MIL Vent...

lexusolsen

My ILs have boundary issues.  We have been trying to deal with it (well, I'm trying to stay out of it and let my husband deal with it). 

Yesterday, my MIL gave my lactose intolerant daughter a ton of cheese even after I repeatedly told her, "She's had enough cheese today" or "No more please."  Last night LO woke up three times from the horrible gas pains and was crying off and on today.  She was miserable and as a result, we were all miserable. 

When we were first married they would butt into our business and we would ignore them/ avoid them.  I don't want to do that now (I want LO to have a relationship with them and I realize we made it worse by avoiding the issue instead of just dealing with it).  We make an effort to see them weekly.  We both work FT and they are very busy as well.  No matter how much time we spend with them, its never enough.  Last night MIL said, "It was nice to see you guys, but it wasn't long enough".  My husband is finally tired of her "woe is me" act.  His brothers and their families live in Nebraska (we are in CA) so my ILs only see their kids once or twice a year.  I feel like they should appreciate whatever time they get with LO but they seem to think we should make up for the fact that they don't see the other kids.

I'm at my wits end with the woman.  I am trying to let my DH, who hates confrontation, deal with but it is so hard to sit by and watch her undermine our parenting decisions and do WTF she wants.  I'm this close to reminding her that she's the grandmother, not the mom.  Thanks for listening.  I'm not opposed to advice

ChicagoWeded2007

I think weekly is way too much. Especially for a two working parent household. I would tell her you are switching to monthly. Just be firm and be a united front. If she complains, start stretching out the time even m

EastCoastBride

On her feeding your baby next time get up and TAKE YOUR BABY FROM HER. Youre putting your need to be nice, o respectful, or whatever you call it, before your child's health. Stop this!

Mil won't listen? Them take your child away!

And I'm not sure why you all are seeing them weekly. It really only kind of says "do whatever you want and we won't do anything about it".

shannm

bearsbearsbears:

EastCoastBride:

On her feeding your baby next time get up and TAKE YOUR BABY FROM HER. Youre putting your need to be nice, o respectful, or whatever you call it, before your child's health. Stop this! Mil won't listen? Them take your child away! And I'm not sure why you all are seeing them weekly. It really only kind of says "do whatever you want and we won't do anything about it".

This. I don't get why you let your MIL feed her so much cheese when she can't eat it. As a Mom, you need to advocate for your child.

I agree.  Totally preventable.  You see it and say, "oh no, she can't have cheese.  It makes her belly upset."  If it continues, you pick the baby up and take her away. 

lexusolsen

I guess I should have explained in more detail originally. We were meeting them at a taco shop. When we got there they were already eating. I set LO down and went to order our food. When I back to the table I noticed she was eating it. I asked them not to give her more. The same thing happened when we got up to go get the food. I completely agree that I should have done more to prevent it from continuing. I do feel like in the end, it's on my DH and I. I just wish she would stop doing stupid things like this.

DH will be discussing it with them. I think we will pull back a little bit and slowly see them less.

It's a power struggle and I was trying to avoid using my daughter as a pawn in her stupid little game but now I feel like she's backing us into a corner.

Lahardy96

I understand not wanting to say anything. I have what seems to be an amicable relationship with my MIL, but she's takes offense so easily anytime she is criticized and has made comments in the past when dh says something to her (which isn't often b/c he doesn't like confrontation) that she knows he doesn't care and it's all me. Frustrating. And we see her at least once a week b/c she pushes to babysit - which is nice b/c dh and I go work out for a couple of hours, but frustrating b/c she then complains about the traffic to get to our place, yet she wants to see the kids more. What I would say is if I consider my instructions important/not flexible, I will tell her directly, b/c she takes it more seriously for me than dh. And since yours is health related, I think it bears repeating by both of you - many times. Otherwise, when my MIL really upsets me, I vent to my husband and we take at least a week off. I agree I think it's important for my kids to have a relationship with my IL's, but a week or two break doesn't hurt anyone, and helps my sanity significantly.

GreenMonkey1

Sounds like a frank conversation is in order between you, DH, and the inlaws.  I'm all for encouraging a relationship, but not at the expense of my child's health or our sanity.  If your MIL is giving your LO cheese, take the baby away from her and if you have to, leave.   

We're dealing with similar crapola ourselves.  MIL is watching LO once a week (this past Friday was the second time) when I'm at work.  She point blank is not following the feeding schedule - told me Friday "we didn't follow your schedule".  I thought, "ok, maybe she just deviated by 15-minutes, we're cool with that".  Nope, deviated by about 2-hours.  This is after DH told her not to have more than 4-hours between LO's bottles.  So we're stuck with a crabby infant on Friday night who is overtired and hungry for the second week in a row. We're not sure whether she is being incompetent or passive-aggressive/ aggressive.  DH is going to have a lovely conversation with his Mom today about how sticking to LO's schedule is a prerequisite to watching him once a week.  She's going to freak, but quite frankly I don't care.  LO's health and safety come first.  We would rather have LO in daycare another day a week than go through the stress of having him with my husband's parents.

EastCoastBride

lexusolsen:

I do feel like in the end, it's on my DH and I. I just wish she would stop doing stupid things like this. DH will be discussing it with them.

Well, a couple thoughts on this.

First, while normally I'm in the "deal w/ your own parents camp", this now affects YOUR DD.  So, in turn, I don't agree that this is all on DH to handle.  Especially as it's clear that he isn't REALLY handling it.  YOU need to step up.  I'm not saying go off yelling at them, but YOU need to say firmly "This is unacceptable and if you continue to put our DD"s health in jeopardy, I will not be allowing you to see her.".

But, second, I think you need to get on your DH more. Your anger needs to be directed at him for not stepping up.  AND you need to point out to him that HE needs to be angry at his parents too!

 All the BS they may have pulled before- it doesn't matter.  What matters now is that both you and DH have a little person to take care of and protect.  And if there is someone in her life that doesn't put her best interests first, then they don't get access to her.

HE needs to be more pissed off about this!!!!!  Your child is a baby and needs both of you to protect her.  Screw how his parents might react.  They are adults - they'll deal with it.

And really- I still don't get why you're giving people who act like this towards you and your child so much access to your child.  You actually don't OWE them weekly visits - despite what they might say or the guilt they might throw out. 

lexusolsen

EastCoastBride:

lexusolsen:

I do feel like in the end, it's on my DH and I. I just wish she would stop doing stupid things like this. DH will be discussing it with them.

Well, a couple thoughts on this.

First, while normally I'm in the "deal w/ your own parents camp", this now affects YOUR DD.  So, in turn, I don't agree that this is all on DH to handle.  Especially as it's clear that he isn't REALLY handling it.  YOU need to step up.  I'm not saying go off yelling at them, but YOU need to say firmly "This is unacceptable and if you continue to put our DD"s health in jeopardy, I will not be allowing you to see her.".

But, second, I think you need to get on your DH more. Your anger needs to be directed at him for not stepping up.  AND you need to point out to him that HE needs to be angry at his parents too!

 All the BS they may have pulled before- it doesn't matter.  What matters now is that both you and DH have a little person to take care of and protect.  And if there is someone in her life that doesn't put her best interests first, then they don't get access to her.

HE needs to be more pissed off about this!!!!!  Your child is a baby and needs both of you to protect her.  Screw how his parents might react.  They are adults - they'll deal with it.

And really- I still don't get why you're giving people who act like this towards you and your child so much access to your child.  You actually don't OWE them weekly visits - despite what they might say or the guilt they might throw out. 

I agree with you. H's birthday is in two weeks and we can wait until then to see them. I reminded H when we talked about it that it isn't like I'm making a list of unrealistic demands but asking them to use common sense when interacting with our child. I told him that I'm not taking a back seat and letting him handle it anymore. I'm sure it sucks to be in his position but I'm not the one putting him there, his mother is.

Netty_3

I hope your DH is able to get through to her!  Sorry.

EastCoastBride

lexusolsen:

I agree with you. H's birthday is in two weeks and we can wait until then to see them. I reminded H when we talked about it that it isn't like I'm making a list of unrealistic demands but asking them to use common sense when interacting with our child. I told him that I'm not taking a back seat and letting him handle it anymore. I'm sure it sucks to be in his position but I'm not the one putting him there, his mother is.

Exactly! 

 Good luck.  I feel the biggest thing he needs to realize is that it's no longer his job as her son to appease his mom.  His job now is to protect his DD and keep her safe.  And if that even means from his own mother, that HAS TO BE where his priority lies. 

footnotegirl

lexusolsen:

Yesterday, my MIL gave my lactose intolerant daughter a ton of cheese even after I repeatedly told her, "She's had enough cheese today" or "No more please."  Last night LO woke up three times from the horrible gas pains and was crying off and on today.  She was miserable and as a result, we were all miserable. 

...

When we were first married they would butt into our business and we would ignore them/ avoid them.  I don't want to do that now (I want LO to have a relationship with them and I realize we made it worse by avoiding the issue instead of just dealing with it). 

Okay, here is my question. 

Why is it important for your children to have a relationship with people who INTENTIONALLY MAKE HER ILL? Because that is what they are doing. They know that she is lactose intolerant, that milk products cause her pain and discomfort, and they continue to give her cheese.  I fail to see how this is a positive thing that your LO needs in her life.

Your LO needs happy parents with as little stress in their lives as possible. Time for a come to jesus meeting with the IL's where they are informed that they listen to you about how things will go with your child, or they don't get to see her. This is not an unreasonable rule, especially when the things that they want to do with your child literally make her physically ill. 

And yes, I'm hard line on these things. My mother kept her mother in our lives even though she was a poisonous, horrible person. My whole family would have been better off without that woman in our lives.