Lurker Question:Adopting with biological children

aozmomma

Hello all! Don't mind my ancient siggy I have been in the very beginning stages of adoption research. MH and I feel like adoption may be in our future one day. Do any of you know of anyone or have experience with adopting a 3rd child when biological children are involved? I had to undergo infertility treatments to have my 2nd child. Would it be best to avoid agencies? We aren't completely against fostering, but really don't feel open to it now. I'm open to race. I'm leaning more towards domestic newborn at this moment. Any tips would be helpful. I haven't picked up my copy of Adoption for Dummies yet, I have read the info in the FAQ section up top. Thank you kindly in advance.

Dr.Loretta

Do any of you know of anyone or have experience with adopting a 3rd child when biological children are involved?

There are plenty of families with a mix of bio and adopted children 

I had to undergo infertility treatments to have my 2nd child. Would it be best to avoid agencies?

Why? Agencies (and other adoption professionals) work with infertile couples all the time.

My advice is usually to contact places you're interested in (agencies, lawyers, etc.), explain your situation, and see if they can work with you. Bonus: you get a feel for whether or not you'd want to work with them.

ngiguere

Not all agencies have offices in every state. If you lean towards an agency, I recommend Bethany Christian Services. The reason being that they do a lot to help around the world with family preservation; and have programs in place to help people in the US and abroad with their here-and-now-struggles. They also provide counseling to their birth moms. If you are considering going the birth mom route, an agency is the most common way a birth mom will find you. They choose you before you say yes or no. That said, a birth mom going through an agency like BCS will be getting counseling throughout her pregnancy and after the placement. She needs ALL THE SUPPORT SHE CAN GET! It's a very difficult decision. Not all birth moms are able to follow through after the birth of their child. It's important that you and your husband seek pre-adoption counseling as well. Your counselor will help you understand that if she changes her mind, you are not entitled to her infant child. 

 Another reason I like BCS is because they are non-profit. I think that adoption is a beautiful thing that should be separated from profit, and be treated as least like a business as possible. It's still expensive. BCS is also partially subsidized by donations, which helps defray the costs a bit.  

Their agency isn't available in every state. So I would check out their website. If possible, set up a meeting with one of their social workers and talk about your hopes, fears and concerns. They'll be able to help you get a clear picture in your mind.

 I know many families who already have biological children and have adopted. It's a beautiful thing. A friend of mine had 4 adopted brothers (she was a bio kid) and her relationship with them is really tight knit. 

 As for fostering, it's definitely difficult. The thing to remember with fostering is that the kids have been taken from their parents under traumatic conditions. Most of them, despite maybe being neglected or abused, still feel loyal to their parents. They don't want to be away from their parents. But they still need a lot of help and love. The main goal in fostering is to re-unify the child and parent. It's HARD at the end of the parents' allotted time period to say good bye, but it's the judge's call. Not yours. If the parents fail to do what a judge has asked, THEN you can proceed to adopt. But you have to work reunification first. It's different than private adoption in every way imaginable. That said, most states' adoption/fostering classes to get licensed to foster are really great, and usually free. Check them out! Good luck! 

aozmomma

This was helpful. Thank you. I'll check out Bethany for sure.

dancingmatilda

This doesn't help with the adoption process, but as far as how it will affect your biological children.... I was adopted and have an older brother who is my parents biological child. It has never been an issue in our family. I've never felt like they favored him because he was their biological child, and I don't think he's ever felt any resentment toward me. Good luck!

aozmomma

I appreciate you posting that. I'll take any input that I can find. ;