I haven't seen a lot of this

jlcrane78

I clicked some of the posts that mentioned adopting an older child, then I found those posts generally corresponded with a 4 year old or so. I'm actually giving serious consideration to a 12 year old. Anyone with experience with a child that old? Also, I'm 33. Realistically, I am "old enough to be her mother," but I have never had a child. Would it make me a lesser adoptive parent to take on a tween having had absolutely no parenting experience? I don't know if that makes sense as I've typed it. I'd love some honest opinions.

jillianmb

There is a need for people who will adopt older children and I think it is great that you will consider filling that need!  I think yes it would be difficult to parent a 12 year old with no parenting experience, however there are benefits as well.  People who have parented typical children will have to "unlearn" a lot of their parenting techniques to parent an adopted 12 year old who will come into the family with a lot of history.  Since this will be a first time for you, however, you will learn how to parent this particular child right off that bat which is great!

One thing to also consider is that older children often have a "recommended family scenario" (at least from what I've seen in our state) which might be a single child family or might be a bigger family, being the youngest etc. Does this girl have a recommended family scenario?

If I were you I would consider meeting with a therapist who has a specialization in older child adoption and attachment and get a feel for the issues you will likely be dealing with.  That will give you a good idea of whether you are equipped to move forward.  

GL!

jlcrane78

jillianmb:

There is a need for people who will adopt older children and I think it is great that you will consider filling that need!nbsp; I think yes it would be difficult to parent a 12 year old with no parenting experience, however there are benefits as well.nbsp; People who have parented typical children will have to "unlearn" a lot of their parenting techniques to parent an adopted 12 year old who will come into the family with a lot of history.nbsp; Since this will be a first time for you, however, you will learn how to parent this particular child right off that bat which is great!One thing to also consider is that older children often have a "recommended family scenario" at least from what I've seen in our state which might be a single child family or might be a bigger family, being the youngest etc. Does this girl have a recommended family scenario? If I were you I would consider meeting with a therapist who has a specialization in older child adoption and attachment and get a feel for the issues you will likely be dealing with.nbsp; That will give you a good idea of whether you are equipped to move forward. nbsp;GL!

I think that's what I was getting at. I'd be taking on a child at an already challenging stage in development, even outside of factoring adoption in. I think a lot of it is fear of the unknown. And will she have difficulty thinking of me as her mom since I am young? I think I respond well to teenagers, but I want her to think of me as a mom and not as a sister/friend type. If I brought her home when I was 24 and she was 4, then we'd have aged as a family in a way that seems natural. I'm freaked out her foster parents will be older than me, and I won't look like a mom to her. Typing it out makes it seem almost ridiculous. But it helps to share my fears.

I'm really thankful you gave me perspective on how positive this could be since I don't have preconceived notions on what works as far as parenting. On her profile, she seems very well adjusted, which is good news if true. She's in counseling, and of course she'd continue that here if we were able to adopt her. I wouldn't fight hard to bring a child into our home unless I was extremely confident it was a good fit and didn't believe we were getting in over our heads. Obviously there are some things we won't be able to anticipate, but we're also not going to intentionally bite off more than we can chew.

jlcrane78

fredalina:

A "lesser adoptive mother"? Definitely not!

I know. Silly wording for me to use. I just don't want my inexperience to be a detriment to her. I imagine there are a lot of adoptive moms that are the most incredible moms in the world. I can't guarantee I'll win mom of the year due to my inexperience, but I can guarantee that she will be loved and safe and provided for permanently.

jlcrane78

https://www.adoptivefamiliescircle.com/blogs/post/older-parent-adoption-childrens-feelings-fears/

 

Found this while I was looking on a site.  It's the reverse of my own situation-LOL!

kaitylin

We are looking into being foster parents and can hopefully start pursuing it further in the next year or so. I had DD when I was 23 so I'll be 35 when she's 12. Honestly, when I was 12 I thought anyone over 25 was "old" and wouldn't have thought twice about it. My mom married my dad when she was 21 and he had 10 year old daughter (he was a teen parent). My half sister grew up idolizing my mom and she says it helped that my mom was young because she felt she could relate to her and she ended up living full time with my mom and dad once she entered high school. Her mom was a teen mom so she may have been used to a young parent. Do you know anything about this girls background (parents/foster parents age, etc?) I don't see it being a problem but it would depend on the situation.

lizlemon2

I commend you for even considering adopting a 12 yo or older child.  It is not something I am willing to do at this point in my life.  I am a social worker with mostly adolescents, so I definitely see the need for it.

 

I think it can be okay that you don't have direct parenting experience.  But do you have a lot of experience with teens? Either from a job, little siblings, nieces, church, etc?  Pre-teens and teens can be very demanding, rebellious, and test limits.  They also can be very sweet, curious, and need a lot of guidance.  It may help a certain child that they would be an only child in your home.

Allie-Jo

Adopting an older child/sibling group is something that is on my bucket list, but seeing as DH and I are only 24, it would be a little bit difficult with the whole "not being old enough to be their mother" thing, but I even get a little excited thinking about it later, possibly after we have adopted an infant/toddler already.

