first post here and it's long; helping a child with loss of loved one

AM926

Okay (not so) quick back story... DH's dad has been living with us since we got married due to some odd circumstances. Just over two years ago he was diagnosed with esophageal cancer and underwent chemo/radiation treatments. 6 months ago he was told that his cancer had spread and he decided he didn't want more treatments. The past 8 weeks or so he's been on hospice and I have been his full time caregiver. Monday night he passed away.

My DD just turned 2 and has been very confused about where her "Pop Pop" has gone. I talked with her at bedtime the other night and told her that pop pop isn't here anymore and went to heaven to live with Jesus. I was unsure of what or how much to tell her since she's still so young, I still can't seem to find the right words and usually end up in tears (no matter how hard I fight it) every time she says his name.

The last 4 days have been nothing but a stream of temper tantrums and acting out. She just started to enter that stage before Pop Pop got sick and I know all the stress and emotion in our household is probably only making it worse. I know my patience is short and my temper is elevated and I keep trying to keep my cool with her because I know she's confused and grieving in her own little kid way. I feel like I'm loosing it with these tantrums though and nothing seems to be working.

DH and I took her out to lunch today just to get us out of the house and I ended up having to take her out of the restaurant before our food even came because she had a full blown meltdown over me not letting her stick her whole hand in the salsa. Yesterday my nephew was here who is just a few months older and she was hitting and throwing toys. I put her in time out 4 times while they were here and all she did was sit there without crying or whining, got up when the time was over and did the same things again. I feel like I'm failing as a parent and I know if I wasn't grieving myself, the situation would probably be different. I guess I'm just looking for any kind of advice on how to help her and I both deal with this difficult time.

TIA and if you got through all that... bravo!

TMDMJAOCT07

I don't have any suggestions, but wanted to offer my condolences and hugs. 

 

Thinking of you and your family. 

XCrissCrossX

When you talk to her, do you phrase it in ways that is her-centric? For example, "Pop-pop had to leave. We won't see him again for a very long time. That makes me sad. Does it make you sad too? We're going to miss him and it's okay to be sad about it. Pop-pop was sick and he feels better now but he misses us too." Talk about her feelings since she probably can't identify them.

I'd make sure to keep disciplining her for inappropriate behavior but I'd also make sure to give her time to "talk" or cry or just cuddle. And it's probably good for her to see you grieving, so don't worry about starting to cry in front of her.

Lariah14

I'm so sorry for your family's loss. I would recommend contacting the hospice or a child psychologist, ask for their recommendations.

SarahC99

I'm so sorry for your loss.  As PP mentioned, I would reach out to your hospice.  I know ours has a program specifically for the children affected, although I am not sure the target age, but they may give you some suggestions or support.  I also concur with the PP about verbalizing her emotions since she is too young to express, and saying that it is okay to be sad or upset and that you are too, but that Pop pops better now and he loves her from heaven or however you want top ain't that picture.  That is a lot of emotion for you and you DH to deal with on your own, let alone to deal with your toddlers.'

mamainseptember

I am so sorry for your loss. I know this doesn't equate, but we lived with my parents from January until September of this year. When we moved out, DS was very confused. He asked where "Nana and Pop" were ALL the time. We only see my parents once a week now so the other 6 days I had to explain to him that Nana and Pop weren't here right now but we would see them again. He had a few weeks of asking everyday where they were and after a month he understood that he didn't get to see them everyday. During that span of time he would get very angry and throw fits to see Nana and Pop, we would just re-direct him and try and get him onto something else. I hope things get better, I can't imagine what your going through.

Brewtowngrl

DS was 3 when he started asking where my dad was.  I told him that there is a superhero called God that lives above the clouds.  God needed help and asked my dad.  I told him that my dad can see him and loves him.  I also told him that every once in awhile God needs more help and will ask someone else to come.  She is probably too young for this, but maybe it will help.  

I am sorry for your loss.   

dette7820

I don't know about how to speak to them directly about loss, but I do know that with DD1 it helps when she can't find her words-- for her and mommy/daddy to go "have a talk" on our stairway landing. I am not sure why this works, but it helps her to feel like the she can talk to us about why she is upset. I start off with "why are you sad" and I give her possible suggestions. We have been doing this for about a month and it's helping her to identify how she is feeling. It also helps to remove her from the situation at hand and help her to re-group.

 

Good luck and I am sorry for your loss.

meg1974

I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sure this is a very difficult situation for everyone.

The only thing I can think of is to get her books that explain what happened. I've seen a few at our local library, and I'm sure you could find some at book stores and online too. My DD learns a lot from books, so maybe that will help?

The only other suggestion I have is to see if there is a professional counselor in your area who can talk with her or give you some advice. There might be a help line provided by the county or something that you can call.

GL! 

LSU628

If you  have a library near you, you may want to look into the book "Nana Upstairs, Nana Downstairs". It's one of my favorite books for explaining to kids the loss of a grandparent. It's been a while since I've read it to a group of kids (I"m a school counselor) so it may be over her head. I know I've used it with pre-k4 so it might be OK with a 2 year old.

AM926

Thank you ladies so very much for all your advice. I contacted hospice today and they are sending my some information and some books to read to her. They are also going to have the social worker call us on Monday to see if she has any additional advice. I will also check out the book that one PP mentioned.

She and I spent almost 2 hours this morning having cuddle time with some books and Disney Junior! I think it helped some to just to spend time alone. We also talked about our feelings and how mommy and daddy were sad and it was okay if she was sad too. I found a book in her collection about being sad so that helped some. She only had 1 temper tantrum today and it was short lived, so hopefully we're on the right track here.

Thank you also for your condolences and prayers!

XCrissCrossX

I'm glad she seems to be improving! I just had a thought- could she be worried that you or your husband might disappear on her one day? She might need it explained that Pop-pop left because he was sick and that you and DH aren't sick and aren't planning to go anywhere.