How do you deal with LO learning bad things at preschool — The Bump
Pre-School

How do you deal with LO learning bad things at preschool

Mainly name calling. Our DD has a friend at school who is a bit aggressive with her but I've been able to teach her some tools to work with that. The problem we are having is that her friend also calls other mean names when she gets mad and my DD has picked up some terms that are not allowed in our household and has called either her dad or myself by those names. One of them is pretty bad and she has already used it towards me three times. I've told her that we don't call people names, that it hurts people's feeling, etc. and that even if her friend uses those words we don't allow it nor want her to use them at home or school. I know that she does not know what the word means but she is using it when she is mad at me so she knows that it is not a nice thing to do. How do I get her to stop the name calling? Should I ignore it and how it goes away? Keep telling her that we don't talk that way? What has worked for you? I cannot believe I have to deal with this already and she is only four.

Re: How do you deal with LO learning bad things at preschool

  • My rule has been that I walk away whenever DD is doing something unacceptable - i.e. name calling. I'll tell her once or twice that its unacceptable, but then I'll just walk away on subsequent attempts. I don't leave the house or anything, but I'll go upstairs or to another room and just say "that hurts my feelings" or "I don't like that" and leave. That's what I tell her to do if somebody does something that hurts her feelings or she doesn't like, so it sets the example. She'll normally come crying and apologize in about 5 minutes. We've had to do this a handful of times for different things.
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  • DS has started name calling since starting daycare full time. We have explained that name calling hurts feelings and all of that stuff, but it still happens. We follow 1, 2, 3 Magic, so when he reaches his third warning he goes straight to time out. I'm finding this helps with not repeating bad names and it makes the name calling less of a joke to him. He will get 1, and then instead of challenging us and saying the name again, he is more inclined to tell us about someone at school who used the name, and then we have our talk about bad names and how to be a good friend.

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  • My DD is typically nurtuting and kind.  But last year she picked up "retarded" from a classmate.  There were a few bullies and I knew she would start soon (it's a co-op school, so you see what's going on).  This child was bullying the special ed kids in their class calling them retarded, dumb, you name it.  DD knew he was the alpha in that class and wanted to be top dog, too.  So she copied him.

    She came home and called delayed DS retarded and laughed.  I asked her where she learned it, what it meant and why she said it.  And she told me who said it, what it means, and that she thought it was funny.  I saw red-purple-black... she was laughing.  I put her in the room, told her I was furious and would come get her when I calmed down. 

    She proclaimed it was still funny.  So I told her if she spoke like that and she learned it at school, then she wouldn't go to school until it was no longer funny,  She missed a full week of preschool before she stopped. 

    Now for everything- mostly tattling, yelling, and name calling (which rarely happens), I ask if she is telling me to get someone in trouble, to get help, to give me information, or to hurt my feelings.  And then I walk away if it is anything but informative/get help in a dangerous situation....

    During the retarded phase I told her we are a family, and what one of us is, we all are, so I had her say ____ is retarded.  About everyone in our family.  That actually really affected her because she wasn't trying to hurt everyone in our family.  She is a very kind and affectionate and nurturing kid and I thinkk she saw how hurtful it was that way.  She wouldn't finish so I finished for her and she was begging me to stop saying those words...    I think it could backfire in a different type of kid, but it really shook her core.

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