One month later...mourning what could have been

jennakg

It's been 1 month since ds was born, and I still find myself mourning (maybe that's not the right word) the experience that I wanted, but didn't get.  (I posted my story on here -- the gist of it I was induced because we thought there was meconium in the AF, but there wasn't.  Then I had crazy back labor, which I didn't handle well, so I got the epidural.)

This is only my first kid.  DH and I are planning on having at least another (in a couple of years), so hopefully I will get the birth experience that I hope for then.  I find myself coming back to this board, reading other peoples experiences, and I'm jealous that I didn't get what I had hoped for.

I don't really know where I'm going with this.  I guess I just needed to get that out.

Regardless, DS is one month old, beautiful, perfect, and I love him like crazy.

wifeofadam

My first was not the birth experience I wanted.  I was coerced into an epidural because I didn't prepare a proper support team before the birth.  I felt like I let myself down by not meeting my goal.  I loved DS just the same and was happy that I at least got to have a vaginal birth (which with a posterior baby and an epi could have ended very differently), but I still felt regret about my decision to get the epi.

I took the lessons I learned with #1 and had a beautiful natural hospital birth with #2.  I took the lessons I learned from #2 and had a beautiful homebirth with #3.

Life is a learning experience.  We grow through these kinds of things.  I'm sure that your experience this time will just make your next birth even better.  Don't beat yourself up  

nosoup4u

Being induced is hard! And you made the best decisions at the time, based on the information you had. You'll feel less sad the more time goes by.

I had an unplanned c/s with my first, and felt pretty crappy about it for the first year. Now I can look back and accept what happened, but it was very hard at the time. And FWIW, I was much more open to having an epidural when I was pg with my second then I was the first time (I didn't end up needing one, though!).

hth, and be kind to yourself!

hcw87

I understand where you're coming from. With my daughter I was induced at 37 weeks because of preeclampsia. I still tried to go natural but my BP was so high that there was talk of taking me cesarian. I made the decision to go ahead and get the epi and see if it would lower my BP. And it did! I was happy that I still got the vaginal delivery I hoped for. 

I had told myself from day 1 that I wanted a natural child birth experience, but above all else I wanted to do what was best for me and my baby. It turns out getting the epidural was what was best for my health. And it sounds like you made the decision that was the best thing for you.  

My labor/delivery definitely did not go the way I imagined it would, but they rarely do. And in time when you look back on that day, you will think of the first time you held your son, and all of the other great memories from that day--and not that you got the epidural.  

Congrats on your little guy!  

Temp76535187505890

I intended on a med-free birth with my first and ended up getting an epidural.  I didn't even have any medical reason and I still got one.  I was pretty upset with myself for quite a while even after my second was born completely med-free.  I finally have reconciled it with myself and I'm ok with my decision.  I still have regret but I'm no longer beating myself up over my decisions I made at the time.  You make decisions based on the information and situation you find yourself in at that time.  You can only make changes in your present to affect the future. 

So, I took the experience I gained from my first birth and vowed to make changes for my second.  It's all I could do, I couldn't change the past so I decided I would do all I could to ensure I got the birth experience I wanted with my next (and final!). 

mAnYaSha

You made the best choices you could at the time and thankfully everyone was ok. It seems that your regret is partially based on the fact that there was no meconium, which was a much better alternative than you not agreeing to induction and there being meconium. It was not your ideal birth and you are very sad about it because your hormones are still in overdrive. But, you did a great job delivering a healthy baby ! 

mystrana

I know how you feel. I love my DS very much and am slowly coming to terms that my birth was the best birth for him, but I did end up getting an epidural after attempting the pushing phase and being unable to make progress. So, I just wanted to say that I know how you feel but you didn't fail and I hope that you can come to peace with your experience. Each birth is special.

jinnymb

I understand this.  I had an epi with my first even though I intended med-free.  I also desperately wanted to breastfeed him and ended up pumping for 4 months and then switching to formula.

