Closed adoption

SouthernGirl047

Hi ladies,

Just wanted to get your input on a closed adoption. I've seen a lot of programs promoting open adoption. My husband and I feel strongly about having a closed adoption. Which type are you going for?

heaven22tw

My DD is a closed adoption.. we were open to semi open/ closed.  I am adopted and sincerely feel growing up an open adoption would have been way to confusing to understand.

bumpuser794640

Most adoption services now promote open adoption as being healthiest in the long run for all those involved, but most especially for the adoptees themselves. 

I would urge you to do some research on open adoption before crossing it off your list - it is a wonderful way to grow families.  I recommend The Spirit of Open Adoption by James Gritter, as well as The Adoption Triangle by Sorosky, Baran & Pannor.  Other books about open adoption include Because I Loved You (written by a birthmother who placed her son in an open adoption situation) by Patricia Dischler, Dear Birthmother by Kathleen Silber and Phylis Speedlin, and Adoption Without Fear (also by James Gritter).

Dr.Loretta

Ditto Gnome. I think there are a lot of misconceptions about open adoption. People think that open adoption = coparenting, and that you're constantly seeing each other. That isn't the case.

In reality, open adoption means a lot of things. There can be semi-open adoption, where the families communicate, but it's all via a third party (usually an adoption agency). It may include letters and pictures sent on a particular schedule. Semi-open adoption can also include a limited visitation schedule without exchange of identifying information like last names and where each family lives (this is what we have). More open adoptions can include more regular visits, sometimes at each other's homes, and exchange of personal information so that regular texting and phone calls occur. Many, many adoptive families start out thinking they want no contact, then decide they want more openness, especially after they meet a birthfamily and form a relationship with them.

As I mentioned, we have a semi-open adoption. We send letters and pictures annually, and we visit twice a year. One is an event hosted by our agency, and the other is at a neutral location. We also opened it up a tad in that we set up a blog just for DD's birthfamily so they can get updates more often than once or twice a year. To be honest, we'd like to have more contact with DD's birthfamily, but we're following her BM's lead.

I am curious as to why you feel strongly about closed adoption, if you feel comfortable answering.

dancingmatilda

I was adopted through a closed adoption, and I have to say that I feel it's the best way. I always knew I was adopted, and there were never any questions in my mind about who my parents were. I really want to adopt a child, and like you I don't like the idea of open adoption. I feel like I would have to share my child with someone else, almost like having a custody agreement. I think it would be really confusing for a child, and complicated for a teen who may not always agree with his/her parents. I recently found out who my birthmother is. I haven't made contact, just seen her facebook page, and I have very conflicting feelings about whether or not I want to make contact or not. To me, that is the benefit of a closed adoption. If/when an adoptee feels the desire to meet their birth parents they can, instead of being forced to have a relationship with them.

Allie-Jo

Our agency also encourages open adoptions.  They pretty up front that at least a SEMI-open adoption is preferable.  Even if the BM is SET on a closed adoption, they will ask that you send an update about once a month to the agency, and then once a year after that for a few years, that way if the BM comes back in 5 years and regrets closing the adoption they have something for her. 

Honestly I can't imagine having a completely closed adoption.  I know that even in the most open adoption, it is not a custody thing...I will be MOMMY, I am the one who will put them to bed every night and feed them and raise them.  The BM will more then likely have less contact with them then their grandparents and aunts/uncles...they will be like extended family...again, it all depends on the situation (is the BM in a bad place, does she want more/less contact, etc.)

ycristina84

We have done a lot of reading and research and want to do semi-open adoption. While we don't feel comfortable having a close relationship with a BM through frequent visits, we do want to have open communication. I initially thought closed would be best, but have learned that open is healthiest for the BM and for the child, because they both have opportunities for information and healing.

The child doesn't grow up with "fantasies" of birth mom, or feeling rejected and the birth mother can find comfort in seeing how the child is being raised. Also, having the ability to ask BM about medical history etc, and having her have some connection to the child can't be bad for anyone. So we just feel like with honesty, updates, and pictures will be the best for us.But you don't have to have visitations to have a successful open adoption.

silliestbunny

By definition according to The Open Adoption Book by Bruce Rappaport, PhD, a closed adoption is where the paperwork is sealed and unavailable to the triad.  An open adoption is one that the birth mom has the choice of who parents her child OR chooses to let a designee make that decision.

Open adoption is definitely the trend now... but understanding the degrees of open adoption is important. 

 DD1's adoption is considered open since we know who her birth mother is and she had some say in choosing us.  We have never seen even a pic of  her nor has she seen a pic of DD1.  Yet, this is considered open. 

You may want to revisit what open can look like w/DH since a true closed adoption is rare.

Also read the book I listed above.... it helps you understand why the trend has shifted from closed to open. 

silliestbunny

One other thought--- you may want to weigh what the norm is of the time.  If your child is in a completely closed adoption but only has peers in open relationships, this may give your child extra "stuff" to process.  KWIM?

Ginny0211

Ouch!

Stings a bit to read some of these responses.

Hope it's ok for me to respond.........

I throughly researched open adoption before placing my birthson in an adoption and I did not take my decision lightly. And I did stop myself during my decision process and ask, "is this best for him too?" I wanted my birthson to grow up knowing he is loved by his birthparents and we DID want to parent him, we just couldn't. I wanted him to be able to have instant access to any questions he had about his adoption or his birth family. I also, myself needed some form of contact because the thought of the unknown was terrifying. I was not able to even consider doing an adoption until I found out about open adoption. 

I would never cross any lines and cause any confusion for him by acting like a mother to him. I have never done anything remotely close to co-parenting and at visits, I always have left all discipline to his parents and always tell him he needs to ask his parents before I even give him a piece of candy or soda. There is no confusion for him. His mom is the one that has raised him. I'm his birth mom. It's as simple as that. When he fell as a toddler during a visit, he did not look back and forth confused as to who to run to for comfort. He ran to his Mommy with no hesitation because she is his Mommy not me. During visits when he wants to go do something, he asks his mom or dad for permission, not us. 

I see it as he has more people in his life that love him. He has more people in his life that tell him we are proud of him. More people cheering him on. And more presents on his birthday .  

 I know that in some situations an open adoption with visits is not ideal for the child because the birthparents are not making good choices or the birthparents are not emotionally able to handle visits. So i'm not saying open adoption with visits is the only way to go. But there are so many levels of openness in an open adoption. You can have just letters and pictures or just letters. Then you have that access available for your child so any questions can be answered, any biological history can be shared and the birthparents can know that the chid is ok so they don't have that scary unknown. 

 

MagickalNarwhal

Many people that I know who have open adoptions (VERY open adoptions in some cases) and LOVE them came to the table insisting on a closed adoption as well. I think it's pretty common to be scared of a lot of the uncertainty that open adoption brings with it. However, there's a lot of research out there, and a lot of first person accounts from adult adoptees, that points to a level of openness about adoption being important and healthy. Like so many PPs mentioned, though, what that looks like varies so much from family to family.

I will also echo PPs who say that open adoption is NOT co parenting and it's NOT really sharing your child any more than you "share" them with the rest of your extended family, though there are aspects of your child that aren't yours of course as they would be with a biological child.

Our situation is a very very open adoption. We see our son's birth parents often, text frequently, and I have met a number of extended family members on his birthmom's side. I absolutely love it! They are SUCH awesome people - really fun to hang out with, smart, caring, compassionate, responsible, and they are both totally in love with my son. But when they hang out with us, they aren't possesive or rude or entitled with my son - they treat him like most of the rest of my family does - they love on him and kiss him, then hand him over to me when he has a need, because they have no idea what to do with him I love that he will be able to ask them questions about some of the heavier stuff in adoption - that I won't be the only one to hold those stories. I love that I had brunch with his birth mom recently and she mentioned how she felt like she ate nothing but clementines while she was pregnant with him, and I sent home that day and fed him clementines and it's his favortie solid food so far. They are family and I am so grateful to have them in our lives. And, if my son decides that he doesn't want a relationship with them when he grows up, then he can take a break or end it, just like he can do with the relationship he has with any other family member.

I realize that our situation is not for everyone, and that's fine. But I would encourage you to read more about open adoption and not take it off the table just yet. And even if you do end up with an adoption that's more closed, I encourage you to find and keep whatever you can from the birth family, even if you don't share it with your child right away. That might become very treasured information. And hopefully, as an adoptive parent you will love the heck out of your adopted child, and open your heart to also have love and respect for the people that brought this miraculous kid into the world.

irismorning

ycristina84:

We have done a lot of reading and research and want to do semi-open adoption. While we don't feel comfortable having a close relationship with a BM through frequent visits, we do want to have open communication. I initially thought closed would be best, but have learned that open is healthiest for the BM and for the child, because they both have opportunities for information and healing.

