Special Needs

Family in denial with Dx? Vent

DS is in the process of being diagnosed with ASD. The pedi is pretty certain of it, and referred us to a developmental evaluation which was done recently. The specialists at that evaluation agree with the pedi and recommend we move forward with the autism evaluation.

We haven't told many people that this is going on so I don't have anyone to vent to really. My parents and DH's parents know what is going on. My parent's are pretty understanding about the whole thing, but MIL is in pretty big denial. Every once in a while she will throw in a comment showing her denial and I'm at a point where I just don't want to hear it anymore. DH says he thinks she is trying to "wish it away". 

Anyone go through something like this? What did you do/say? Did you just ignore it and wait for the person to come to terms with it on their own? 

I'm at a point where I'm considering not updating her on appointments and whatnot regarding the autism testing and everything until we get the final word after the evaluation is over because I'm just tired of hearing her opinion on it, but that makes me feel bad because she is like a mom too me (we are very close) and I don't want to exclude her in the information about whats going on. KWIM?

image Lilypie Third Birthday tickers Lilypie First Birthday tickers

Re: Family in denial with Dx? Vent

  • I wouldn't update her until you have a dx. She's being obstructive, and so not bringing it up is a perfectly fine consequence and way to deal with her. There are plenty of other things I'm sure you can talk about in your son's life. 

    If she's not going to be supportive, she doesn't need the updates because she's chosen not to be on board. She'll deal with a dx in her own time. Another thing to consider -- if she's that resistant, she may actually prefer not to be updated because then it's easier to live in denial. :P

    We didn't tell anyone that DD1 was being evaluated. Partly because if we were wrong and it was nothing, we didn't feel that anyone needed to know. Partly because DH was not yet 100% on board that anything was up (although he was supportive of her eval) and I didn't need anybody else shrugging me off and telling me I was a paranoid first-time mom with unrealistic expectations. I was second-guessing myself enough, I didn't feel like dealing with the well-meaning-but-wrong "she's fine!"  

    I'm sure that when we actually shared the dx, it came as a shock to our families b/c they had no idea that it might be coming. I love them, but their feelings were not the most important thing going on, KWIM? And because their first news that something was up came with a professional's authority behind it (i.e. "DD1 has been diagnosed with autism" vs. "We're worried & having her evaluated"), IMO it was harder to deny or belittle. But a lot of that depends on the personalities involved. 

    Even now, we're rather selective in what we share. We may mention changes in therapy or progress and we don't avoid talking about it, per se, but at the same time we don't really get into the details with our families. It might be different if our families lived in state and we saw them often, but they're all very far away.   

    image

    DD1, 1/5/2008 ~~~ DD2, 3/17/2010
  • I think family denial is pretty common. DD's grandmother on her dad's side as well as her own dad were in denial when DD was diagnosed with AS at 7. In fact, they still don't "agree" with the diagnosis. Luckily, he's my ex so I don't really have to deal with his denial. My parents were questionable at first, but once I brought them some books on AS to read they quickly realized on their own that DD fit the bill and have been supportive ever since.
    DD(14),SD(13),SS(11),SS(9),DS(3)

  • Loading the player...
  • We still have some family in denial over Lauren's diagnosis...and she has the typical facial characteristics often associated with Down syndrome. I think people tend to deny, deny, deny when they're scared.
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
  • Wow this sounds like you are talking about my in laws. They are still in denial about my daughter having CF even though DNA proved she has it.

    It is hard. When ever I talk about CF they just change the subject. I just don't tell them every little thing. It is hard because we used to talk almost everyday now we talk just a couple times a month if that.

     I would just not tell them anything until you know for sure and then do your best to educate them. It is not easy but maybe it will help.

    good luck. 

This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards
"
"