Update: MIL Vent

lexusolsen

So I posted on this weekend about my crazy MIL who gave my lactose intolerant DD too much cheese.  Here's an update:

DH and I fought about this like crazy.  He never thinks his mother can do any wrong.  He is finally starting to see she doesn't always make the best choices. So anyway... He felt horrible when DD was still having gas pains on Sunday night. 

Yesterday morning we fought about it again before I left for work at 6am.  He knows what she did is wrong and agrees that she completely ignored us and our repeated requests to stop feeding her.  He offered to call her that night.  He called and when he came downstairs told me that it went well.  Then he proceeded to tell me that she "Didn't realize she ate THAT much cheese."  I said, "But she knows that she needs to listen to us when it comes to LO, right?"  

He got all uncomfortable and said he might not have done the best job about making that point clear.  I got pissed and told him that if he didn't take care of it, I would.  I made it very clear that I will not be taking a back seat anymore and that LO will not be left alone with them until I feel confident that they can care for her properly.  

 He called her again on his way home today and told her that the fact that she ignored us really bothered him.  He explained that he tries to avoid confrontation and he really dislikes confronting her.  She said she thought we just didn't want us to feed her their food (we were at a taco shop).  B*tch always finds away to turn it around on us.  

We won't be seeing them this week and weekly visits are over too.  My daughter doesn't need to be a pawn in her struggle for power over me and my DH.   Part of me hopes she brings it up at DH's birthday party next week, just so we can get this passive-aggressive sh*t out of the way. 

KathrynMD

did you just call your MIL a b!tch?  I remember your earlier post and you were all conflicted and now she's a b!tch?  She didn't actually poison your child or anything, you know?  If you guys have let her push you around and manipulate you for years (and you've been resenting it for years) you can't just change the rules all the sudden and not expect any push back or reaction from her. 

It could be worse, your could have a MIL who doesn't care to have a relationship w/ her grandchild or her son. 

lexusolsen

I agree that we can't expect things to change suddenly and without any push back.

There is so much more than just this issue. She also tries to guilt us into staying longer or inviting her to things. She is manipulative and passiveaggressive. I'm tired of dealing with it. She is the one thing DH and I fight over.

I am trying really hard not to keep DD from her but I refuse to have my wishes ignored when it comes to my daughter. I would just like for her to respect us and keep my daughter safe. I don't think that is too much to ask.

EastCoastBride

lexusolsen:

I would just like for her to respect us and keep my daughter safe. I don't think that is too much to ask.

I fully agree.  Your DD can't handle lactose, therefore your MIL shouldn't feed her cheese.  It's really not that complicated.  And when a grandparent shows a total disregard for your child's health, um, yeah.... that means they don't get as much access to that child.

My son has celiac (no wheat or gluten) and while it's been totally accidental w/ my IL's, there have been a few times where they've almost cross contaminated him because they just don't think.  There is no power struggle, there is no maliciousness involved - but because of their clear inability to "get" what his disease means, their time w/ him is limited!  We're busy and we simply can't see them every week and they aren't ever going to be left alone with him.  So - they get to see him once every 3 or 4 weeks. 

For that fact that there isn't ill-intent, I feel bad.  But at the same time, DS's health comes first. 

I agree-= your MIL's passive-aggressiveness and pushback may not change overnight, but the power play over your child that involves your MIL causing harm to your child absolutely does need to change "overnight".  There is no excuse for it and it honestly infuriates me for you that your DH still has his head in the sand over this.  His mom can "do no wrong" and his DD suffers for this.  Excellent.

lexusolsen

EastCoastBride:

lexusolsen:

I would just like for her to respect us and keep my daughter safe. I don't think that is too much to ask.

I fully agree.  Your DD can't handle lactose, therefore your MIL shouldn't feed her cheese.  It's really not that complicated.  And when a grandparent shows a total disregard for your child's health, um, yeah.... that means they don't get as much access to that child.

My son has celiac (no wheat or gluten) and while it's been totally accidental w/ my IL's, there have been a few times where they've almost cross contaminated him because they just don't think.  There is no power struggle, there is no maliciousness involved - but because of their clear inability to "get" what his disease means, their time w/ him is limited!  We're busy and we simply can't see them every week and they aren't ever going to be left alone with him.  So - they get to see him once every 3 or 4 weeks. 

For that fact that there isn't ill-intent, I feel bad.  But at the same time, DS's health comes first. 

I agree-= your MIL's passive-aggressiveness and pushback may not change overnight, but the power play over your child that involves your MIL causing harm to your child absolutely does need to change "overnight".  There is no excuse for it and it honestly infuriates me for you that your DH still has his head in the sand over this.  His mom can "do no wrong" and his DD suffers for this.  Excellent.

He realizes that what she is doing isn't acceptable. He just wishes there was a passive way to deal with it. He didn't fight with me over it being wrong, just over how it needs to be handled. This is huge progress for him, like I said, in the past she could do no wrong.

She is used to being in charge, even with her grandkids. LO is the 6th of seven. However, the other six live in the midwest and she sees them maybe twice a year. While she is with them their parents are hands off and let her do everything. That's not going to happen with me. It's just not my style. Plus, she doesn't make safe decisions for my daughter.

EastCoastBride

lexusolsen:

He just wishes there was a passive way to deal with it. He didn't fight with me over it being wrong, just over how it needs to be handled.

But this is still keeping his head in the sand!  He just wants to ignore it and hope it goes away so that he doesn't have to stand up to her.

It's great that he's made progress, but for the fact that he only "feels bad" that your DD had gas but isn't angry over it (at least your telling of it doesn't read to me that he was angry) tells me that he still has a lot of progress to make. 

 

stephdil17

KathrynMD:

It could be worse, your could have a MIL who doesn't care to have a relationship w/ her grandchild or her son. 

My MIL & FIL don't bother with my kids. I understand your frustration but try and work thru it for your baby's sake.  

seells

I had a problem with my MIL that was similar to this. Her and FIL wouldn't respect what I said in regards to how DH and I wanted to raise DD. They would give her sips of beer or tequila. When I would tell them (well, more like freak out and yell at them) that it wasn't okay they would say that's how we raised our kids or its what we do in Mexico.

So we stopped going over and bringing DD over. DH and I told them that if they couldn't respect us as parents then they wouldn't be able to be in our lives or DDs. They didn't see us for almost 2 weeks but eventually MIL called and apologized and things got better.

It was really hard to stand up to MIL. I started dating DH when I was 15 and so MIL got used to being able to push me around and have her way a lot. But we stood our ground. Of course we make special allowances for DD when she goes to DHs parents house sometimes and in return they follow our rules pretty well. It's a give and take.

In the end you are her mother and you make the rules and MIL is going to need to accept that. 

kristennd

I will never understand the "Just be happy they care" argument/guilt trip. It's like being told you have to put up with a jerk SO because it's always better than being single. It's not.