title and paycheck wouldn't you?  You wouldn't take it on as a 'favor' to your boss would you?

Well the same applies here, if your SO wants you to jump in and involve yourself in HIS affairs then it should be reflected in the status of your relationship, i.e. marriage.  Otherwise it is none of your business.

If you are just the girlfriend then by all accounts accompany him and stay in the car.  Or don't.  You have no business going to her door, this is between her and the father of her child.

I can understand where you are coming from with most of this.  The problem is that his whole family lives out of state and he does not have any friends that can take an hour out of there day at 9am 3 days a week so I am kind of the only option at the moment, although his is hoping me going will only have to be temporary.  Also if I just stayed in the car it would be the same as if he was there alone, since I would not be able to see/hear anything and in the past week alone she has threatened to falsely accuse him of kidnapping and said his daughter is crying and hysterically anytime she see's him so he kind of needs a second person to actually see/hear things.  Thank you for your feedback

Jessys_Girl

Phantomgirl:

While I don't think you accompanying him is a bad idea, you are not exactly a neutral person. 

I also don't think there is a need for you to accompany him to the door, that, in my opinion, is antagonistic.

Look heres my two cents on this...  you should not be getting in the middle of anything between your SO and his ex.  If he is serious about you and wants you to be involved with his child/kids then he should marry you.  Until you know that he is 100% serious about you DO NOT put yourself forward for anything.

If you were asked at work to mediate between people you would expect it to be reflected in your title and paycheck wouldn't you?  You wouldn't take it on as a 'favor' to your boss would you?

Well the same applies here, if your SO wants you to jump in and involve yourself in HIS affairs then it should be reflected in the status of your relationship, i.e. marriage.  Otherwise it is none of your business.

If you are just the girlfriend then by all accounts accompany him and stay in the car.  Or don't.  You have no business going to her door, this is between her and the father of her child.

I agree with this.  AND your BF should not be giving her "ultimatums" of sorts.  (as in, if she has a problem with you coming to the door she can bring DD to the car.....what if she doesn't want to do either?  That just creates one more thing for them to argue about doesn't it?).  His e-mail (if he even sends one)  Should say

"I've been uncomfortable with the way our exchanges have gone recently, and from now on I will be bringing X with me to exchanges."  Period. 

And you should stay in the car, quiet, nuetral and completely out of the way/out of the middle.

lily_721

what about doing an exchange at the police station?

Ilumine

Here is a quick thought.  Before you start going along*, have him turn on his phone to record, put it in his pocket and do a coupld of exchanges that way. 

Create a precedent that will allow him to amend the CO to have the exchange in a third-party/neutral and public location. 

Personally, if one parent lives more than 30 mins roundtrip, then both parents need to drive an equal amount PERIOD UNLESS one parent was the sole cause of the demise of the relationship through abuse or cheating (military or moving for a job in today's economy is not a good enough reason).  So you should be sharing the PUs and DOs to begin with. 

cole2144

Ilumine:

Here is a quick thought.  Before you start going along*, have him turn on his phone to record, put it in his pocket and do a coupld of exchanges that way. 

Create a precedent that will allow him to amend the CO to have the exchange in a third-party/neutral and public location. 

Personally, if one parent lives more than 30 mins roundtrip, then both parents need to drive an equal amount PERIOD UNLESS one parent was the sole cause of the demise of the relationship through abuse or cheating (military or moving for a job in today's economy is not a good enough reason).  So you should be sharing the PUs and DOs to begin with. 

I would not recommend this as someone my husband knows did this and got into all kinds of trouble for recording without the other person`s consent. You would not be able to use it in court anyway.

Phantomgirl

lily_721:

what about doing an exchange at the police station?

Perfect!

OP I knew your response would be to reject what I said in favor of jumping in and 'saving' your bf from his horrible ex.  Live and learn.

Here's a little heads up - on this board, we speak from experience.

twister22

Phantomgirl:

lily_721:

what about doing an exchange at the police station?

Perfect!

OP I knew your response would be to reject what I said in favor of jumping in and 'saving' your bf from his horrible ex.  Live and learn.

Here's a little heads up - on this board, we speak from experience.

OP, Phantom knows what she's talking about, as she does speak from experience.

Honestly, you going along isn't going to do much good as you aren't a very credible witness - you will obviously side with your SO. And, you are only going to piss BM off more. You are the GF, not the SM, and that little change in title actually makes a HUGE difference. If you want to start going with your SO and walking to the door with him, then by all means do it, no one can stop you. However, I would NOT send the email you are thinking about, but rather one like a PP said, a simple "Because of some false accusations that have been made at previous PU's/DO's, I will now be bringing X with me." 

nattyncbride

I don't reply much b/c I am a GF (with a DS2 and SO has a DS8), and I just don't think I have the experience to give informed advice.  However, since you are also a GF, I'll reply.  I agree with PP that exchanging at a neutral location is the best answer.

Sounds like taping the exchanges can't be used, and might get your SO in trouble.  I understand that your SO can't find anyone else to go on drop-offs; I don't have family close either, and if this happened to me, I have no idea whom I would ask to accompany me.  However, I agree with PP that you going along is antagonistic, and that is the *last* thing SC, SO, and BM need!  Add to that the fact that no one would consider you an objective observer, it just does NO good.

I sympathize with feelings of wanting to help, but as a GF, you have to find a way that is supportive but does not interfere with SO and BM.  Going with him for drop-offs interferes, in my opinion.  I feel for you, and really hope they can change the venue for drop-offs.  Being a SM would be frustrating at times, and in some ways, even more so as a GF, I get that - I'm rooting for all of you.

CFjo2010

As I mentioned on your previous post, have your SO make a phone call as he pulls up to BM's residence and then put the call on speaker.  Unless and until he obtains a CO allowing him to do so DO NOT RECORD THE EXCHANGES.  It's technically illegal unless the other party has been notified in advance that they will be recorded and has given their consent.  But having an open call where the person on the other end can hear what is being said is perfectly legal.  My husband did this several times when someone couldn't go with him for the exchanges and it kept BM "in line", meaning she didn't pull the normal crap she had been pulling and she could no longer fabricate incidents.  If you do go for the exchanges, stay in the car and just observe/document.

How old is the LO?  Is he/she old enough to walk from the car to the front door supervised?  Then SO can stand at the car, say his "goodbyes" and watch LO walk to the door where BM will be. 

Ginlyn0

You need to check your state laws on recording devices. In my state, as long as one party to the conversation knows it's recorded than it's okay and all states vary on this topic. That's actually how I got a protective order from my ex many years ago. Of course, we get a long fine now.

I would not get out of the car and go to the door.

emme022

Thank you everyone for your replies it really helped. My SO would love to be able to do the PO/DO in a neutral location but BM will not agree to that. They are supposed to share the driving and age claims she can't do that which is why he has been having to do both. My SO is going to phrase the email how it was suggested here and I will be either staying in the car with his phone on or at home with the phone in speaker. Hopefully it will solve the problem although the phone thing may have to be temporary since my SO only has a limited amount of minutes on his phone that always run out before the end of the month and he can not afford more

lvnlife3184

I started going with DH for pick ups all the time whenever i started becoming closer to the children and before real problems occured anyway. i think it shows the children/child in the situation you are part of their life also and that you aren't a third wheel in any situation and are supposed to stay away from their bm.

I never got out of the car and went to BM's door. but it wasn't too long that DH stopped going up to the door anyway and told her she can walk them out of the doorway and the children can walk down their porch/sidewalk a few steps alone to our vehicles. how old is the child you are dealing with? At that point in our relationship his son was 2.5 and daughter was 4-5 years old so it wasn't a huge deal for them to walk that 10 feet alone.

now we do our drop offs in a public place and things are much more comfortable for everyone since the "problem" we had last winter with BM attacking DH.

the worst problem we've had is just her regular ole b*tchy attitude towards us at times. we just ignore that though and move on.