The child doesn't grow up with "fantasies" of birth mom, or feeling rejected and the birth mother can find comfort in seeing how the child is being raised. Also, having the ability to ask BM about medical history etc, and having her have some connection to the child can't be bad for anyone. So we just feel like with honesty, updates, and pictures will be the best for us.But you don't have to have visitations to have a successful open adoption.

I wonder if you have the names of the articles that state this. I feel as though I hear this tossed around a lot, but never with examples of actual scientific articles. If anyone has access to this type of article I would greatly appreciate getting that information.

I was also adopted in a closed adoption and I have to say that I tend to agree with those that have said that I prefer it that way. I am in my mid-thirties and have never had the desire to "meet" my biological family. I know that the ball is in my court, if I ever wanted to search I could, but it will be MY choice. Not one made for me.

As everyone can see below, I have two boys. Our situation is a little unique because the biological family knows who we are, but we basically (because of safety issues) have a closed adoption. We were told by our counselor to treat it in this manner. My boys are healthy and happy. They know that they are adopted and since I have complete health histories on and knew the biological parents in some way, I can answer most of their questions. When they are older if THEY want to search, I have a lot of information that can help them.

SouthernGirl047

dancingmatilda:

I was adopted through a closed adoption, and I have to say that I feel it's the best way. I always knew I was adopted, and there were never any questions in my mind about who my parents were. I really want to adopt a child, and like you I don't like the idea of open adoption. I feel like I would have to share my child with someone else, almost like having a custody agreement. I think it would be really confusing for a child, and complicated for a teen who may not always agree with his/her parents. I recently found out who my birthmother is. I haven't made contact, just seen her facebook page, and I have very conflicting feelings about whether or not I want to make contact or not. To me, that is the benefit of a closed adoption. If/when an adoptee feels the desire to meet their birth parents they can, instead of being forced to have a relationship with them.

 

This is basically why we prefer a closed adoption. I thank all of you who gave your opinions and input into this discussion and I will certainly research more into semi-open adoptions. My cousin who is now 30 years old, was adopted under a closed adoption. My aunt asked him one day if he wanted to search for his real mom and dad and he replied, "No. You guys are right here." He does not wish to search for his birthparents and we are closer than most of my "biological" family members. It may be a possibility that we could be open to a semi-open adoption where at least the BM gets updates on the child, but identities remain anonymous. I'm definitely more knowledgeable about the different types and why people choose the ones they do so thank you for all of your input!

Dr.Loretta

irismorning:

ycristina84:

We have done a lot of reading and research and want to do semi-open adoption. While we don't feel comfortable having a close relationship with a BM through frequent visits, we do want to have open communication. I initially thought closed would be best, but have learned that open is healthiest for the BM and for the child, because they both have opportunities for information and healing.

I wonder if you have the names of the articles that state this. I feel as though I hear this tossed around a lot, but never with examples of actual scientific articles. If anyone has access to this type of article I would greatly appreciate getting that information.

https://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0803957793/insightopenad-20

The Family of Adoption by Dr. Joyce Maguire Pavao

What is Open Adoption? By Brenda Romanchik

 

srmmm09

I feel like open adoption is a really nebulous term. APs and I have an open adoption, but we don't have close contact (random picture updates, no real phone calls or visiting or anything). The open part is that is if M ever wants to ask me a question or get info about my side of his birth family, I'm there for him 100%.

I don't think there's any way for him to be confused about who are his parents because I never parented him once he was "out." I wish I got to see him more than once every few years, but that's just because I like kids (and he's pretty awesome), but I don't feel like his mother, more like an aunt who lives far away? We don't even send cards back and forth. It's not really a big deal; I'm just a resource he has access to if he needs it.

Perhaps it will be more confusing at some points, but surely it's less confusing at others. I like that there doesn't have to be the big leap of meeting me, or telling his parents he wants to find me, or hearing why I made an adoption plan for the first time. It's all part of his story that he knows already (well, the main points; he is six years old).

And it's really nice that I don't have to wonder what he looks like (blonde!) or what he's like (sweet!) or if he's doing well (he is!). And he never has to worry if I'm okay or what happened to me after, you know?

irismorning

Thank you!

dancingmatilda

I will add that, although I feel closed adoption is better, I wouldn't let the fact that a birth mother wants an open adoption stop you from adopting. Even with the added complications an open adoption may bring, it is completely worth it. Good luck!