GL to you!  I think you will do great.  I think we can have all the preparation in the world and sometimes it just doesn't matter...the basics are good to know but each child is different.  You might be just what this child needs.

jlcrane78

kaitylin:

We are looking into being foster parents and can hopefully start pursuing it further in the next year or so. I had DD when I was 23 so I'll be 35 when she's 12. Honestly, when I was 12 I thought anyone over 25 was "old" and wouldn't have thought twice about it. My mom married my dad when she was 21 and he had 10 year old daughter he was a teen parent. My half sister grew up idolizing my mom and she says it helped that my mom was young because she felt she could relate to her and she ended up living full time with my mom and dad once she entered high school. Her mom was a teen mom so she may have been used to a young parent. Do you know anything about this girls background parents/foster parents age, etc? I don't see it being a problem but it would depend on the situation.

Thank you for this. All of it. I never thought I'd want to appear older, but in this case I feel like I need to. Sadly, I don't know a whole lot about her past just yet or what her foster situation looks like. I am just getting started, so I won't have access to the whole picture until my training is complete.

I am fully aware she could be adopted before DH and I get our ducks in a row. But 1 I have to at least try, and 2 she definitely wouldn't be the only 12 year old we'd consider.

I do know the birth mom is not in the picture. She was staying with an aunt, but something went poorly and she was placed into foster care with a nonrelative. She's been in foster care for 4 years now, though this is the first time I've seen her on a publicly accessible site.

jlcrane78

lizlemon2:

I commend you for even considering adopting a 12 yo or older child.nbsp; It is not something I am willing to do at this point in my life.nbsp; I am a social worker with mostly adolescents, so I definitely see the need for it.nbsp;I think it can be okay that you don't have direct parenting experience.nbsp; But do you have a lot of experience with teens? Either from a job, little siblings, nieces, church, etc?nbsp; Preteens and teens can be very demanding, rebellious, and test limits.nbsp; They also can be very sweet, curious, and need a lot of guidance.nbsp; It may help a certain child that they would be an only child in your home.

See, that's the pro and the con to me. Through church I have had experience around teens, and I feel like I relate to them really well. I think that ability to relate would be a really strong asset. But again, I've been thought of in that older sister sense. I'm not here to be the friend/older sister. I'm here to be the mom. And while my mom is MY friend, and I want to be this girl's friend, my role as a mom has to come first. So long as she can view me as mom or a motherly type we'd be just fine.

DaisyZH

jlcrane78:

lizlemon2:

I commend you for even considering adopting a 12 yo or older child.nbsp; It is not something I am willing to do at this point in my life.nbsp; I am a social worker with mostly adolescents, so I definitely see the need for it.nbsp;I think it can be okay that you don't have direct parenting experience.nbsp; But do you have a lot of experience with teens? Either from a job, little siblings, nieces, church, etc?nbsp; Preteens and teens can be very demanding, rebellious, and test limits.nbsp; They also can be very sweet, curious, and need a lot of guidance.nbsp; It may help a certain child that they would be an only child in your home.

See, that's the pro and the con to me. Through church I have had experience around teens, and I feel like I relate to them really well. I think that ability to relate would be a really strong asset. But again, I've been thought of in that older sister sense. I'm not here to be the friend/older sister. I'm here to be the mom. And while my mom is MY friend, and I want to be this girl's friend, my role as a mom has to come first. So long as she can view me as mom or a motherly type we'd be just fine.

You've obviously put a lot of thought into this, which is wonderful. I don't think you would be a "lesser parent" at all, not even a teeny tiny bit. Kids need their parents their whole lives, and I sometimes think the hardest things we go through are as adults and we need our parents as support. I also agree with PP saying that younger teens tend to lump all adults in the same category - my DH teaches pre-teens music lessons and they all thought he was a good 15-20 years older than he actually is! He doesn't look older, just most teens seem to assume all adults are in their 40s.

CaptainSerious

Honestly, I think most 13 year-olds would consider anyone in their 30s old.  I don't think you have to worry about her seeing you as an older sibling, but I do believe that the number one thing to establish the dynamic you want is to set the parameters right from the first moment.  We were counseled not to be afraid to be strong parents right at the start--to set our ground rules on the first day and discipline as we intended right from the beginning.  Children in uncertain situations feel unsettled, and unless they have a clear understanding of what's expected of them, they will not feel safe.  By establishing your rules and discipline right from the start, you'll be clearly setting up the relationship as parent-child, and I believe it will take a form quite unlike the one you had with those other teenagers.

That being said, before you adopt her, I highly recommend you read the following books on older child adoption.  The first was a great guide for us (we adopted my oldest son at age 7, although he's likely 1.5 years older), and when I read the second (about two years after M's adoption), I was pleasantly surprised at how accurately it captured many of my feelings during his transition period.

Parenting the Hurt Child: Helping Adoptive Families Heal and Grow

 

Wounded Children, Healing Homes: How Traumatized Children Impact Adoptive and Foster Families