I'm scared of the stuff that DIDN'T happen to me

weddedwife

Is anyone else like this?

I passed my loss milestone (albeit in the hospital, by the skin of my teeth) and the whole scary week that surrounded that. My risk of PTL has gone WAY down and if the baby were born today things could really go very well. Now I am TERRIFIED about the baby not moving anymore, something happening in utero, something happening during delivery, etc. Right now I keep worrying about the baby's heart just stopping. I worry that maybe it would be better to have the baby right now, something else could go wrong in the next 6-8 weeks...

I know a lot of it is that I now know other mamas that had full term stillbirths, etc. I was naive to this stuff before. It was essential that I connect with other loss mamas after N died- but for better or worse, now I'm worried about the stuff that happened to other moms. Does anyone else feel like this and how do you deal with it?

pinktrojanbride120107

I think we all have a heightened awareness that births don't always go as planned because we are a part of this community. I don't have advice for overcoming fears, except to pray and hope for the best, I guess.

kelly321

pinktrojanbride120107:

I think we all have a heightened awareness that births don't always go as planned because we are a part of this community. I don't have advice for overcoming fears, except to pray and hope for the best, I guess.

This. I don't know anyone IRL who had even a late-term loss, let alone a full-term one, but getting to know people here after my loss has opened my eyes to the fact that it's not as uncommon as I thought. I remember when I had DD 6 weeks early, I told my midwife that the one good thing was that now she was outside of me and if something went wrong, the doctors could at least try to do something. Even with her I was afraid of the cord getting wrapped around her neck too tightly or something. So I think these kinds of fears are normal as long as they don't consume you. I just chalk it up to normal fears of being a mom, just like being afraid of SIDS with an infant. They're not unrealistic, but there's not a lot you can do to prevent them from happening.

zombiemommy

I am so right there with you and I agree that I think it just comes from being a part of the loss community now and therefore being less naive about the risks of pregnancy and parenting. I frequently find myself thinking that they'd be safer out than in, even though I know that's not necessarily true at all. 

I still worry all of the time, but my doppler helps keep me sane, as does taking some time out to lay down and really clear my mind to just focus on kick counts and feeling them. It also doesn't hurt that I'm monitored almost constantly, but despite all of these things, I'm with you. I still worry all the time, but I wouldn't trade it for my former ignorance, and I thank my first LO for helping to educate me. In 10 short weeks she changed my life and prepared me for motherhood in more ways than I ever thought possible.

orangegoggles

((Hugs)) I did not have a late loss but I sort of know what you mean. I used to worry all the time when I couldn't feel the baby. Now that I feel the baby I worry about other things, what happens if I get in a car accident? What happens if my labor is too stressful for the baby and he doens't make it through? Cord accidents? What if his heart just stops beating?

I don't have a lot of advice except that I understand. I think what the other ladies have said it right, being a part of the loss community opens your eyes to what can happen and its in our nature to worry. (((Hugs)))

Cherry1111

Yep, I am right there with you. If he moves less than he did the day before - cue freak out. Thats just one of many fears and anxiety I'm having. 

JessicaRobb

We lost our first baby to a cord accident. All this pregnancy I have worried about preterm labor, pre-e, etc. I found a lot of support on loss boards  but they have made me more aware of other issues. I'm ten weeks out from my loss milestone and still fighting with my PGAL mind.

I have to constantly remind myself that most pregnancies result in healthy babies. 

melly918

I am with you...I was so naive with my first...it was a perfect pregnancy but he had heart rate issues during the early stage of labor. The nurse warned me I might need an emergency c-section.  Luckily everything worked out fine but ever since I became PgAL I learn more and more about how others had late term losses and it really opened my eyes.

 The only way I can get through this is to not think about it and keep the faith! 

butterfly2119

Yes I feel the same way. My daughter passed away when she was 4 months old from sids. I'm currently 34 weeks pregnant and my fear is her heart will stop beating. Now we know that anything can happen for no reason at all. I made the mistake of telling my ob my fears and she tried to comfort me that that's a "rare" thing. I was upset with her to say that. I was trying to get her to understand that I'm on a community board and that no this is not a rare thing this happens everyday to people and some people experience loss after loss after loss. I'm scared I might even have another sids baby. I'm scared to get attached to this one to. So she handed me a post partum depression brochure   But being in this community board I'm glad that I'm not going crazy and we are all feeling these emotions and worries together.

philfemgal

We are only a few days past our loss milestone and still completely in the territory of PTL fears.  But I do worry that we might end up in the same place if we do make it to the third trimester.  I've had the same experience of the one downside of all the support I've found in real life and online in the loss community, that now we know so many stories of things going so horribly wrong at all points in pregnancy.

One thing I am hoping can help us with those sorts of fears is trying to put them in statistical context.  For example, the kinds of losses that didn't previously happen to me--and/or which are not something which are at all likely to reoccur anyway--what are the chances of them happening in the 3rd trimester?  Very, very low.  What are the chances of some other bad thing--totally unrelated to the pregnancy--happening? (e.g. Some significant health problem or accident for my wife or parents.  One of us losing our jobs.  Me dying in a crash on the highway given I commute 6 hours of highway driving a week.)  These things are also similarly unlikely to happen.  And for the most part, I don't worry about them. 

So (I try to convince myself) it makes no sense for me to worry about a full-term cord accident but not worry about a deadly car accident or financial ruin.  Of course the danger of trying to reason with myself this way is that I might just give myself new things to worry about!  (But hey even that might be an ok thing inasmuch as it would take away some of the constant anxiety about the pregnancy.)

Regne

I have these fears all.the.time.  My two m/c were at 12 wks and 8 wks, but here I am at 30 weeks, still waiting for something horrible to happen. Sometimes it helps for me to visualize a healthy baby. Also sometimes I try to think about the little things, like what to register for or what to pack in my take-home bag from the hospital, and sometimes that takes my mind off the huge, looming negative thoughts.

Just kno, you are definitely not alone in your fears!

blessedhope

Yes, I very much understand. I have even verbalised this thought to my mom who lost twin boys due to medical malpractice over 20 years ago. I told her how more than anything communicating with other babylost mom's is what makes me feel not so alone but at the same time I now worry about things I never knew exsisted.

During my pregnancy with Titus, an acquaintance of mine had a late stillbirth. I remember when I got that phone call my whole body was shaking and I began to beg God for the safety of my baby in the womb. When i went into labor I remember thinking how relived I was that my worries were over and I had made it to the end. Then I lost him during childbirth.

So really, I don't know how to deal with it. Last night I felt the baby flip around and I told my H, "I get scared when her whole body turns like that because I'm afraid she'll wrap the cord around her neck." He answered, "You are scared when she moves and freaking out when she doesn't move?" Yep. That's me. A little looney right now.

Big understanding hugs, I wish I had more advice to offer.

 

KMac570

I do the same thing.  This community and other loss boards (and SCH support groups) have been invaluable to me in helping me cope with my losses and the difficulties which we have faced in this pregnancy so far, but they have certainly made me much more aware of all of the other things that can go wrong.  I find myself worrying that his heart will stop beating, and of pre-e and other late pregnancy issues all of the time.  I don't really have a solution to offer unfortunately.  I just try my best to not let myself focus on what "could happen" too much.  {{hug}}

Carolee

Yep, this is me right now.  I'm absolutely terrified of EVERYTHING.  I think it's because I know too much.  I know almost every bad outcome there is, because someone I "know" online has experienced it.  I also know it's not rational for me to believe that all of those things will happen to me, but that doesn't mean I'm not worrying about it.  I'm having a really hard time dealing with all of the anxiety right now...I'm just so afraid we're not going to be able to take home our little girl either. 

weddedwife

As crappy as it is that we're all nutso scared, I'm relieved to know I'm not the only one feeling this way. The statistics don't help anymore when you've been on the losing end of a 1 percent odds!

Philfemgal, you make a good point. There's so much to worry about in this world, we can't take it all on at once. And it certainly can open the floodgates to all other kinds of worries.

I do try to distract myself with concrete tasks lately: making a list for a bag to pack, Christmas shopping, etc. Can't bring myself to buy anything for this LO though, not even diapers. I have browsed online at birth announcements but in a casual sort of way. Every now and then I find myself thinking "when" and not "if" the baby comes home but immediately the fears rush in that I am "setting myself up" for more heartache, as though there could possibly be any more heartache if the unthinkable does happen.

I really just want the best for all of us; not that anyone deserves to suffer a loss at all, let alone a late loss. But I can't help but think we've "done our time" and we deserve take home babies!!

tetiananina

I'm right there with you, Jackson hasn't been as active my Dr isn't concerned but I think the exact same thing, wouldn't he just be safer outside. Of course I truly don't want him before 37 weeks so his lungs are developed but I think the exact same. I'm not sure any moment as PgAL ever goes away. 

jbg23

I'm right there with you as well. Being in this community, despite the massive help it has been, has opened my eyes to the huge array of possible things that could go wrong and I'm more than a little freaked out/paranoid about this pregnancy.