Don't know who else to talk to....

najzomax

My husband and I just got in yet another fight. He thinks I'm lazy and am not trying hard enough around the house and using LO as an excuse. I say for a man who can't watch her for more than 30 minutes he should be more understanding. She only naps for 20-30 min unless you hold her and will only play on her own for about the same amount of time. I do the dishes, load/unload the dishwasher, do at least one load of laundry, sweep the floor, and try to do at least one other thing every day. And I also cook dinner 90% of the time... My house if far from perfect but its not like I do nothing. He thinks I watch tv and play iPad while she plays quietly on her own and that is not the case!

i say watching tv with LO is not spending quality time with her and 4-6 hours of video games on a week night is excessive. I also think that since we started getting up at 7 (LO used to sleep until 9) so he didn't have to get up alone for work, he should be getting up with us at least one weekend morning. He sleeps in both mornings every weekend, even when his kids (I have two stepchildren) are over while I am up with all three. He agreed to get up with us in the morning but says if he gets up with us he's taking a nap in the afternoon.

I can't leave LO alone with him because he freaks out. He can't put her to sleep but when I offer to help him learn how he refuses. He says she will only sleep for me and yet both my mom and my best friend can get her to sleep with a little extra effort.  

I can't even take a damn shower without him either telling me to hurry up or wait until she's in bed, never mind seeing my friends for even a coffee. I love my daughter more than anything but it would be nice to be able to go to the store for half an hour alone without him getting upset about it....

sorry for the long rant but I just don't know what to do. 

stemms8810

Wow, sorry but your husband sounds like a jerk.  Some couples counseling may help to compromise and get on the same page about everything.  Being a mom is hard enough and you need support from your husband.  Sorry this is happening.  I would be upset all the time if my husband acted like that.  Sorry I don't have better advice.

bellelamb

Hugs
No good advice but I can't imagine how hard that would be. Being a sahm is so much harder than most people understand. I'm sorry your husband doesn't see all you do.

littleredfish

If DH said something like that to me, he'd be living a day in my shoes on a weekend to see just how much better he could do it. Maybe run that by him.
In all honesty tho, I ditto couples counselling. He sounds incredibly unappreciative.

LadyTyler

I agree with the pp about the counseling. It is hard to see where to even start when he is that far gone.

I mentioned to another poster this week that I honestly just told my husband that watching tv with LO was not acceptable and showed him how the AAP doesn't recommend any screen time for under 2 and had the pediatrician back me up.

Do you have any idea why he thinks that a.) you are being lazy and b.) he doesn't have to do any work? Perhaps point out that all of these children are HIS children and he has responsibilities too? If he gets to nap because he's getting up early, you get to too while he is watching the kids. Period. There is no reason for him to get special privileges.

angelfire02

bellelamb:

Hugs No good advice but I can't imagine how hard that would be. Being a sahm is so much harder than most people understand. I'm sorry your husband doesn't see all you do.

This.  Hugs to you, and I will share one piece of advice I was given that has made me feel better about similar struggles.  "Don't make any major life decisions in the first year of your baby's life.  So much changes just with baby, give yourself, your husband, your marriage, time to adjust before jumping in or out of anything."  Just something to think about, give it time.  And I'm really sorry it's so hard.

MelissaMiso

Couples counseling. If he's not willing to go, go yourself. Take a look at life before baby. Were you two having problems then? Or did they start after the baby arrived? If it's the latter of the two, have a good talk with him about your feelings and what you do all day (I'd even track your daily routine for a week to show him how your time is spent). If it were me, I might also solicit the help/support of a family member that my husband respects and will listen to. I'd talk to that person about my feelings and ask for help in giving my husband perspective. But that would be dependent on if talking about your business to others will help or if it will fan the flames for "airing your dirty laundry" so to speak. If it would make things work, then definitely a seek a counselor as a neutral third party. Good luck.

najzomax

Thanks everyone. He feels that his 40 hour week is his contribution and since cleaning doesn't take 40 hours a week I'm getting off easy. He doesn't count "playing" with the baby. He thinks it should only take 2 hours a day to keep the house clean. I tried to explain that I have to do things 20 minutes at a time and its hard because I lose momentum. He just said that I must be doing something wrong then because she should sleep/play on her own longer than that.

he doesn't want to do couples counselling because it didn't go we'll with his ex and says its pointless and his reason for leaving me with all three kids is that I "need to bond" with his kids without him being around. I won't watch them when he's not home because they have behaviour issues so this way I am watching them when he's home but not around.

Most of the problems started after baby because I'm not as willing to let things slide. He always slept more but I could at least sleep in with him. He lays played a lot of video games but he also said he'd cut down after LO was born and it didn't last.

thanks again for all the support ladies. It does make me feel better. 

Jess & Drew

najzomax:

Thanks everyone. He feels that his 40 hour week is his contribution and since cleaning doesn't take 40 hours a week I'm getting off easy. He doesn't count "playing" with the baby. He thinks it should only take 2 hours a day to keep the house clean. I tried to explain that I have to do things 20 minutes at a time and its hard because I lose momentum. He just said that I must be doing something wrong then because she should sleep/play on her own longer than that.

he doesn't want to do couples counselling because it didn't go we'll with his ex and says its pointless and his reason for leaving me with all three kids is that I "need to bond" with his kids without him being around. I won't watch them when he's not home because they have behaviour issues so this way I am watching them when he's home but not around.

Most of the problems started after baby because I'm not as willing to let things slide. He always slept more but I could at least sleep in with him. He lays played a lot of video games but he also said he'd cut down after LO was born and it didn't last.

thanks again for all the support ladies. It does make me feel better. 

I remember your previous post about your DH, and it sounds like things haven't gotten any better. I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

I definitely agree with PP about counseling even if it's just you. Just because it didn't go well with his ex doesn't mean it doesn't work. You have to be an active participant for it to even remotely help, and by the things you've said, I'm willing to bet he didn't put in any effort.

2 hours to clean a house with a baby 5ish mth old baby?!? He obviously has no clue what it takes to tend to a baby that age. I believe a PP suggested writing down your daily routine. I think that's a great idea. I would try to account for as much time as you can, so he can see that you aren't sitting around eating bon-bons and watching soaps all day. You don't have 3 children and over night start acting like you don't know what it takes to raise a child, but he obviously needs a reminder as to what it takes.

As far as watching his other kids (your step-children), they are not your responsibility to watch. Yes when you married him, you chose to become a part of their lives, but they are still not YOUR children. They are HIS, and if he wants you to bond with them, then he needs to take an active role in fostering that relationship. But in reality, it doesn't sound like he cares about the bond. I think it's an excuse for him to not take responsibility.

Even though he wasn't "always like this", I think he probably had the propensity to behave this way all along. You two just didn't have the responsibilities then that you do now, so his behavior was somewhat hidden. I think you have your hands full with this one, and I don't know how you have not exploded on him yet. You have got to be the most patient woman ever. Kudos to you! Patience is a virtue, and I wish I had more of it...but alas I don't.  Anyways, I know I am repeating myself and PP, but I really do think you should look into counseling for at a minimum yourself. And you know we are always hear to listen.

stemms8810

najzomax:

Thanks everyone. He feels that his 40 hour week is his contribution and since cleaning doesn't take 40 hours a week I'm getting off easy. He doesn't count "playing" with the baby. He thinks it should only take 2 hours a day to keep the house clean. I tried to explain that I have to do things 20 minutes at a time and its hard because I lose momentum. He just said that I must be doing something wrong then because she should sleep/play on her own longer than that.

he doesn't want to do couples counselling because it didn't go we'll with his ex and says its pointless and his reason for leaving me with all three kids is that I "need to bond" with his kids without him being around. I won't watch them when he's not home because they have behaviour issues so this way I am watching them when he's home but not around.

Most of the problems started after baby because I'm not as willing to let things slide. He always slept more but I could at least sleep in with him. He lays played a lot of video games but he also said he'd cut down after LO was born and it didn't last.

thanks again for all the support ladies. It does make me feel better. 

Hmmm, so he's been down this road before.  It sounds like he has some stuff to work on individually in counseling and together.  But he won't go so I guess that won't work.  He probably thought it was pointless because he was forced to look at himself and what he may be doing wrong and he didn't want to do that.

You need to reach a common ground and compromise on SOMETHING or you will be miserable.  I think about being in your situation and cringe because that is no way for you to be treated.  ((hugs))

elviebird

I think your H is blaming you for being inadequate because he knows deep down that he is totally inadequate himself.  Seriously, he needs to man up to his responsibilities to you, your LO, and his stepkids.  I agree with counseling, even if it is by yourself.