I learned my personal mistakes and surrounded myself with people that did those things, and was able to go med-free with my DS2 and ebf for 14 months : ) 

I think birth like any other experience is hard to understand until you have done it.  Now that you know what is going on you can better prepare and gain more confidence.  I know lack of confidence and utter confusion is what stopped me from getting the birth experience and breastfeeding experience with my first. 

The great thing about babies, if you want more than one, is you can change your circumstances for the next.  You can learn from your experiences and move on. 

You had a baby!!  You are obviously a loving and devoted mother and your baby is lucky to have you. Regardless of the circumstances bringing a child into this world is difficult, amazing, and beautiful and you should be so proud of yourself!!

Cheekers2010

I had a very similar story down to the suspected meconium, induction (compete with dead baby threat) incredibly long back labor and malpositioned baby.  I comfort myself all the time with the knowledge that at least I was able to have a vaginal birth. And, the knowledge that given the information I had, I made the decisions that I believed would keep my baby safe.  It's still hard.  Especially knowing that the information I received was wrong.  And, that it's unlikely I'll be able to have another baby so that ordeal was my only birth experience.  Still I can say that two years on my grief has lessened.  I will hope the same for you.  ((hugs))

junie216

Sorry to thread steal, but this is one of my fears.  My first is due in May.  Someone mentioned surrounding yourself with people who have ebf'd or had natural birth.  I'm the first of my family and friends to have a baby.  My husband's friends and family have all had epis, most use formula, etc.  Is there a way to find friends / groups in my area (Cleveland) that support natural birth or ebf'ding?  I feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle.

 FWIW, I am using a great natural birth center attached to a hospital in our area.  And we do plan to take Bradley Classes.

jennakg

You guys are awesome.  It really does help knowing that there are others out there who have had similar experiences.

We do plan on having more kids, and I know with the next one I will be more prepared and educated so I will hopefully be able to kind of experience I didn't get this time.  

I really am just grateful to have a happy, healthy, beautiful baby boy.  

Thanks ladies! 

danuli8

junie216:

Sorry to thread steal, but this is one of my fears.  My first is due in May.  Someone mentioned surrounding yourself with people who have ebf'd or had natural birth.  I'm the first of my family and friends to have a baby.  My husband's friends and family have all had epis, most use formula, etc.  Is there a way to find friends / groups in my area (Cleveland) that support natural birth or ebf'ding?  I feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle.

 FWIW, I am using a great natural birth center attached to a hospital in our area.  And we do plan to take Bradley Classes.

junie, are you talking about the birthing center in--I think it was Westlake? I would love to go there but it is just too far (I am in Kent). I am going with an ob in a hospital but still hoping for a natural birth. I asked a lot of NB questions on the hospital tour and they were all answered "correctly," so I hope I will be able to at least attempt a natural birth.

As far as BF groups go, La Leche League seems to be very active in Northern Ohio. I know a group leader here in town and I plan to lean heavily on her for help with breastfeeding. LLL is a terrific resource.

junie216

danuli8:

junie216:

Sorry to thread steal, but this is one of my fears.  My first is due in May.  Someone mentioned surrounding yourself with people who have ebf'd or had natural birth.  I'm the first of my family and friends to have a baby.  My husband's friends and family have all had epis, most use formula, etc.  Is there a way to find friends / groups in my area (Cleveland) that support natural birth or ebf'ding?  I feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle.

 FWIW, I am using a great natural birth center attached to a hospital in our area.  And we do plan to take Bradley Classes.

junie, are you talking about the birthing center in--I think it was Westlake? I would love to go there but it is just too far (I am in Kent). I am going with an ob in a hospital but still hoping for a natural birth. I asked a lot of NB questions on the hospital tour and they were all answered "correctly," so I hope I will be able to at least attempt a natural birth.

As far as BF groups go, La Leche League seems to be very active in Northern Ohio. I know a group leader here in town and I plan to lean heavily on her for help with breastfeeding. LLL is a terrific resource.

 

Yes I am using St. Johns in Westlake   Good luck with your NB too!!  Thanks for the LLL info I will look that up!