Ugh week with the in-laws — The Bump
Attachment Parenting

Ugh week with the in-laws

DHs sister, and her family (DH and 2 boys, 4 and 6) came to visit.

They're good people, but their approach to parenting is very different to ours. A lot of it was pretty simple stuff, like they insist their boys eats all the food on the plate, where as we don't. So that kind of stuff doesn't matter to me, until MIL suddenly gets into a, "well DD1 better eat all her food, like the boys."

There were some behaviours though that were just uncomfortable to be around. Like repeatedly calling the 6 yr old a "pansy" because he was playing with DD's pram, and telling him to, "stop being a little girl" when he was crying. Talking loudly in front of the 4 yr old about how he won't be "smart" like his brother. (The 4 yr old is speech delayed, and I didn't see either parent once take the time to have a simple conversation with him about what was going on) Plus constantly complaining about how the 4 yr old is difficult/hard work/ doesn't listen or behave himself.

I'm not saying we're perfect parents, and I'm sure they went away thinking our parenting was crazy, but so much of how they spoke to/about their boys made me cringe. Just glad the week is over.

image
Elizabeth 5yrs old Jane 3yrs old
image


Re: Ugh week with the in-laws

  • It's so sad that so many parents turn to intimidation to discipline. And calling any child degrading names is NEVER okay. This just keeps perpetuating a bully centered society. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. I don't know if I would have been able to keep my mouth shut.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker image
    image
  • Loading the player...
  • imageKateLouise:

    DHs sister, and her family (DH and 2 boys, 4 and 6) came to visit.

    They're good people, but their approach to parenting is very different to ours. A lot of it was pretty simple stuff, like they insist their boys eats all the food on the plate, where as we don't. So that kind of stuff doesn't matter to me, until MIL suddenly gets into a, "well DD1 better eat all her food, like the boys."

    There were some behaviours though that were just uncomfortable to be around. Like repeatedly calling the 6 yr old a "pansy" because he was playing with DD's pram, and telling him to, "stop being a little girl" when he was crying. Talking loudly in front of the 4 yr old about how he won't be "smart" like his brother. (The 4 yr old is speech delayed, and I didn't see either parent once take the time to have a simple conversation with him about what was going on) Plus constantly complaining about how the 4 yr old is difficult/hard work/ doesn't listen or behave himself.

    I'm not saying we're perfect parents, and I'm sure they went away thinking our parenting was crazy, but so much of how they spoke to/about their boys made me cringe. Just glad the week is over.

    I gasped out loud when I read this. How awful! I don't know why parents think it's okay to taunt their own children.

    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
  • Loading the player...
  • Your post made me sad. 

     I'm so glad that DH and I are on the same page w/ discipline...I can't imagine speaking to my daughter that way.  It's hard standing by and biting your tongue when you disagree with others parenting choices.  I remember feeling so uncomfortable being around one of my uncles for that reason...always loud, yelling at his kids, calling them down (and in his case, often drunk) My parents never let us alone with him actually... Both of the kids had emotional struggles into adulthood,(which they're just sorting out now) and had zero respect for their parents. 




    image

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • This is not parenting, this is plain out verbal and psychological abuse. Talk about being put in a hard position. Personally, I probably would have blown up when the kid was being called a pansy and kicked them out, but that's me (I have no tolerance for homophobia, sexism or bullying). I would probably just keep my distance from them for now. I feel awful for those kids though.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • There is different parenting and sh*tty parenting. Degrading a child is so messed up. 
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
  • imagesadsadie:
    This is not parenting, this is plain out verbal and psychological abuse. Talk about being put in a hard position. Personally, I probably would have blown up when the kid was being called a pansy and kicked them out, but that's me (I have no tolerance for homophobia, sexism or bullying). I would probably just keep my distance from them for now. I feel awful for those kids though.

    I commented on a couple of things like saying there's nothing wrong with pushing a pram, but there was always an explanation for everything. Apparently the pansy comments were ok, because, "it's not just the pram, it's everything, he's such a girl."

    With the crying incident the conversation went like this:

    SIL: Stop crying, you're acting like a little girl.

    Me: Don't worry Elizabeth, there's nothing wrong with being a little girl. (DD1 was standing right next to SIL.

    SIL: Oh I wasn't talking to her, I was talking to him.

    Me: I know. There's nothing wrong with being a little girl.

    SIL: There is, if you're a boy and you'll get beaten up for it.

     

    In the end, I went the subversive route. Later after the crying (Nephew was crying because his dad had stopped he going back into his room because DD2 was asleep. Then he's rolled his eyes and got sent away until he apologised, but then apparently his apology wasn't good enough) I pulled him aside and thanked him for being patient with DD2 sleeping in his room, and that I know it can be a real hassle when you have to wait for the baby to wake, but I appreciated him not waking her.

    Then later on, when he was playing with some dolls, I taught him how to tie ponytails in their hair. 

    image
    Elizabeth 5yrs old Jane 3yrs old
    image


  • Good for you for being subversive, the kid needs to hear that his behaviours are totally normal and acceptable and that he should be loved unconditionally. The dad sounds like a real jackhole. I just hope that poor kid has enough people like you in his life to counteract the effect of such a terrible view towards children's needs and behaviours.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • imagesadsadie:
    Good for you for being subversive, the kid needs to hear that his behaviours are totally normal and acceptable and that he should be loved unconditionally. The dad sounds like a real jackhole. I just hope that poor kid has enough people like you in his life to counteract the effect of such a terrible view towards children's needs and behaviours.

    exactly.




    image

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • imagesadsadie:
    Good for you for being subversive, the kid needs to hear that his behaviours are totally normal and acceptable and that he should be loved unconditionally. The dad sounds like a real jackhole. I just hope that poor kid has enough people like you in his life to counteract the effect of such a terrible view towards children's needs and behaviours.

    They live in another country, so we only see them once a year, at best.

    I was actually really shocked at the Dad. He's always been really tolerant and playful with the boys. It seems to me that they're struggling with the realities of parenting being a never-ending task. They both seem worn out by it all, and like they're just getting through it until the boys leave home.

    They both seem checked out and disengaged with their boys. Like we went to an indoor playground, and SIL didn't play with the boys once. She took a few photos and spent the rest of the time sitting down, often by herself. 

    Another time DH and BIL were hanging something up using a drill. 4 yr old was looking at the drill bits. He pulled them all out of their case, and lined them all up, and I was talking with him about them.

    When the guys finished their task BIL got a bit huffy at nephew, and I said that I'd been watching him and that I'd help him put them away. So I was letting nephew work things out, and explaining to him that the numbers on the drill bits matched up with the numbers on the case. Then BIL just took them off nephew and packed them up. He wasn't in a hurry for anything, just had zero patience for the activity even though I'd said I was happy being with nephew (and I would have stood there all day if he'd wanted me to)

    I honestly think they've just gotten into a habit of how they behave with the boys, and are intent of thinking the "worst" of their boys.

    I tried to be quite loud when I was parenting differently, but in end the in-laws think we have no idea because our girls are so young and girls are "easy".

    Like I said, glad that weeks over. 

    image
    Elizabeth 5yrs old Jane 3yrs old
    image


  • I wish all parents were good parents, but some are obviously not. I'm sorry that you had to see those kids treated that way.

     

    My SIL is a piece of work and her kids seem to have no bond with her (probably due to the yelling and emotional drama she puts them through. She's always threatening a spanking or some other physical punishment. I don't think she's carried through, but we keep a close eye on her in case it gets to the point where we have to call some officials.

    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards